Tuesday, July 31, 2012

On a Happier Note...

Adrianna is TWO YEARS OLD! I just had her, it is unbelievable that she has been in this world for two whole years already! She is such a funny toddler, always making herself the center of attention with her funny antics. For some reason I am drawing a blank on the funny things she does, maybe I should start writing them down so I don't forget :) We celebrated her birthday three times this year! Since all of our family could not be together at the same time we split up her parties into each separate family and then one here with us and her little friends....one that she would enjoy doing her favorite thing, playing at Little Gym.

In Miami we had a Tangled themed birthday party, it was adorable! We had gone shopping for some decorations and I had her pick out her own theme, she picked Toy Story which was so not girly enough for me, ha! Then she picked Cars...what am I going to do with this girl! I then narrowed down a few girly themes and she picked Tangled. I know that doing a Toy Story or Cars theme for a girl is no big deal but I wanted something girly gosh darnit! maybe next year I will let her pick out her own theme no matter what it is. We even got a pinata for her. 

Even her kitty got in on some of the action!

 That was probably the highlight of her party for her. We both had fun being able to share her birthday with family that we hardly ever get to see, it was very special. 

My princess blowing out her candles
I think she loved the bouncy house!
When we got back to MA, we planned a big Little Gym birthday bash for her and a few of her little friends. We wish we could have invited every single one of her friends but that would have been very expensive! Do you know how hard it is to narrow down a list of kids to invite when you don't want to exclude anyone? Very hard! But I think we got a good bunch and it was the perfect amount of kids to avoid tantrums, exhaustion and to just plain have a great time

By the door ready to leave!

She just loves her "Joe" so much!
We picked an Olivia the Pig theme for this birthday, another of her favorites. I found the cutest outfit on Etsy for her to wear, and it turned out adorable! I have to say this is one of the best birthday parties I have ever been to, no not because I threw it but because it was so easy and stress free!

Her cake!

The spread

I think she was happy to be at her favorite place

I made some Mac n Cheese in individual cups and some home made fruit cups as well. I didn't want to do the typical pizza and ice cream to feed her and her friends, plus she isn't a big pizza fan. I wanted to incorporate Independence in eating so I made something the kids could eat all by themselves. I also made yummy finger sandwiches for the parents. The cake and cupcakes were delicious too! It was strawberry cake with strawberry filling and the cupcakes were yellow cake. Adrianna loved it and so did everyone else! It was a successful party.

Joe's parents and his family threw Adrianna a party in NY. Joe's brother, Paul, and his wife were in town from FL with their newborn so it was very special. Adrianna enjoyed lots of hugs and laughs with them. She loved her baby cousin too! I am so sad that I couldn't take any pictures because I forgot my camera :( I got one of her blowing out her candles though!

Cassata cake! (Cannoli cream cake)
Her cake was delicious and was made by the infamous Mike's Pastry here in Boston's North End. So yummy! We got to spend 10 whole days with my inlaws at their upstate house which was just perfect.

Walking her doggy down the country road
She had a fantastic birthday month and we spent it with the people that mean the most to us! Here are a few more pictures of the fun we have had:

Monday, July 30, 2012

Long story

I don't even know where to begin to write this horrible story. It has been an emotional roller coaster I hope to never experience again. I have been putting off this post but I have felt anger building up within and I am not really sure how to deal with it so I am hoping writing will make me feel better.

As you might know, if you read my blog which i doubt is very many people, we have recently suffered our third miscarriage. While my time in Tampa came to and end and right before Joe left for Afghanistan we found out we were expecting. After the devastating miscarriage just 3 months prior, you can imagine how thrilled we were about this blessing. I was headed to Miami while Joe spent a little over a month in Afghanistan so I was trying to take extra care of myself. I knew pre-natal care would have to wait until we returned to MA. Shortly after I arrived in Miami I discovered that I was spotting. I just chalked it up to normal first trimester spotting. Two weeks into my Miami vacation Adrianna caught the flu bug and I started to feel sick so coupled with the spotting I figured an ER visit was in order. I waited for 5 hours to be seen, I was about 6 weeks pregnant according to my LMP so i expected to see the little dot on the ultrasound. Instead I was told that it was maybe too early to see anything because there was an empty gestational sac measuring 5 weeks. They had also mentioned some cystic formations around the uterus which might have been nothing but was cautioned to be the beginnings of a molar pregnancy. I also had a few fibroids, one big enough to measure! Yikes! The ER doctor suggested I get blood work done that night and return the following week for another ultrasound. My levels came back normal for my gestation and the blood work from the following week confirmed normal HCG levels which had almost tripled in that time frame. That following week i waited to get another ultrasound and the outcome was the same, empty gestational sac that measured slightly bigger than last time. I was devastated. Worse off, i was having to go through this without the comfort of having my husband by my side. Lets just say the rest of my time spent in Miami was filled with the most anxiety I have ever felt in my life. I went though periods of serious depressive feelings. I cried almost every night. I put on a happy face for as long as I could until I could get back to MA and see my OB. It was the longest 4 weeks of my life. Thankfully my family in Miami is very entertaining so it made time spent more tolerable. My mom came for the last week I was there so it felt very comforting to have her there.

I returned to MA and had an appt that same week with my OB. An ultrasound was done and again there was an empty gestational sac. The ultrasound tech didn't say a word, she didn't have to I already knew this wasn't a normal pregnancy. My OB confirmed that I was probably beginning to miscarry because cystic formations begin to form once the sac begins to deform. She told me this is sometimes due to a twin pregnancy in which one of the embryos reabsorb. This explained what looked like little cysts all around the uterus. She said nothing could be confirmed unless I had a D&C with a chromosomal study in which they can determine the cause of miscarriage, as in whether or not it is due to a chromosomal abnormality. i told her I didn't want yet another D&C, she told me I didn't have to do anything and that she would monitor me until I miscarried. I left the OB's

A few days later I had contacted my OB to receive the results of the chromosomal study and was told they had to send it out to yet another institution because there were too many suspicions of molar pregnancy. They needed to be 100% sure. A few days after that I was told I did NOT have a molar pregnancy. I could breathe again.

Today it has been 3 weeks since my procedure and I am angry. Angry that I am given the miracle of pregnancy only for it to be taken away so quickly. Angry that it had to be in this manner, that I had the single scariest health concern I have ever had to date. Angry that something so special could have ended up being so dangerous to my health. I am past the sad stage. I don't feel the emptiness anymore. I just feel angry. I don't know why this keeps happening to us and it isn't fair. Angry is not where i want to be emotionally. I have already felt it affecting parts of my everyday life. I have a short temper lately and I just don't feel like myself. It could be the hormones, which I suspect it is. It isn't like I am never happy anymore, I have had some really great times in these past few weeks. Joe being home feels so great and finally being home is even better. Adrianna just brings so much joy to my days it is just heartwarming (despite the 2 year old tantrums, I will have to write about that another time). I feel myself going from joy and happiness to anger and frustration. It can happen in a matter of hours too, which is not like me at all. I don't want this to continue to ruin my moods yet I am not sure how to stop it from doing so. I don't think I know how to handle the emotions I am feeling. I do know one thing, I have a huge support system. I am coping the only way I know how, by writing and talking it through with my husband. He really has learned how to just listen to everything I have to say, no matter how unreasonable or selfish or angry the things I am telling him seem. He just listens. We both cried after spending the week with our newborn nephew....we haven't shared an emotion that strongly together since  reading our wedding vows and having our daughter.
So right now we are healing, trying to move forward and awaiting the massive amounts of blood work and testing that is soon to come before we embark on the journey of adding to our family again. I have come to terms that I will probably not give birth while we are living in MA. I will probably never use the nursery as a nursery again. We have turned it into Adrianna's girly room instead of maintaining its neutral tones, and in a way that makes me smile just a little. Adrianna will always be my little ray of sunshine behind this horrible gray cloud.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

5 weeks 5 days

Written June 2nd

Today I spotted a bit. It was pinkish in color. I am honestly terrified something is going to go wrong. I don't know how to stop the worry, I just try to forget it for a few hours but it comes right back. Please lord, I want this baby more than anything. I love this baby so much already and I have only known him/her for 5 weeks. I won't complain, I won't take it for granted, I will thank you every single day if you could just please grant me the blessing of carrying this child, lord. I already thank you for my health and the health of my loved ones. Please include this little blessing in my list of those to watch over. Amen.

3rd times the charm?

This post was written on May 21st.

I got my positive pregnancy test today! I am so nervous and so very excited! I'm 4 weeks today, due date January 29th according to babycenter.com :)

5 Weeks

Written May 31, 2012
I am 5 weeks pregnant and I don't feel a thing. I don't have morning sickness, no sore boobs, no exhaustion, nothing. I usually feel tired at least very early on in pregnancy so this is starting to worry me. I try not to think about it, but it is always on my mind. I am scared. I haven't yet been to the doctor. My insurance will not cover me outside of my coverage area so unless I start spotting and go to the ER, I have to wait until I get back to Massachusetts from Miami. So no real answers until at least July 2nd. I keep praying that all is well, I so badly want this baby. My belly is a little bloated, other than that the only proof I have of this pregnancy is the home pregnancy test, all 9 of them :) Hopefully in a few more weeks I will have some good news to share and maybe an ultra sound picture.

6 weeks

Written June 7th

The spotting stopped. I am still not feeling very pregnant but I am starting to show a bit. My jeans don't fit so I have resorted to leggings. Although he is far away, joe is helping me stay positive, I love that man. One strange thing that began a few days ago is stomach problems. I eat and it seems like I have to head straight to the potty right afterwards. I know that is gross but I felt the same with Adrianna, it was terrible. Hopefully time will pass quickly and I get to see my little growing jellybean soon.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Two Years

Baby Girl,
It has been two whole years since daddy and I welcomed you into the world. What a whirlwind of a year this has been for us. We have been through so much, learned, laughed, and made some wonderful memories. 

Lets start with some of our travels. This year we took you on a few road trips. You've been to Disney World more times than daddy and I have ever been. We went to Colorado and watched daddy get his masters degree. We visited friends at our first base assignment in Georgia and saw mommy and daddy's first house. We visited family in NY, went exploring in NH and did a sleigh ride. We took you to Miami a few times to spend time with your great grandparents and aunts/uncles/cousins from my side of the family. We made some amazing memories through these trips.

I can't even begin to write about all of the new stuff you have learned baby girl. You continue to amaze us every single day. While your daddy was deployed we stayed with him for a few months in Tampa and you really picked up a lot of new things there. You said your first full sentence there, "Where did it go?" and you learned to say your name. You even learned that the moon comes out at night and that it was too high. You are so funny, you really tried to jump and catch it and believe me baby girl when I say I would totally get it for you if I could. I would give you anything, that's how much I love you.

When daddy went away we went to Miami to stay with family and you learned even more things. You learned how to jump with both feet off the ground, you learned to recognize your name when I wrote it on a piece of paper, and you learned how to count and recognize colors. You are just amazing. You need me to pay attention to you when you speak. If I don't you grab my face and turn it so I face you. You look into my eyes and babble away and trust me I try so hard to understand what you are saying. Whatever it is, it is very important for you to communicate it to me. I love when you do that :) It has been easier to understand you more lately. You ask for food when hungry and do lots of pretend play with you baby dolls and with cars/legos/blocks/pretty much anything. You love to wear mommy's heels, and look so proud when I tell you that you look just like mommy. You even learned the concept of Skype and would ask for daddy or Abuela when you opened the app. Yes, you have grown quite fond of the iPad. It is so funny because you know exactly how to work it too. Another new thing you do now is you wont leave the house without your blankie which you call "B" and your kitty beanie baby that you call "keeey." And I think it is adorable that you need them to sleep with as well.

Since we have been back home and reunited with daddy, he has loved to see all of the new things you have learned. It is so fun living life through your innocent point of view. You have such a beautiful personality. You are so funny, you love to make other people laugh and love being the center of attention. You are very opinionated, you make sure that we understand what ever it is you need for us to understand. You very rarely get angry, but when you do watch out. It is all part of being 2, learning how to be your own person in a world where you are constantly told what to do. You have even received a few time outs for tantrums and you do very well with them. You give me a hug and say sorry right away. I wonder how much you can actually understand about your little world sometimes....probably more than I think you do. You are so intelligent, you love to read and you love to color. Give you a crayon and paper and you will be entertained for hours. You love Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Olivia, Bubble Guppies and pretty much anything with Blues Clues and elmo. In fact, whenever you see a paw print anywhere you yell out "clue clue!" So cute. Your favorite movies are Toy Story (all of them), Dumbo, Gnomeo and Juliet, and Tangled. You have a Tangled magic flower that lights up when you tap it and you sing the song when it lights up. You know the song..."flower gleam and glow, let your power shine..." That is something you did for the first time today. It isn't very clear but you know what you are saying. And you did it in your new big girl bed. We are so proud of you for sleeping so soundly in it. Just amazing. We had a birthday party for you last week in Miami, took you to see Brave today, have a Little Gym birthday party this coming Saturday and a BBQ at "Maaa" Lisa's house next week. You are one loved little girl. Mommy has been through some hard times these past few months and if it weren't for you I would be very sad. I don't even want to imagine a life without you. Because of your smile, I smile. You make everyone around you fall in love with you and if that isn't special well then I don't know what is. We love you more than words can describe. Living life through your eyes is like being a child again and it is truly a gift and a blessing. we can't wait to see what this year has in store.

Love Always,
Momma and Dadda (who you call Joe and it is adorable)

-To you, everything's funny, you got nothing to regret
And I'd give all I have, honey, if you could stay like that
-Taylor Swift

Sunday, July 8, 2012

It's over

*written June 26th*

I have been spotting red for a few weeks. I have been to the ER twice and they have seen an empty gestational sac. My only hope is that when I go back to MA they can tell me whether or not this is a viable pregnancy. I am devastated. I am done trying. Maybe we will have better luck next year, until then I am healing emotionally and physically. I just cannot keep doing this. before you were in my womb I loved you. Rest peacefully my angel baby, keep your other two angel siblings company in heaven.

Written today
As suspected this is not a viable pregnancy. Joe and I are devastated. We are just so confused by all of this. All anger and sadness aside, we are still hopeful for the future and are grateful for our blessings. Adrianna is truly a joy and I couldn't ask for a better child. Continue praying for us. Over the next few days I'll be doing a "blog dump" of all the blogs I have written throughout this short pregnancy. I don't want to erase anything, I want to remember each moment, good or bad. Bare with me.