Monday, July 30, 2012

Long story

I don't even know where to begin to write this horrible story. It has been an emotional roller coaster I hope to never experience again. I have been putting off this post but I have felt anger building up within and I am not really sure how to deal with it so I am hoping writing will make me feel better.

As you might know, if you read my blog which i doubt is very many people, we have recently suffered our third miscarriage. While my time in Tampa came to and end and right before Joe left for Afghanistan we found out we were expecting. After the devastating miscarriage just 3 months prior, you can imagine how thrilled we were about this blessing. I was headed to Miami while Joe spent a little over a month in Afghanistan so I was trying to take extra care of myself. I knew pre-natal care would have to wait until we returned to MA. Shortly after I arrived in Miami I discovered that I was spotting. I just chalked it up to normal first trimester spotting. Two weeks into my Miami vacation Adrianna caught the flu bug and I started to feel sick so coupled with the spotting I figured an ER visit was in order. I waited for 5 hours to be seen, I was about 6 weeks pregnant according to my LMP so i expected to see the little dot on the ultrasound. Instead I was told that it was maybe too early to see anything because there was an empty gestational sac measuring 5 weeks. They had also mentioned some cystic formations around the uterus which might have been nothing but was cautioned to be the beginnings of a molar pregnancy. I also had a few fibroids, one big enough to measure! Yikes! The ER doctor suggested I get blood work done that night and return the following week for another ultrasound. My levels came back normal for my gestation and the blood work from the following week confirmed normal HCG levels which had almost tripled in that time frame. That following week i waited to get another ultrasound and the outcome was the same, empty gestational sac that measured slightly bigger than last time. I was devastated. Worse off, i was having to go through this without the comfort of having my husband by my side. Lets just say the rest of my time spent in Miami was filled with the most anxiety I have ever felt in my life. I went though periods of serious depressive feelings. I cried almost every night. I put on a happy face for as long as I could until I could get back to MA and see my OB. It was the longest 4 weeks of my life. Thankfully my family in Miami is very entertaining so it made time spent more tolerable. My mom came for the last week I was there so it felt very comforting to have her there.

I returned to MA and had an appt that same week with my OB. An ultrasound was done and again there was an empty gestational sac. The ultrasound tech didn't say a word, she didn't have to I already knew this wasn't a normal pregnancy. My OB confirmed that I was probably beginning to miscarry because cystic formations begin to form once the sac begins to deform. She told me this is sometimes due to a twin pregnancy in which one of the embryos reabsorb. This explained what looked like little cysts all around the uterus. She said nothing could be confirmed unless I had a D&C with a chromosomal study in which they can determine the cause of miscarriage, as in whether or not it is due to a chromosomal abnormality. i told her I didn't want yet another D&C, she told me I didn't have to do anything and that she would monitor me until I miscarried. I left the OB's

A few days later I had contacted my OB to receive the results of the chromosomal study and was told they had to send it out to yet another institution because there were too many suspicions of molar pregnancy. They needed to be 100% sure. A few days after that I was told I did NOT have a molar pregnancy. I could breathe again.

Today it has been 3 weeks since my procedure and I am angry. Angry that I am given the miracle of pregnancy only for it to be taken away so quickly. Angry that it had to be in this manner, that I had the single scariest health concern I have ever had to date. Angry that something so special could have ended up being so dangerous to my health. I am past the sad stage. I don't feel the emptiness anymore. I just feel angry. I don't know why this keeps happening to us and it isn't fair. Angry is not where i want to be emotionally. I have already felt it affecting parts of my everyday life. I have a short temper lately and I just don't feel like myself. It could be the hormones, which I suspect it is. It isn't like I am never happy anymore, I have had some really great times in these past few weeks. Joe being home feels so great and finally being home is even better. Adrianna just brings so much joy to my days it is just heartwarming (despite the 2 year old tantrums, I will have to write about that another time). I feel myself going from joy and happiness to anger and frustration. It can happen in a matter of hours too, which is not like me at all. I don't want this to continue to ruin my moods yet I am not sure how to stop it from doing so. I don't think I know how to handle the emotions I am feeling. I do know one thing, I have a huge support system. I am coping the only way I know how, by writing and talking it through with my husband. He really has learned how to just listen to everything I have to say, no matter how unreasonable or selfish or angry the things I am telling him seem. He just listens. We both cried after spending the week with our newborn nephew....we haven't shared an emotion that strongly together since  reading our wedding vows and having our daughter.
So right now we are healing, trying to move forward and awaiting the massive amounts of blood work and testing that is soon to come before we embark on the journey of adding to our family again. I have come to terms that I will probably not give birth while we are living in MA. I will probably never use the nursery as a nursery again. We have turned it into Adrianna's girly room instead of maintaining its neutral tones, and in a way that makes me smile just a little. Adrianna will always be my little ray of sunshine behind this horrible gray cloud.

1 comment:

  1. I felt you were telling me this story me standing before you. I cried because I very much relate to the feeling. All I can say is, that the light does shine brighter at the end of the tunnel.