Tuesday, March 27, 2012

I have my closure....

I recieved a phone call a few weeks ago from the doctor that performed my procedure. When I had my d&c it was talked about that the fetus should be tested to find out what caused the miscarriage. This is my second misscarriage and with Adrianna being born so little the doctor wanted to rule out any problems with my ability to carry a child and any possible underlying conditions. Turns out my sweet little baby had what is called Turner Symdrome, where there is either a mutation of an x chromosome or it was missing the x chromosome. This is the most common reason for miscarriage. So I am healthy and perfectly able to carry a child to healthy full term. I am so relieved to have heard this news yet it pains me that I had to hear from the doctor that I would have had another little girl, Turner Symdrome only occurs in girls. This has helped me cope better and has given me the closure that I needed to move on. I will never forget this....forever engraved in my heart and my memory. My two angel babies that are now with our loved ones in heaven. I heard this song today while watching the season finale of 19 kids and counting, Michelle duggar has always amazed me with her patience and ability to deal with hardships with such grace and devotion to god. I really think they are a very blessed family. These lyrics spoke to me and I wanted to share them. It is important for me to write about all things in my life so I can look back someday. I am no longer feeling sad about what happened, I have moved on from that feelin and have decided to be thankful for what i do have. But just a few weeks ago I can say that every word In this song described my feelings exactly.

There were photographs i wanted to take
Thmings i wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?people say that i am brave but i`m not
Truth is i`m barely hanging on
But there`s a greater story
Written long before me
Because he loves you like this

So i will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But i know
That the silence
Has brought me to his voice
And he says

I`ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

"I will carry you" Selah

Monday, March 19, 2012

Still hurting

Im siting at my OB's office waiting to speak to the dr about how I have been feeling since after the procedure, the D&C. It's funny, because I feel the need to blog from my phone...blog about the overwhelming sense of envy I have for the pregnant women sitting all around me. The smell of this place is almost sickening, I really hate this office. I don't think I can ever come back here even when we do get pregnant again. I'm going to have to find a new doctor. I walked in hoping no one would remember me and the ultrasound technician that gave us the awful news looked right at me with sorrow in her eyes....she locked eyes with me for all of 30 seconds and I wanted to turn around and just leave and cry in my car. I forget that I am still hurting, still grieving. I try and be positive all the time because of Adrianna and really because of all of the blessing I have all around me. I have plenty to look forward to in the next few months, but this dream was the most important one of all....and I still have a hard time believing that it is gone. I wonder how many women I sat next to in my OB's office, pregnant and radiating with happiness with Adrianna in my belly, that must have been feeling the same way I do right now. Listening to me and my husband talk nursery an baby names while their hearts literally broke piece by piece with each word heard. I just want to get this check up over with and leave this place, hopefully never to come back. On the hunt for a new OB as soon as possible....

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

There is always a bright side...

What we have been through has torn my heart into pieces....literally. Every day I have a little twinge of a reminder of that horrible day we went to the doctor and our sweet peanut had no heartbeat. Adrianna and my amazing husband have made this whole process a little less painful. As I pick up the pieces of my heart, and have Adrianna mend them together with her sweet smiles and huge mommy hugs I think of the bright side to all of this. Joe is getting "deployed" to Tampa, FL on Saturday. He will be away for four months, one of those months spent somewhere in Afghanistan. Originally I was suppose to be going with him to the Tampa part of the deployment until we found out we were expecting. Now things have changed and we decided to go on with the plans for Adrianna and I to join him in Tampa for about a month. After the month, I will briefly visit his brother and brother's wife to meet their new little baby boy then head down to Miami and spend a few weeks with my family there. I just feel I can use the time away right now, what better place to be than sunny Florida. The bright side is that I don't have to miss my husband for 4 months...just three :) Adrianna gets to spend time with family she hardly gets to see: bright side. I get more time to enjoy Adrianna all to myself before adding to our family: BIG bright side. So see, we are hopeful for what the future will bring. I am slowly healing, both emotionally and physically. Joe admittedly has had a little bit of a hard time dealing with our loss, he chose not to make it as obvious in order to help me be stronger...it really helped and we both were able to have a good cry and talk about all of this. We are planning to have another soon, just leaving it up to god to choose when to bless us again. One thing I learned through this is that everything that happens, happens for a reason. I may not see it right away, but in the grand scheme of things it is for the better. Everything that happens in your life, good or bad, affects you and changes you. This has changed me. I have a greater appreciation for the miracle that was my pregnancy and the birth of my daughter....if that is even possible since I was already so grateful and knew how much of a miracle having a baby is. I have a greater appreciation for life, life is not guaranteed. My little peanut, although I knew him/her for such a short time, taught me more lessons than I can even begin to write about. Joe, Adrianna and I have so much support from friends and family. More than we even knew about. For all of those things mentioned I am glad for having been pregnant yet it pains me to have had it taken away too soon. I am ready to be a mom again, to smell the newborn baby smell, to feel the kicks within. God has a plan way better than anything Joe and I could plan. I just have to be patient....and that is what I am doing. Thank you to all who have shared their stories of loss with me and for those that have prayed. Thank you to our good friends Erin and Alex for cooking dinner for us, watching Adrianna for us and for helping me forget for even a few hours how horrible I felt...how much it hurt my heart. We had a fairly normal weekend that horrible week thanks to them. You all made me feel better....made me begin to find my normal again and move on. We had a great weekend this weekend with family at the Poconos. I can't say lots of wine didn't help, because it did. Very much so. And my Vodka Tonics and Vodka Cranberry, can't forget those. I hot-tubbed, smoked a few cigarettes (which I quit doing a long long long time ago), ate seafood and drank....for some reason doing things I knew I couldn't do with a pregnancy helped me cope. I can honestly say I feel like I am a new person. I woke up with energy this morning and was so happy to have it. I am ready to move on, to continue to heal and to embrace the "bright side" of all of this. I won't be keeping our journey to a family of four a secret on my blog, so you all will know when I know.