Wednesday, December 12, 2012

History repeats itself (excerpt from my post at After the Storks)

You can find this post, and other helpful insights on what it is like after you have a baby at After the Storks where me and a few other moms blog about our unique experiences :)
I thought I would discuss sleepless nights. It seems like a far and distant being jolted from a deep sleep (I say this sarcastically because I haven't ever been able to sleep deeply since having A) to feed a baby at 2am who was just awake 2 hours ago. I change the diaper, make the bottle, feed the baby, clean up the projectile vomit that she would always do because she had acid reflux, rock her to sleep, take her downstairs because she won't sleep, watch 3am tv and fall asleep with her on my chest on my recliner..those really were the best times. At the time I was too tired to see that it would all fly by in an instant, that I would miss those times like crazy.

A is about 2 1/2 now and recently she has reverted back to waking in the middle of the night. For someone who has not had to tend to a child for over a year in the middle of the night, this is quite exhausting. From about 26 months on she has decided she would wake up, scream for me to get her water or that she wants milk then play in her bed for a few hours before falling asleep again. Last night she actually got out of bed, opened her door, opened my bedroom door and let herself on my bed. I was asleep, husband is out of town so you can imagine the scare I got at 4am. She played in my bed until 7am. It is brutal. Did I mention I am exhausted and pregnant with twins? My body is sore and I can barely keep my eyes open during the day. But when she finally fell asleep at 7am and I woke up around 8 and laid next to her, I began to daydream about what it will be like to have 3 little buddies in bed with me. Ideally I would not want to have my kids get used to crawling in bed with us, but they are so peaceful and cuddly. I look forward to the sleepless nights and the special bond I will build with the twins during those middle of the night feedings...mainly because I know it will get better and they will eventually sleep through the night. Until they turn two at least :)

When it came to sleep training A, I had no idea when to begin or how to go about doing it. She was 10 months old and I was still rocking her to sleep at night and for every nap. I had a friend with a child much younger than A. She would just put her baby in bed, he would cry for a few minutes then fall asleep on his own. She had the same video monitor I had, yet hers was placed on a table away from her. She wasn't concerned with his movements when he was in bed. She wasn't obsessively looking at the monitor every time she heard a noise. She told me she just learned not to worry, that he would be just fine. It was then that My husband and I decided we would sleep train A. We put her to bed that night with a bedtime story and a kiss. I took the monitor downstairs and my husband made me turn the volume all the way down. I still heard her screaming and crying. I was crying as well. I felt that if I just went up and rocked her she would fall asleep much better but realistically I couldn't expect her to depend on me for that always. I needed to let go. That night she cried for 20 minutes. We discussed that if she cried for a half and hour that I would go up and rock her. 20 minutes and she was asleep. The next day she napped with no issues, no rocking. That night she cried for 5 minutes. After that night we would read her a story, kids her goodnight and put her to bed. She would fall asleep without making a peep. She learned how to self soothe and put herself to sleep. I was a proud momma! She is still tat way to this day. Though now she has a special blanket and teddy she has to take to bed with her. She can't fall asleep without those two things, but she does it on her own. In her own big girl toddler bed. That transition was easier, I think, because she learned how to comfort herself. I am not saying this might be the case for all kids, but for her this is true. Sure she has now learned how to get out of said toddler bed, but they do say that history repeats itself. Seeing as how her infant days flew by, which can only mean her toddler days will fly by as well and she will soon be in school and such, I will cherish each and every single moment I can of hearing the pitter patter of her little feet through the hallway and stopping in front of my bedroom door. I will miss that someday.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Just a few thoughts

So far, this pregnancy has been fairly similar to my pregnancy with Adrianna. I do feel more appreciative this time around, however. I think it has to do with being naive with my first pregnancy. I felt like nothing would happen to me, all would be ok and it was fairly uneventful. I find myself being more nervous this time around...rightfully so. I am constantly thinking about what can go wrong and look forward to being reassured with ultrasounds and multiple OB visits.

With my longest pregnancy which ended in miscarriage, I wrote a 10 week update post. I have been hesitant about blogging since I am just shy of 11 weeks, I guess I just don't want to jinx myself. I want to be happy. I want to be worry free and just enjoy this pregnancy. This will likely be my last pregnancy. I may change my mind according to what the sex of the babies are, but I feel 80% positive this will be matter what. I feel like I have been blessed this time around and I don't want to test fate anymore. When pregnant with Adrianna, Joe and I (ok maybe just me) dreamed about a big family with 4 or 5 children. I can't go through a loss again, I just can't. I feel like I want to sit back and enjoy every pregnancy craving, nauseas moment, kick, sleepless night that this pregnancy will bring. Besides feeling anxiety for the actual pregnancy, I want to share some of the anxieties I am currently feeling about having multiples.

I have a 2 1/2 year old who needs me. She loves me and loves to be the center of my world. I only have to arms and there is only one of me. I feel like she will feel replaced, big time. It is a constant fear of mine. Like she will resent her siblings. I fear that she will feel left out. That if the babies are both boys she will not be able to connect with them and have a relationship with them because they will be boys. I have two brothers and although we played as kids, we didn't get close until we got older. I am afraid that if I have to girls, they will bond with each other and be each other's best friend leaving Adrianna out from that unique bond. If I have one of each, I feel like it will be the best scenario for Adrianna....but I am, again, not being picky. I will take two healthy babies, no matter the sex. I am just slightly worried. I fear that my need to make sure the twins get enough time with me will cause chaos in my head. I want to be sure each gets equal skin to skin, alone time, together time with me and with each is a lot to juggle. I fear expenses. We didn't pay for formula with Adrianna because she had a milk protein allergy so was on prescribed formula which insurance covered in full. Joe and I talked about me nursing our next child as much as possible to get the experience we didn't get with Adrianna and also to cut costs (lets be honest). How can I nurse two babies? Is that even possible? Will I even produce enough milk? I am going to be a human cow. I am never going to sleep again. This is my biggest anxiety. I fear that I wont be able to handle 3 kids. As in going to the grocery store, shopping, leaving the house in general. Did I mention we are moving shortly after the twins are born. I have anxiety about that too. I don't know how long or if they will be born early (38 weeks is our current goal, my OB is optimistic) and have to be in the NICU for a while. Will this delay our move? I fear that Adrianna's birthday will take a back seat because of the birth of the twins...her birthday is July 9th, I am due July 3rd but will likely birth in June sometime (I hope).

These are all of my current concerns among others related to my actual pregnancy....will I carry to 38 weeks? Will the babies be healthy? Will I actually have twins or is something going to happen to one of them? (morbid thought, I know but it is a very real fear). Will I be on bedrest. Sometimes I want to fast forward, but maybe not knowing is better. I would rather try and be happy and enjoy my time now than look into the future and see that one of my fears will actually come true. Make sense? Yea I know, doesn't make sense to me either sometimes.

All I know is that after the amazing birth of my first born, 3 miscarriages and finding out I am pregnant with twins, I am choosing not to question anything much right now....when I try and figure out how this actually happened I get chills. It gives me goosebumps. It is crazy how life works out. This is one of 3 significant times in my life where I have turned to God and He has granted me the answer to my prayers.