Wednesday, May 23, 2012

How to Miss a Childhood

I read this today and it really hit home. I have stopped using my phone as often as I use to but I still am on it more than I would like to be. I could just burst into tears right now. I don't want to miss a single moment in this beautiful life I have with my daughter. I am attempting a semi hands free mom approach. Only during naps or after bedtime will I look at my phone, answer texts or check Facebook. Why is it that we are so addicted to our technology? I hate to admit that I am, but admitting it is a step in the right direction. I will change, today. Will you vow to change?

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Waiting is for the birds....

This entry contains a little bit too much information for those who dont want to read. Just a warning...nothing graphic but you will get to know my "cycle" a little. :)

I promised that you all will know when I know about our journey to baby number 2. So here is where we are. Please no Facebook posts or comments about this....I will link this entry to FB when I am ready...this is for my blog friends only for now :) Well after much thought and planning on our part, joe and I decided to start trying for baby number two again. We have been through a lot of tough days with our recent loss of baby girl that I miscarried back in February (chromosomal testing determined sex) that we weren't sure when we would be ready again. I really thought it would take me longer to want to attemp this again, I have been scared....we both have. The month of march was spent preparing for my husband's trip to Tampa, so that left little time to dwell on my hurt. My brain was busy. He left the second week of march and when I was faced with spending my nights alone the hurt came back. I cried almost every single night for a week. The only thing that helped was the thought of going to spend a month in Tampa with him in April then while he goes overseas spending a month in Miami. Fast forward to the last week of march, something happened. I felt in my heart I was ready again to try and conceive a precious little baby. I had watched an episode of 19 kids and counting where Michelle Duggar had miscarried a child at 19 weeks gestation. She was devastated but instead of focusing on the hurt and the emotional pain, she focused on the fact that she was blessed to have been given the oppoutunity to carry that child. She saw hope in the future. Although sad, she didn't let this send her into a depression. She continued on with her daily living and tried to appreciate the blessings she did already have in her life. I knew I was ready. She encouraged me to look at my blessings and not to fear the unknown. Not personally, but I swear it was like she was speaking directly to me during this episode.

I flew into Tampa on April 1st, looking forward to dive into trying to conceive again. I had decided not to wait for my menstrual cycle to return, I was given the green light by my OB to go ahead with my plans as long as I was ready and there is no certainty when it would return after a d&c. Sure enough, as I left the plane and met up with Joe in Tampa and like a bad april fools joke, I got my period. We waited and waited for it to be over. It seemed like forever. I downloaded an ovulation app on my phone (for free, I'm not that crazy) and we got on our way to actively trying for a baby. My next due menstraul cycle was suppose to be on the 24th of april, things went as planned my nature and I started another cycle. That was unsuccessful attempt #1. We waited yet again and checked my ovulation then tried again. Now it is today, May 19, and I am one day late. You would think I would have the answer I have been waiting for....the positive pregnancy test. Well I don't. Just my luck, I am the lucky person that must wait a full week past the expected start of my period to test. I have taken 5 pregnancy test within the last 4 days, yes one day I took two...once in the morning and once at night. I am the crazy lady that buys tons of pregnancy tests...I realize this is expensive but I HATE WAITING! This morning I took yet another test, this makes 6, and I saw the most deceiving plus sign. It was barely visible but I know I saw it....Joe thinks I am crazy. I still don't have my period, I don't have any concrete answers, and I am getting impatient. I do, however, have some slight symptoms. Today at breakfast I thought I was going to literally throw up everywhere after taking a bite of my omelet because I thought the cheese tasted funny. I sent it back and was made a new one....this time the sausage tasted funny. Only to me, Joe said it tasted fine to him. I am starting to suspect that is an early sign of something. I am also extremely irratble and very VERY tired. Also signs that something is up. I needed to make sure to blog all of this because I want to remember. I want to know how I felt when I found out we were expecting our second precious little baby. I don't know for sure yet, but I don't want to take any chances and Forget any of this. This may be a little bit too much information for some :) but hey, I write this for me, not you....well kind of for you too but anyway don't say I didn't warn you. I don't plan on leaving any details out throughout this possible pregnancy so prepare for the ride! So now you are all on the same page as I am.... Let's hope for the best together. I promise I will not be extremely disappointed if it doesn't happen right now, we will have plenty of time to try again when joe returns from overseas. But still, please pray...

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Excuse me while I hold my breath for a month...

Adrianna and I have had a blast in Tampa. We went to Busch Gardens, the beach, the pool in our apartment complex, Disney World twice and Adrianna even got to go to Gymboree a few times. I needed to occupy her and get her some socialization while we were here so I signed her up for one month of Gymboree classes and she loved it! We plan on sticking with Little Gym when we get back to Massachusetts but I really enjoyed this class. The teachers make all the difference and ours was amazing! We met some of Joe's coworkers while in Tampa and we have had a few outings together which have been fun. Everyone here is so nice, not just his coworkers but EVERYONE! I am a northerner myself, New Yorker to be exact, and I know we have a stigma for being rude. I always notice it when we go down south and I have to say I love southern hospitality! Even though Tampa isn't really "the south" but it is geographically south. I love being around genuinely nice people that hold doors open for you, say "have a blessed day" at the base gate, wave even if they don't know you...yea Massachusetts does not have many people like that. Even at the McDonald's drive thru I felt the love. Why can't we all just be nice?? I have to say I will definitly miss this place. I love south Tampa, we hope someday this will be our forever home. Preferably a home overlooking the bay on Bayshore Dr, too much to ask? I hope we can make our dream reality someday but for now I have to say goodbye. Joe leaves for the "big desert" sometime next weekend so Adrianna and I have to say goodbye to him until July :( We plan on distracting ourselves with a visit to Miami to see aunts, uncles and my grandparents but I know I will not stop thinking about his safety every single day until he is back home safe and sound. I am nervous, Joe doesn't seem to be nervous at all. He is a little excited in fact. I know he will be ok, just please join me in praying for him and taking a minute to pray for all those families whose husbands/wives/significant others don't come home. Freedom is most definitely not free.

In the mean time, I will try and enjoy myself. My family is looking forward to spending quality time with Adrianna. She turned 22 months last week. She is almost the big 2! When did this happen?! She can now fully feed herself, say her name when asked, pull her pants up and down and take her shirt and diaper off with no help. Potty training time, I think so! Last week she was babbling away with a complete stranger while we were waiting on line at a ride at Disney. She then stops, points to her butt and says POOP, EWW! She pooped, and had to include it in her conversation. She is hilarious! Always making us laugh.

We will miss you Tampa, it has been fun. The great restaurants, the beautiful Clearwater Beach, the close proximity to Disney, we will miss it all. We had a great month of enjoying each other's company and the company of friends new and old. Our trip back to our first base assignment in Warner Robins, GA was so fun and it was even better to see familiar faces in a never changing familiar town. I had the pleasure of meeting up with an old coworker while her family was vacationing here and we spent a very fun filled day at the beach. Did I mention the beach? I feel like I will miss these gorgeous beaches the most of all. So off to Miami Adrianna and I go, more adventures are sure to be had....all with the anticipation of returning back home and greeting Joe at the airport and slowly reverting back to our normal lives at Happy Hanscom, it is a happy place after all.

Oh and one thing I will not miss about this area, Tampa Bay Rays baseball....the Yankees are the best team in baseball and I don't know that I can go from living in Red Sox nation to Rays nation ;)

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Life is good

Every so often I am reminded about how precious the little things are in life. Like the dandelions sprouting in the grass as the first signs of spring are approaching, the innocence of a child that tells you the moon is out and tries to jump and touch it ( that was Adrianna). I really think she takes me back to a time where life was just simple. Makes me cherish little moments, cherish every little part of the world around me. Yesterday she had a bug on her and instead I screaming or trying to kill it she says "hi bug." Why that little phrase made me cry I can't say, I blame mommy hormones. She has grown into quite the easy going adorable little 21 (almost 22) month old. She does test my patience daily, but that is her job. And it is my job to learn how to control my emotions and think about the world in her shoes. What it must be like to be her in a world where everyone is always telling you what to do, especially what not to do or touch or play with. Even when those are the things you really want to touch and do and play with. It must be hard to battle having your own mind and opinion with your mommy's opinion on what is right and wrong. Yep, that must explain the tantrums, the screaming, the "NO's!" that is the thought that crosses my mind when I feel my blood boiling and Can sense the puff of smoke rising from my head when she deliberately does what I told her not to do. When I tell her not to squeeze the juice box and she does it anyway with a smile in her face and a look of satisfaction on her face. When I tell her it is nap time ad after an hour of not hearing any noise I think she is sleeping but she is really playing in a pool of her own urine after removing her diaper...with a look of satisfaction on her face. What it must be like to be her. No matter how much I tell her no, or how many time outs I give her (only two in her lifetime so far) she still reaches her little arm out and says "Awwww!" to give me a sideways, pat on the back hug. Even if it is in the middle of me telling her she cannot use the iPhone. She tries to play me with her cuteness. She is one smart little bug, because it works most times. Unconditional love. That is the love a child gives and deserves in return...throughout their entire life.

My brother in law and sister in law just had a baby, Luca Anthony. I drove to destin with Adrianna to meet him and it was worth every mile. He is adorable! I held him, talked to him, smelled him. The nurse came to check him out today while I was in the room and she unwrapped his little swaddle and he started to cry. He cried the whole time practically. I cried with him...I really teared up! I am not even sure why...totally caught me by surprise. His little cry just affected me so much. I couldn't help but think of my precious baby girl just days after her birth. How her little cry, although agonizing in the middle of the night, was like music to my ears. I couldn't get enough of her little cry. I knew she was calling me with it. I long for that again. More than I even think I do, today was proof. But I know I dont need it from her. She is growing up and that is how it should be. It made me think of all the little things though, and Adrianna gives me such a beautiful, new and curious view of the world that I wouldn't trade her to being a newborn again for anything. I miss her as a baby but I love to watch her grow. I grow with her. It is all about the journey. Babies grow, especially when we blink. I just long for a new journey with another little miracle. One that I can share with Adrianna. One that I can experience with my husband. To make him a daddy again would be the best feeling in the world. But in spite of my longing, no matter how discouraged or sad I get, life is good. It will always be good as long as my husband has me and I have him and we have her--our precious baby girl.