There is always a bright side...

What we have been through has torn my heart into pieces....literally. Every day I have a little twinge of a reminder of that horrible day we went to the doctor and our sweet peanut had no heartbeat. Adrianna and my amazing husband have made this whole process a little less painful. As I pick up the pieces of my heart, and have Adrianna mend them together with her sweet smiles and huge mommy hugs I think of the bright side to all of this. Joe is getting "deployed" to Tampa, FL on Saturday. He will be away for four months, one of those months spent somewhere in Afghanistan. Originally I was suppose to be going with him to the Tampa part of the deployment until we found out we were expecting. Now things have changed and we decided to go on with the plans for Adrianna and I to join him in Tampa for about a month. After the month, I will briefly visit his brother and brother's wife to meet their new little baby boy then head down to Miami and spend a few weeks with my family there. I just feel I can use the time away right now, what better place to be than sunny Florida. The bright side is that I don't have to miss my husband for 4 months...just three :) Adrianna gets to spend time with family she hardly gets to see: bright side. I get more time to enjoy Adrianna all to myself before adding to our family: BIG bright side. So see, we are hopeful for what the future will bring. I am slowly healing, both emotionally and physically. Joe admittedly has had a little bit of a hard time dealing with our loss, he chose not to make it as obvious in order to help me be stronger...it really helped and we both were able to have a good cry and talk about all of this. We are planning to have another soon, just leaving it up to god to choose when to bless us again. One thing I learned through this is that everything that happens, happens for a reason. I may not see it right away, but in the grand scheme of things it is for the better. Everything that happens in your life, good or bad, affects you and changes you. This has changed me. I have a greater appreciation for the miracle that was my pregnancy and the birth of my daughter....if that is even possible since I was already so grateful and knew how much of a miracle having a baby is. I have a greater appreciation for life, life is not guaranteed. My little peanut, although I knew him/her for such a short time, taught me more lessons than I can even begin to write about. Joe, Adrianna and I have so much support from friends and family. More than we even knew about. For all of those things mentioned I am glad for having been pregnant yet it pains me to have had it taken away too soon. I am ready to be a mom again, to smell the newborn baby smell, to feel the kicks within. God has a plan way better than anything Joe and I could plan. I just have to be patient....and that is what I am doing. Thank you to all who have shared their stories of loss with me and for those that have prayed. Thank you to our good friends Erin and Alex for cooking dinner for us, watching Adrianna for us and for helping me forget for even a few hours how horrible I felt...how much it hurt my heart. We had a fairly normal weekend that horrible week thanks to them. You all made me feel better....made me begin to find my normal again and move on. We had a great weekend this weekend with family at the Poconos. I can't say lots of wine didn't help, because it did. Very much so. And my Vodka Tonics and Vodka Cranberry, can't forget those. I hot-tubbed, smoked a few cigarettes (which I quit doing a long long long time ago), ate seafood and drank....for some reason doing things I knew I couldn't do with a pregnancy helped me cope. I can honestly say I feel like I am a new person. I woke up with energy this morning and was so happy to have it. I am ready to move on, to continue to heal and to embrace the "bright side" of all of this. I won't be keeping our journey to a family of four a secret on my blog, so you all will know when I know.