History repeats itself (excerpt from my post at After the Storks)

You can find this post, and other helpful insights on what it is like after you have a baby at After the Storks where me and a few other moms blog about our unique experiences :)

I thought I would discuss sleepless nights. It seems like a far and distant memory..me being jolted from a deep sleep (I say this sarcastically because I haven't ever been able to sleep deeply since having A) to feed a baby at 2am who was just awake 2 hours ago. I change the diaper, make the bottle, feed the baby, clean up the projectile vomit that she would always do because she had acid reflux, rock her to sleep, take her downstairs because she won't sleep, watch 3am tv and fall asleep with her on my chest on my recliner..those really were the best times. At the time I was too tired to see that it would all fly by in an instant, that I would miss those times like crazy.

A is about 2 1/2 now and recently she has reverted back to waking in the middle of the night. For someone who has not had to tend to a child for over a year in the middle of the night, this is quite exhausting. From about 26 months on she has decided she would wake up, scream for me to get her water or that she wants milk then play in her bed for a few hours before falling asleep again. Last night she actually got out of bed, opened her door, opened my bedroom door and let herself on my bed. I was asleep, husband is out of town so you can imagine the scare I got at 4am. She played in my bed until 7am. It is brutal. Did I mention I am exhausted and pregnant with twins? My body is sore and I can barely keep my eyes open during the day. But when she finally fell asleep at 7am and I woke up around 8 and laid next to her, I began to daydream about what it will be like to have 3 little buddies in bed with me. Ideally I would not want to have my kids get used to crawling in bed with us, but they are so peaceful and cuddly. I look forward to the sleepless nights and the special bond I will build with the twins during those middle of the night feedings...mainly because I know it will get better and they will eventually sleep through the night. Until they turn two at least :)

When it came to sleep training A, I had no idea when to begin or how to go about doing it. She was 10 months old and I was still rocking her to sleep at night and for every nap. I had a friend with a child much younger than A. She would just put her baby in bed, he would cry for a few minutes then fall asleep on his own. She had the same video monitor I had, yet hers was placed on a table away from her. She wasn't concerned with his movements when he was in bed. She wasn't obsessively looking at the monitor every time she heard a noise. She told me she just learned not to worry, that he would be just fine. It was then that My husband and I decided we would sleep train A. We put her to bed that night with a bedtime story and a kiss. I took the monitor downstairs and my husband made me turn the volume all the way down. I still heard her screaming and crying. I was crying as well. I felt that if I just went up and rocked her she would fall asleep much better but realistically I couldn't expect her to depend on me for that always. I needed to let go. That night she cried for 20 minutes. We discussed that if she cried for a half and hour that I would go up and rock her. 20 minutes and she was asleep. The next day she napped with no issues, no rocking. That night she cried for 5 minutes. After that night we would read her a story, kids her goodnight and put her to bed. She would fall asleep without making a peep. She learned how to self soothe and put herself to sleep. I was a proud momma! She is still tat way to this day. Though now she has a special blanket and teddy she has to take to bed with her. She can't fall asleep without those two things, but she does it on her own. In her own big girl toddler bed. That transition was easier, I think, because she learned how to comfort herself. I am not saying this might be the case for all kids, but for her this is true. Sure she has now learned how to get out of said toddler bed, but they do say that history repeats itself. Seeing as how her infant days flew by, which can only mean her toddler days will fly by as well and she will soon be in school and such, I will cherish each and every single moment I can of hearing the pitter patter of her little feet through the hallway and stopping in front of my bedroom door. I will miss that someday.

Just a few thoughts

So far, this pregnancy has been fairly similar to my pregnancy with Adrianna. I do feel more appreciative this time around, however. I think it has to do with being naive with my first pregnancy. I felt like nothing would happen to me, all would be ok and it was fairly uneventful. I find myself being more nervous this time around...rightfully so. I am constantly thinking about what can go wrong and look forward to being reassured with ultrasounds and multiple OB visits.

With my longest pregnancy which ended in miscarriage, I wrote a 10 week update post. I have been hesitant about blogging since I am just shy of 11 weeks, I guess I just don't want to jinx myself. I want to be happy. I want to be worry free and just enjoy this pregnancy. This will likely be my last pregnancy. I may change my mind according to what the sex of the babies are, but I feel 80% positive this will be it...no matter what. I feel like I have been blessed this time around and I don't want to test fate anymore. When pregnant with Adrianna, Joe and I (ok maybe just me) dreamed about a big family with 4 or 5 children. I can't go through a loss again, I just can't. I feel like I want to sit back and enjoy every pregnancy craving, nauseas moment, kick, sleepless night that this pregnancy will bring. Besides feeling anxiety for the actual pregnancy, I want to share some of the anxieties I am currently feeling about having multiples.

I have a 2 1/2 year old who needs me. She loves me and loves to be the center of my world. I only have to arms and there is only one of me. I feel like she will feel replaced, big time. It is a constant fear of mine. Like she will resent her siblings. I fear that she will feel left out. That if the babies are both boys she will not be able to connect with them and have a relationship with them because they will be boys. I have two brothers and although we played as kids, we didn't get close until we got older. I am afraid that if I have to girls, they will bond with each other and be each other's best friend leaving Adrianna out from that unique bond. If I have one of each, I feel like it will be the best scenario for Adrianna....but I am, again, not being picky. I will take two healthy babies, no matter the sex. I am just slightly worried. I fear that my need to make sure the twins get enough time with me will cause chaos in my head. I want to be sure each gets equal skin to skin, alone time, together time with me and with each other...it is a lot to juggle. I fear expenses. We didn't pay for formula with Adrianna because she had a milk protein allergy so was on prescribed formula which insurance covered in full. Joe and I talked about me nursing our next child as much as possible to get the experience we didn't get with Adrianna and also to cut costs (lets be honest). How can I nurse two babies? Is that even possible? Will I even produce enough milk? I am going to be a human cow. I am never going to sleep again. This is my biggest anxiety. I fear that I wont be able to handle 3 kids. As in going to the grocery store, shopping, leaving the house in general. Did I mention we are moving shortly after the twins are born. I have anxiety about that too. I don't know how long or if they will be born early (38 weeks is our current goal, my OB is optimistic) and have to be in the NICU for a while. Will this delay our move? I fear that Adrianna's birthday will take a back seat because of the birth of the twins...her birthday is July 9th, I am due July 3rd but will likely birth in June sometime (I hope).

These are all of my current concerns among others related to my actual pregnancy....will I carry to 38 weeks? Will the babies be healthy? Will I actually have twins or is something going to happen to one of them? (morbid thought, I know but it is a very real fear). Will I be on bedrest. Sometimes I want to fast forward, but maybe not knowing is better. I would rather try and be happy and enjoy my time now than look into the future and see that one of my fears will actually come true. Make sense? Yea I know, doesn't make sense to me either sometimes.

All I know is that after the amazing birth of my first born, 3 miscarriages and finding out I am pregnant with twins, I am choosing not to question anything much right now....when I try and figure out how this actually happened I get chills. It gives me goosebumps. It is crazy how life works out. This is one of 3 significant times in my life where I have turned to God and He has granted me the answer to my prayers.

God has a sense of humor

Here is how this story begins. It starts a few weeks before my birthday when I blogged about how the only thing I wanted for my birthday was to be pregnant. To feel the joy and excitement of a positive pregnancy test. The day after my birthday, I got what I prayed for. I found out I was pregnant! Joe and I were soooo thrilled! At around 31/2 weeks I began spotting. "Here we go again" I thought. I immediately lost all hope and happiness for the pregnancy and decided I was going to become distant with it. I was not going to allow myself to love this baby until I was 100% positive it would be a viable little baby. I wanted to hear the healthy heartbeat before becoming emotionally attached. As the weeks went on the spotting continued. I just kept thinking why me? Why would God do this to me again?! I called my OB who sent me for blood work a few times. The first set of hCG levels that I got were taken at just shy of 4 weeks. My levels were in the 300s and my progesterone was 33. That is fantastic for progesterone btw. My next set were taken 3 days later and they were 859, more than double which is great! I became nervous when the following week at 5 weeks 4 days I started spotting red and was again asked to go get blood work done. I received the results almost immediately. My levels came back at 22,750! I thought "holy hell, this is a molar pregnancy." If you followed my story from a few months ago, I had a molar pregnancy scare. They thought my blighted ovum was actually a mass of cells that just multiply out of control in the gestational sac. They tend to take over almost like cancer. It was terrifying. I asked the nurse if she thought that was too high and she said no and scheduled me for an ultrasound the next day.

I woke up the morning of my ultrasound with a sickening feeling. I thought for sure I was miscarrying. I was spotting still and told Joe not to expect any good news at all. He, of course, was very optimistic telling me that he had a very good feeling about this time around. As I begin to drive, I realize I had not eaten lunch. If I don't eat when I am pregnant my blood sugar takes a nose dive and I get nauseas, I begin to shake and I get dizzy! Add to that my nerves and you have got a dangerous situation. We pulled over to the nearest gas station and got some potato chips and a diet coke. Within minutes of scarfing it down I felt much better and we had arrived to my appointment. I was told to undress from the waist down. My knees were shaking and I thought for sure I would pass out on the exam table. I caught a glimpse of the baby and saw a flickering bright spot, it was the heartbeat that I have been hoping to see! Joe has a huge smile on his face. I almost cry. Well, the tech then flashes to a gray screen and under #of embryos she writes "2." I looked at Joe to see if he noticed but I just assume that must be some sort of code. I look back at the screen and the tech starts to say, "well I wanted to be sure of this before I show you. You, my dear, are expecting twins." WHAT?? There they were, two little sacs with their perfectly formed little beings. Their little yolk sacs providing nutrients and their little hearts beating strongly at 5 weeks 5 days. Baby A measured 5 weeks 6 days and baby B measured 5 weeks 4 days. Both of their heartbeats were in the 100s. My own heart was racing as well. Today we saw the little twinkies (appropriate since today Hostess went belly up lol) and their hearts were beating strongly at 154 and 139 BPMs. All I can do is laugh. And cry. This is one of the happiest moments in my life. It reminds me so much of the happiness I felt when we saw Adrianna for the first time in the ultrasound with her little heart beating so strongly. She is going to love being a big sister, twice! My heart just grew that much bigger and made room for my little babies.
God had a bigger and better plan afterall. He apparently also has a sense of humor. More updates to come! No facebook congrats yet as we are not ready to share our news with the whole world yet :)

Twinkies at 5 weeks 5 days

Twinkies at 7 weeks 2 days

BTW, we never even got to begin our consult with the RE that was going to help us conceive. This was all natural BAY-BAY!!

I Lose Count

Yep, it has gotten to that point in Adrianna's age that I actually lose count of how many "months" old she is. It is a little sad that she has reached this point but I am loving every moment of this fun and stressful age.

Adrianna speaks full sentences even clearer now. She has said things like "I can't reach it" and "I don't like this" and it is always catching me off guard when I hear it. She uses her pronouns pretty well for a 2 year old, I must say. She addresses herself as "I" and uses it in the correct tense....most times. I am so proud of how smart she is. She even reads! Not really, but she has memorized several books enough to open them and start "reading" them. When she comes to a page she doesn't know, she will make up a story according to what pictures she sees on the page. It is actually fascinating to watch! She loves to watch anything on PBS now, especially Super Why...I can't stand that show but hey, it is whatever she likes! Her favorite is stil Mickey Mouse Clubhouse though, she loves her Mickey and her Disney. She loves almost all Disney movies too, she watched The Great Mouse Detective the other day and loved it! She is definitely my child :)

This month is an exciting month for the Dolce's. We are soon going to find out where the Air Force is moving us to next. As of right now, Joe has heard back from a job in Los Angeles and he definitely has a job offer from them. He is awaiting a response from a job in Washington DC that he really hopes he gets, it is very selective and would look fantastic on his record if he does get it. We are playing the waiting game, but know that if DC fails the Dolce's are headed to the west coast for sure! I can't wait to find out. We are anxious to move, although we love the area and being close to family we are ready for a change. For me, personally, there are a lot of good memories as well as some pretty horrible ones here. I could use a change of scenery.

As for our baby news, whether there is good news or not Joe and I have decided we would rather wait to share any news (good or bad) until we have more information. I have not seen my new OB yet, but she has been in contact with me and we have a few things in the works. Hopefully all test results will have come back soon and we will have more answers towards our next step in growing our family. As for now, please say prayers for us, I so badly want to give Adrianna a healthy little brother or sister that I will do almost anything to make it possible.

Halloween is tomorrow, I can't believe this will be Adrianna's 3rd Halloween! She will be Rapunzel this year, with the long braided wig and everything! She is so excited she wears her wig around all the time! She has been practicing how to say "trick or treat" and it has to be the cutest thing I have ever heard her say. She LOVES candy lately...what kid doesn't! Should be fun! I probably won't blog for a few weeks, at least until I hear more news about our baby journey, we will see.

27 months...when do you stop counting months?

That is the question. When do I stop referring to Adrianna as being "....months old?" It is so weird to say she is two, she looks so much younger than two yet acts so much older than two. I am not sure when I last left off on her development but she is fully speaking sentences now. Full, opinionated, funny sentences. She repeated every little thing we say. She asks for things, says no to things and will tell us exactly what is going through her little mind. I ask her what she wants for breakfast every morning and every morning it is either oatmeal or cereal. Not just any cereal, she specifically asks for Froot Loops. I let her pick out her own cereal at the store (big mistake) and after I vetoed Toasty-Os and Frosted Flakes I caved on Froot Loops...and boy is she HOOKED! It is fun to see her love the cereals I loved as a kid. Yea Yea it is sugary blah blah, she gets plenty of well balanced meals and healthy snacks throughout the day (most days anyway). I am just happy she is eating anything at all. She has to help me make her lunch now too, which I think helps her get excited about eating it. We make PBJ sandwiches together all the time and she gets a kick out of it. She tells me "more momma" or "all done momma" and even says "yumm it good momma" when she really likes what she is eating. Thank God she loves to eat now. Now I have an actual little person to entertain every day. She interacts with me, tells me she wants to go to the park or to play with a friend or play with her toys. She tells me what bedtime story she wants to read ( today was green eggs and ham, which she asked for clear as day) and what shoes she wants to wear. I guess what is most surprising to me is how much detail she can express in her sentences at two! It is amazing what she has learned and what she understands. She gave her baby doll time out the other day and when I asked her why her doll got time out she said "he biting it" which means the doll bit her...she says that when the dog licks her too. It is just too funny!
Recently, we enrolled Adrianna in a dance studio. She was taking ballet and tap. I really thought she would love it because she loves to be independent and loves to follow movement and direction, but it turns out she hated it. She hated being away from me, I had to leave her in the class and the door had to be closed while I watched from the waiting room on a video screen. Some days she seems so mature and so independent that I forget she does still need her mommy. She needs the security of knowing I am right there with her. She is a little shy around other kids so reassurance is still very much something she seeks from me often. I tried it for 3 weeks and then finally decided to pull her out of dance. I was reminded during this time that she is still very much my baby girl. She is not that big, she is still little and still needs me. I am in no rush to make her grow up. This includes potty training. I want her to fully be ready before I throw her into another scenario that will make her little world turn upside down. This includes preschool. We can start her in preschool at 2 years 9 months...but I doubt I will start that early.
I am a very (mostly) hands off kind of parent. Nothing phases me. Adrianna can play in dirt, eat candy, play in puddles and mud, doesn't have to hold my hand every single second when we are outside of the house etc...I don't really let my fears of what might happen get to me when it comes to letting her blossom into a preschooler. I do fear, believe me I fear. I fear that something will happen or someone might kidnap her or that she might choke, get a parasite or get bullied. These are all rational fears, I just try to keep everything in perspective. I still let her be free, to be herself. My wish is that she will not need my reassurance as much as the months go on. My fear is that she will not need me as much as the months go on. The reality that I am faced with is that she will not need me or my reassurance as much in the very extremely near future. Then, maybe then I will stop referring to her age in months....and that is the final milestone I have left of her "baby days." And my fear is that I may never have the chance to fully appreciate every single second of that ever again...because with Adrianna I couldn't wait for her to be who she is right now, talking and being herself. No one warned me that I may never experience the "baby days" again...otherwise I would have cherished every single moment that.much.more.

All I want...

My birthday is coming up next month and I have been asking myself what I want for my birthday. We are headed to Buffalo, NY to watch the Buffalo Bills game already and Joe has promised me a new jersey. I am excited about that, it is a family trip which includes my brother in laws, their significant others and friends. But what do I really want for my 27th birthday. I know the answer to that question, but it scares me to my core that it may not be in my cards...at least not the way I hope. My only want is to be able to carry another child. to be pregnant, to feel a life within me. I really thought that by now I would be having sleepless nights waking up with a newborn and with a 2 year old because she would most likely wake up when she heard the cries. I was suppose to be a mommy again this month. That dream was taken from me all too soon, my angel baby now sits in heaven growing with god and my grandma. I don't think I will ever naturally conceive another child, I just have the strange suspicion that I will need medical intervention. I am scared to think about the future because if it means that I will not be able to have more children I will be devastated. I choose to live in the here and now so I never have to think about that. I have been keeping busy with volunteer work and my newest ventures...I am now a Scentsy Consultant. If you have never heard of Scentsy visit my site www.ydolce.scentsy.us. I have also been accepted into a master's program, I am getting an MPA with a health services management concentration. I cannot afford to have an idle mind, it eats me up alive. We had a fantastic summer, despite the devastating loss of our third pregnancy. I have made some fantastic new friends and opened myself to a deeper friendship with those that I kept slightly distant. I am trying to establish a new me. I want to work on myself, hence my master's and volunteer work. There is more to me than being a mother and housewife, sometimes it is so easy to forget that. My hope is that through my volunteer work in the Hanscom Spouses Club and getting back into school I will make new friends, have some fun and stimulate my mind learning new things. I have always had a love for editing and writing, so I took on the role of editor for the Spouses Club newsletter. I quickly figured out just how much I LOVE getting publications like this together. It is exciting to see my finished work printed with my name as editor. Sure it is just a minor little publication, but it is mine none the less. Countless hours spent learning how to navigate through Microsoft Publisher (I could kiss the genius that invented this program because it is amazing!) can definitely feel like you put your heart into what you are doing and I hope others see that. I really cannot wait to begin school in January and begin writing papers...I actually miss that, does that make me crazy? Then call me crazy I guess. My poor blog has been neglected lately, and I haven't kept up with writing about Adrianna who now fully communicates with me in sentences...and boy does she get her point across! But yes, all I want for my birthday is a positive pregnancy test and a glimmer of hope for the future.

Life has been good...

Lately I can't help but feel so content with our
Life. I am just in a spot, finally, where I can feel an emotion other than sadness. I think being around family definitely did the trick. Since joe got back from
Deployment last month we have been with his parents, my teenage cousin( who spent a month helping me with Adrianna) and with my whole extended family in Miami. It really makes me think about how much I would miss every single person if something ever happened to them. I know that people grow old and eventually pass away but if I could freeze time I would freeze it right here, right now. The mix of age groups in my family is perfect. Everyone can enjoy being out bowling together as well as sharing stories and laughing in the livingroom. We have been traveling to Miami and were here for 10 days to celebrate my grandparents 50 year wedding anniversary. I am not sure if it is because I don't see them often but this trip I saw them and noticed just how much older they look. My grandfather gets very sleepy often, my grandmother wears her wrinkles beautifully because she looked fantantastic that night. It makes me almost cry when I think about who will be around and who will not be around to, say, celebrate Adrianna's sweet 16, watch her graduate high school and college, get married or have kids of her own. Even scarier, who will Not be around to meet my future children or those of my brothers. Makes me sad to think about. I guess all we can do is enjoy every moment we can with our loved ones. Sure it seems a cliche thing to say but it is the best i have right now. This trip was about togetherness, nostalgia and love. Adrianna will hopefully have many moments like these to share with them...all of them. Life really is too short.