Sunday, September 23, 2012

All I want...

My birthday is coming up next month and I have been asking myself what I want for my birthday. We are headed to Buffalo, NY to watch the Buffalo Bills game already and Joe has promised me a new jersey. I am excited about that, it is a family trip which includes my brother in laws, their significant others and friends. But what do I really want for my 27th birthday. I know the answer to that question, but it scares me to my core that it may not be in my least not the way I hope. My only want is to be able to carry another child. to be pregnant, to feel a life within me. I really thought that by now I would be having sleepless nights waking up with a newborn and with a 2 year old because she would most likely wake up when she heard the cries. I was suppose to be a mommy again this month. That dream was taken from me all too soon, my angel baby now sits in heaven growing with god and my grandma. I don't think I will ever naturally conceive another child, I just have the strange suspicion that I will need medical intervention. I am scared to think about the future because if it means that I will not be able to have more children I will be devastated. I choose to live in the here and now so I never have to think about that. I have been keeping busy with volunteer work and my newest ventures...I am now a Scentsy Consultant. If you have never heard of Scentsy visit my site I have also been accepted into a master's program, I am getting an MPA with a health services management concentration. I cannot afford to have an idle mind, it eats me up alive. We had a fantastic summer, despite the devastating loss of our third pregnancy. I have made some fantastic new friends and opened myself to a deeper friendship with those that I kept slightly distant. I am trying to establish a new me. I want to work on myself, hence my master's and volunteer work. There is more to me than being a mother and housewife, sometimes it is so easy to forget that. My hope is that through my volunteer work in the Hanscom Spouses Club and getting back into school I will make new friends, have some fun and stimulate my mind learning new things. I have always had a love for editing and writing, so I took on the role of editor for the Spouses Club newsletter. I quickly figured out just how much I LOVE getting publications like this together. It is exciting to see my finished work printed with my name as editor. Sure it is just a minor little publication, but it is mine none the less. Countless hours spent learning how to navigate through Microsoft Publisher (I could kiss the genius that invented this program because it is amazing!) can definitely feel like you put your heart into what you are doing and I hope others see that. I really cannot wait to begin school in January and begin writing papers...I actually miss that, does that make me crazy? Then call me crazy I guess. My poor blog has been neglected lately, and I haven't kept up with writing about Adrianna who now fully communicates with me in sentences...and boy does she get her point across! But yes, all I want for my birthday is a positive pregnancy test and a glimmer of hope for the future.

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