Pregnant with a 2 1/2 year old

Adrianna is officially, in 2 days, 2 1/2 years old. In 6 months she will be three and we will be a family of 5! It is so funny to think that in just 6 short months our little family will undergo so many changes. I love it =)

Adrianna updates:
She is one spunky toddler! She loves so many things; movies, coloring/drawing, her blanket and her stuffed kitty, and her mommy and daddy. We love her so much as well! She has been talking so much lately. her speech is actually amazing. She uses full sentences even better now, she pretend plays which is adorable, and she wont stop saying 'mama' all.day. long! She will go into her play room and make "food" for her kitty and for her baby. I overhear her saying "open up, eat it all! It good?" She copies us so much! The other night I was putting her to bed and I told her to tuck me in instead because mama was tired. She tucked me in and then said "look at me! no get out of bed, close your eyes, go night night. Look at my eyes, do you understand?" It was hilarious! I tell her that often before kissing her goodnight because she has the tendency to get out of bed and play in her room or walk to our bedroom. There are so many other things she does, she is growing up faster than ever.

We talk to her about being a big sister all the time. I ask her how many babies mommy has in her belly and she says two very proudly! She points to my belly, gives it a kiss, points to my boobs and says mommy has babies in there then points to daddy's belly and says he has babies too. Pretty funny, right? Not when she points to my boobs in public and says my babies are in there! I think she mistakes the word boobie for baby (when she asks what my boobs are I tell her they are mommy's boobies, trying to use as close to accurate anatomy names as possible). She hugs my belly all the time and becomes more and more independent every day. Now if only she would potty train! We are working on that. As far as her stats go, we haven't been to the dr since her 2 year checkup, but I know she has grown in height and weight since then. She fits into 2t sized shirts, 18 month and sometimes 24 month pants, and wears size 7 shoes. My little stinker is finally gaining weight to make it to 24 month pants! I don't know how since she still doesn't eat as much as I would like. She loves breakfast, instant oatmeal made with milk is a favorite of hers as well as bagels (which she insists cannot be cut at all). She snacks the rest of the time, sometimes I can convince her to eat lunch but I almost always lose that battle. Apple sauce pouches and buddy fruit pouches are my saving grace to get any sort of nutrition in her as far as fruit goes. I have lost the veggie battle for now. She loves milk!! we had to cut her milk intake to when she wakes up, at nap time and before bed. She could easily drink 6 cups a day if we let her! She sneaks in the kitchen and grabs cookies, goldfish, gummies and occasionally chocolate off of my candy dish on the dining room table. She has a serious sweet tooth...explains why she is the sweetest 2 year old I know =) We can't get enough of her. She does sleep in a toddler bed, we transitioned her when she turned 2. When we move to our next duty station we will get her a bigger bed along with her own bedroom furniture which happens to be MY old bedroom furniture growing up. It is so precious to know my daughter will use MY dressers from when I was growing up. They are a beautiful light colored wood with painted pink roses as accents. We will still get her a new bed, preferably a full sized bed. This will hopefully help us with the dent the twins will make in our budget. Do you know how much you have to get two of when getting ready for twins? Neither do I, so when I find out I'll let you know.

My Twin Pregnancy:

How far along? 15 week exactly. I feel more like 24 weeks and look like I am pushing into my thrid trimester. It's all for the babies!

Maternity clothes? Tops and jeans. My boobs still fit into my bra thankfully. I had to buy a maternity coat which I did not have to do with Adrianna

Weight Gain? Yeah. I’m supposed to gain anywhere from 40-56lbs. Most of it during the first two trimesters. I am currently at a whopping 16 lb gain...Holy crap. I weigh what I weighed when I was induced with Adrianna. Scary

Stretch Marks? Adrianna left a few and being that this is actually my 5th pregnancy (3 miscarriages) I have plenty of these nasty tiger stripes

Sleep? I can nap like nobody's business but when it comes to overnight sleep, that has been interrupted by 2-3 bathroom trips and weird vivid dreams. My belly is also getting to the point where it is hard to find a comfortable position. reflux also keeps me up. 

Movement? Oh I feel them. They are pretty active in there. I still feel baby B more than baby A

Genders? We find out on February 1st!

What I miss? My motivation. 

Food cravings? I mainly just want to eat but nothing sounds good ever to me. 

Food aversions? The biggest has to be chicken nuggets, tenders and wings. Second to that is anything with ground beef. The smell is just awful

Labor signs? No. Hoping it stays that way for a long time.

Belly button in or out? In. Never popped with Adrianna. It just became a large cave. So this time…

What I’m looking forward to? Our ultrasound on feb 1st, hitting the 24 week milestone when if by chance I go into labor the viability rate is now decent for the babies. I hope to god I don't have to endure this. I still pray every day

Milestones? Hitting the second trimester. Hearing the heartbeats by doppler at my 13 week OB appointment 

Things I wish people knew: Twins run in my husband's side of the family, but that doesn't matter when it comes to conceiving twins spontaneously. It follows the woman's genealogy. Twins do not run in my family at all....not even in distant family that we know of. This was a complete and utter surprise...a very welcomed surprise. Also, I will always feel a little apprehensive when I talk about the babies. In the back of my mind I am always thinking that something might happen if I talk about them too much or show too much excitement over being pregnant with twins.

I am not complaining, but if I did...

I need to release all of this. I told myself I would not complain this pregnancy because I have wanted it for such a long time. I appreciate every single moment so far and I am loving it! Yet, I have the annoying little symptoms and daily issues that just plain annoy me! Maybe some of you can relate, if you are or have been pregnant. Maybe you think I am being unappreciative and should just shut up and be glad I am pregnant. Maybe I don't care what anyone thinks because here goes:

-Eating. I love to eat. I hate to make myself something to eat or find something to eat nearly every hour. If I spend an hour or more without munching on something my blood sugar does a nose dive and I feel like crap. If this has ever happened to you, you know just how crappy it makes you feel.

-Drinking water. From week 8 to now and I am sure for the rest of the pregnancy I have been extremely thirsty. I drink water constantly. I pee constantly. I am so tired of feeling like my uterus is going to fall right out of me when I walk when I haven't used the bathroom for half an hour. I pee 2 times a night and can't fall back to sleep after both times. WTF? Once at 11pm and once at around 3am....same time every single night since week 10. I am 14 weeks now and I am thinking I will get no relief because I am pregnant with twins and my uterus is the size of a watermelon. Or so it feels.

-Sleep. Why is it that pregnancy makes me feel like I took a sleeping pill and only slept for an hour. It sucks to go about my day groggy and longing for a nap. Do you know how hard it is to talk myself into leaving the house or even showering. It is annoying. Yea yea I am growing 2 babies, but oh my god I just want a little bit of energy at some point during the day. I don't remember feeling this bad with Adrianna...I also didn't have a toddler to chase after at the time.

-Dry skin. Oh do I hate dry skin. During pregnancy, my skin gets super dry and itchy. It happened with Adrianna and is happening again now. Nothing I use helps soothe it. Someone please recommend something because I am out of ideas!

-Pregnancy glow. I don't have it. I can't fake it.

-Hair. My hair is greasy and so is my face. I can't seem to keep up with the demand to wash it enough to keep it looking shiny and pretty. Speaking of hair, a wonderful side effect of pregnancy is reduction of loss of hair. Hormones also make "other" hair grow faster. My legs, my eyebrows, even a surprise chin hair or two. WHY?? It is horrible! All I am saying is thank goodness it is winter, feel free to throw up because I haven't shaved my legs in like 5 weeks. and I don't care...I'm on pelvic rest anyway so no extra curricular activities....if you know what I mean. Joy.

My head always hurts, my back always hurts, I am always out of breath. My clothes are too tight and I feel like a whale.

Just some annoying things from today.
1. Why would you make an OB office feel like hell. Heat wise. I mean it was 1000 degrees in there today. There are pregnant women in there for goodness sake!
2. There should be water dispensers at all OB offices. No exceptions. Period.
3. If I don't look at the scale, don't tell me how much I weigh. Ugh...
4. Patients shouldn't complain about waiting too long to be seen when they aren't pregnant yet decide to choose an OBGYN instead of a regular GYN. (this woman was not of child bearing age anymore). Wait your freaking turn. I have shit to talk about with the Dr. And I have been here waiting longer than you. Don't roll your eyes at my 2 year old either because if Joe wasn't there to calm me down I would have had a few choice words for her....dehydrated and sweating and tired is not a recipe for a happy me.
5. If you are stopped at a light and there is a space for those who would like to bear right to be able to do so, give room. You have a car length in front of you and can clearly see my blinker. Don't be an asshole.

I couldn't be more thrilled that I am pregnant. So many things out weigh the bad and the annoying. Sometimes you have to stop pretending that everything is wonderful and you feel amazing while pregnant. Talk about the over active sweat glands, the greasy hair, the constipation (oh it happens. You know it does admit it!). Maybe some women love being pregnant. Maybe some women work extra hard to look immaculate while pregnant so people can say 'wow, pregnancy really agrees with you, you look better than ever!' That's not me. Don't tell me that from behind you can't even tell that I am pregnant or that I am all belly. You are full of shit. Don't ask me how I will have room to carry these babies because I don't know the freakin' answer. Don't feel bad if you have said any of this to me already...I promise I still love you :) Today was just a day to get all of this off of my chest.
Complaining doesn't mean you lose sight of the important job you are doing, growing a little miracle. It just means sometimes...just sometimes you can get it all off your chest.

Best part of my day? I got to hear both of my babies heart beats. Healthy heart beats. I am so glad that all is going well. Today, shit just got real. This is really happening. Twins.

History repeats itself (excerpt from my post at After the Storks)

You can find this post, and other helpful insights on what it is like after you have a baby at After the Storks where me and a few other moms blog about our unique experiences :)

I thought I would discuss sleepless nights. It seems like a far and distant memory..me being jolted from a deep sleep (I say this sarcastically because I haven't ever been able to sleep deeply since having A) to feed a baby at 2am who was just awake 2 hours ago. I change the diaper, make the bottle, feed the baby, clean up the projectile vomit that she would always do because she had acid reflux, rock her to sleep, take her downstairs because she won't sleep, watch 3am tv and fall asleep with her on my chest on my recliner..those really were the best times. At the time I was too tired to see that it would all fly by in an instant, that I would miss those times like crazy.

A is about 2 1/2 now and recently she has reverted back to waking in the middle of the night. For someone who has not had to tend to a child for over a year in the middle of the night, this is quite exhausting. From about 26 months on she has decided she would wake up, scream for me to get her water or that she wants milk then play in her bed for a few hours before falling asleep again. Last night she actually got out of bed, opened her door, opened my bedroom door and let herself on my bed. I was asleep, husband is out of town so you can imagine the scare I got at 4am. She played in my bed until 7am. It is brutal. Did I mention I am exhausted and pregnant with twins? My body is sore and I can barely keep my eyes open during the day. But when she finally fell asleep at 7am and I woke up around 8 and laid next to her, I began to daydream about what it will be like to have 3 little buddies in bed with me. Ideally I would not want to have my kids get used to crawling in bed with us, but they are so peaceful and cuddly. I look forward to the sleepless nights and the special bond I will build with the twins during those middle of the night feedings...mainly because I know it will get better and they will eventually sleep through the night. Until they turn two at least :)

When it came to sleep training A, I had no idea when to begin or how to go about doing it. She was 10 months old and I was still rocking her to sleep at night and for every nap. I had a friend with a child much younger than A. She would just put her baby in bed, he would cry for a few minutes then fall asleep on his own. She had the same video monitor I had, yet hers was placed on a table away from her. She wasn't concerned with his movements when he was in bed. She wasn't obsessively looking at the monitor every time she heard a noise. She told me she just learned not to worry, that he would be just fine. It was then that My husband and I decided we would sleep train A. We put her to bed that night with a bedtime story and a kiss. I took the monitor downstairs and my husband made me turn the volume all the way down. I still heard her screaming and crying. I was crying as well. I felt that if I just went up and rocked her she would fall asleep much better but realistically I couldn't expect her to depend on me for that always. I needed to let go. That night she cried for 20 minutes. We discussed that if she cried for a half and hour that I would go up and rock her. 20 minutes and she was asleep. The next day she napped with no issues, no rocking. That night she cried for 5 minutes. After that night we would read her a story, kids her goodnight and put her to bed. She would fall asleep without making a peep. She learned how to self soothe and put herself to sleep. I was a proud momma! She is still tat way to this day. Though now she has a special blanket and teddy she has to take to bed with her. She can't fall asleep without those two things, but she does it on her own. In her own big girl toddler bed. That transition was easier, I think, because she learned how to comfort herself. I am not saying this might be the case for all kids, but for her this is true. Sure she has now learned how to get out of said toddler bed, but they do say that history repeats itself. Seeing as how her infant days flew by, which can only mean her toddler days will fly by as well and she will soon be in school and such, I will cherish each and every single moment I can of hearing the pitter patter of her little feet through the hallway and stopping in front of my bedroom door. I will miss that someday.

Just a few thoughts

So far, this pregnancy has been fairly similar to my pregnancy with Adrianna. I do feel more appreciative this time around, however. I think it has to do with being naive with my first pregnancy. I felt like nothing would happen to me, all would be ok and it was fairly uneventful. I find myself being more nervous this time around...rightfully so. I am constantly thinking about what can go wrong and look forward to being reassured with ultrasounds and multiple OB visits.

With my longest pregnancy which ended in miscarriage, I wrote a 10 week update post. I have been hesitant about blogging since I am just shy of 11 weeks, I guess I just don't want to jinx myself. I want to be happy. I want to be worry free and just enjoy this pregnancy. This will likely be my last pregnancy. I may change my mind according to what the sex of the babies are, but I feel 80% positive this will be it...no matter what. I feel like I have been blessed this time around and I don't want to test fate anymore. When pregnant with Adrianna, Joe and I (ok maybe just me) dreamed about a big family with 4 or 5 children. I can't go through a loss again, I just can't. I feel like I want to sit back and enjoy every pregnancy craving, nauseas moment, kick, sleepless night that this pregnancy will bring. Besides feeling anxiety for the actual pregnancy, I want to share some of the anxieties I am currently feeling about having multiples.

I have a 2 1/2 year old who needs me. She loves me and loves to be the center of my world. I only have to arms and there is only one of me. I feel like she will feel replaced, big time. It is a constant fear of mine. Like she will resent her siblings. I fear that she will feel left out. That if the babies are both boys she will not be able to connect with them and have a relationship with them because they will be boys. I have two brothers and although we played as kids, we didn't get close until we got older. I am afraid that if I have to girls, they will bond with each other and be each other's best friend leaving Adrianna out from that unique bond. If I have one of each, I feel like it will be the best scenario for Adrianna....but I am, again, not being picky. I will take two healthy babies, no matter the sex. I am just slightly worried. I fear that my need to make sure the twins get enough time with me will cause chaos in my head. I want to be sure each gets equal skin to skin, alone time, together time with me and with each other...it is a lot to juggle. I fear expenses. We didn't pay for formula with Adrianna because she had a milk protein allergy so was on prescribed formula which insurance covered in full. Joe and I talked about me nursing our next child as much as possible to get the experience we didn't get with Adrianna and also to cut costs (lets be honest). How can I nurse two babies? Is that even possible? Will I even produce enough milk? I am going to be a human cow. I am never going to sleep again. This is my biggest anxiety. I fear that I wont be able to handle 3 kids. As in going to the grocery store, shopping, leaving the house in general. Did I mention we are moving shortly after the twins are born. I have anxiety about that too. I don't know how long or if they will be born early (38 weeks is our current goal, my OB is optimistic) and have to be in the NICU for a while. Will this delay our move? I fear that Adrianna's birthday will take a back seat because of the birth of the twins...her birthday is July 9th, I am due July 3rd but will likely birth in June sometime (I hope).

These are all of my current concerns among others related to my actual pregnancy....will I carry to 38 weeks? Will the babies be healthy? Will I actually have twins or is something going to happen to one of them? (morbid thought, I know but it is a very real fear). Will I be on bedrest. Sometimes I want to fast forward, but maybe not knowing is better. I would rather try and be happy and enjoy my time now than look into the future and see that one of my fears will actually come true. Make sense? Yea I know, doesn't make sense to me either sometimes.

All I know is that after the amazing birth of my first born, 3 miscarriages and finding out I am pregnant with twins, I am choosing not to question anything much right now....when I try and figure out how this actually happened I get chills. It gives me goosebumps. It is crazy how life works out. This is one of 3 significant times in my life where I have turned to God and He has granted me the answer to my prayers.

God has a sense of humor

Here is how this story begins. It starts a few weeks before my birthday when I blogged about how the only thing I wanted for my birthday was to be pregnant. To feel the joy and excitement of a positive pregnancy test. The day after my birthday, I got what I prayed for. I found out I was pregnant! Joe and I were soooo thrilled! At around 31/2 weeks I began spotting. "Here we go again" I thought. I immediately lost all hope and happiness for the pregnancy and decided I was going to become distant with it. I was not going to allow myself to love this baby until I was 100% positive it would be a viable little baby. I wanted to hear the healthy heartbeat before becoming emotionally attached. As the weeks went on the spotting continued. I just kept thinking why me? Why would God do this to me again?! I called my OB who sent me for blood work a few times. The first set of hCG levels that I got were taken at just shy of 4 weeks. My levels were in the 300s and my progesterone was 33. That is fantastic for progesterone btw. My next set were taken 3 days later and they were 859, more than double which is great! I became nervous when the following week at 5 weeks 4 days I started spotting red and was again asked to go get blood work done. I received the results almost immediately. My levels came back at 22,750! I thought "holy hell, this is a molar pregnancy." If you followed my story from a few months ago, I had a molar pregnancy scare. They thought my blighted ovum was actually a mass of cells that just multiply out of control in the gestational sac. They tend to take over almost like cancer. It was terrifying. I asked the nurse if she thought that was too high and she said no and scheduled me for an ultrasound the next day.

I woke up the morning of my ultrasound with a sickening feeling. I thought for sure I was miscarrying. I was spotting still and told Joe not to expect any good news at all. He, of course, was very optimistic telling me that he had a very good feeling about this time around. As I begin to drive, I realize I had not eaten lunch. If I don't eat when I am pregnant my blood sugar takes a nose dive and I get nauseas, I begin to shake and I get dizzy! Add to that my nerves and you have got a dangerous situation. We pulled over to the nearest gas station and got some potato chips and a diet coke. Within minutes of scarfing it down I felt much better and we had arrived to my appointment. I was told to undress from the waist down. My knees were shaking and I thought for sure I would pass out on the exam table. I caught a glimpse of the baby and saw a flickering bright spot, it was the heartbeat that I have been hoping to see! Joe has a huge smile on his face. I almost cry. Well, the tech then flashes to a gray screen and under #of embryos she writes "2." I looked at Joe to see if he noticed but I just assume that must be some sort of code. I look back at the screen and the tech starts to say, "well I wanted to be sure of this before I show you. You, my dear, are expecting twins." WHAT?? There they were, two little sacs with their perfectly formed little beings. Their little yolk sacs providing nutrients and their little hearts beating strongly at 5 weeks 5 days. Baby A measured 5 weeks 6 days and baby B measured 5 weeks 4 days. Both of their heartbeats were in the 100s. My own heart was racing as well. Today we saw the little twinkies (appropriate since today Hostess went belly up lol) and their hearts were beating strongly at 154 and 139 BPMs. All I can do is laugh. And cry. This is one of the happiest moments in my life. It reminds me so much of the happiness I felt when we saw Adrianna for the first time in the ultrasound with her little heart beating so strongly. She is going to love being a big sister, twice! My heart just grew that much bigger and made room for my little babies.
God had a bigger and better plan afterall. He apparently also has a sense of humor. More updates to come! No facebook congrats yet as we are not ready to share our news with the whole world yet :)

Twinkies at 5 weeks 5 days

Twinkies at 7 weeks 2 days

BTW, we never even got to begin our consult with the RE that was going to help us conceive. This was all natural BAY-BAY!!

I Lose Count

Yep, it has gotten to that point in Adrianna's age that I actually lose count of how many "months" old she is. It is a little sad that she has reached this point but I am loving every moment of this fun and stressful age.

Adrianna speaks full sentences even clearer now. She has said things like "I can't reach it" and "I don't like this" and it is always catching me off guard when I hear it. She uses her pronouns pretty well for a 2 year old, I must say. She addresses herself as "I" and uses it in the correct tense....most times. I am so proud of how smart she is. She even reads! Not really, but she has memorized several books enough to open them and start "reading" them. When she comes to a page she doesn't know, she will make up a story according to what pictures she sees on the page. It is actually fascinating to watch! She loves to watch anything on PBS now, especially Super Why...I can't stand that show but hey, it is whatever she likes! Her favorite is stil Mickey Mouse Clubhouse though, she loves her Mickey and her Disney. She loves almost all Disney movies too, she watched The Great Mouse Detective the other day and loved it! She is definitely my child :)

This month is an exciting month for the Dolce's. We are soon going to find out where the Air Force is moving us to next. As of right now, Joe has heard back from a job in Los Angeles and he definitely has a job offer from them. He is awaiting a response from a job in Washington DC that he really hopes he gets, it is very selective and would look fantastic on his record if he does get it. We are playing the waiting game, but know that if DC fails the Dolce's are headed to the west coast for sure! I can't wait to find out. We are anxious to move, although we love the area and being close to family we are ready for a change. For me, personally, there are a lot of good memories as well as some pretty horrible ones here. I could use a change of scenery.

As for our baby news, whether there is good news or not Joe and I have decided we would rather wait to share any news (good or bad) until we have more information. I have not seen my new OB yet, but she has been in contact with me and we have a few things in the works. Hopefully all test results will have come back soon and we will have more answers towards our next step in growing our family. As for now, please say prayers for us, I so badly want to give Adrianna a healthy little brother or sister that I will do almost anything to make it possible.

Halloween is tomorrow, I can't believe this will be Adrianna's 3rd Halloween! She will be Rapunzel this year, with the long braided wig and everything! She is so excited she wears her wig around all the time! She has been practicing how to say "trick or treat" and it has to be the cutest thing I have ever heard her say. She LOVES candy lately...what kid doesn't! Should be fun! I probably won't blog for a few weeks, at least until I hear more news about our baby journey, we will see.

27 months...when do you stop counting months?

That is the question. When do I stop referring to Adrianna as being "....months old?" It is so weird to say she is two, she looks so much younger than two yet acts so much older than two. I am not sure when I last left off on her development but she is fully speaking sentences now. Full, opinionated, funny sentences. She repeated every little thing we say. She asks for things, says no to things and will tell us exactly what is going through her little mind. I ask her what she wants for breakfast every morning and every morning it is either oatmeal or cereal. Not just any cereal, she specifically asks for Froot Loops. I let her pick out her own cereal at the store (big mistake) and after I vetoed Toasty-Os and Frosted Flakes I caved on Froot Loops...and boy is she HOOKED! It is fun to see her love the cereals I loved as a kid. Yea Yea it is sugary blah blah, she gets plenty of well balanced meals and healthy snacks throughout the day (most days anyway). I am just happy she is eating anything at all. She has to help me make her lunch now too, which I think helps her get excited about eating it. We make PBJ sandwiches together all the time and she gets a kick out of it. She tells me "more momma" or "all done momma" and even says "yumm it good momma" when she really likes what she is eating. Thank God she loves to eat now. Now I have an actual little person to entertain every day. She interacts with me, tells me she wants to go to the park or to play with a friend or play with her toys. She tells me what bedtime story she wants to read ( today was green eggs and ham, which she asked for clear as day) and what shoes she wants to wear. I guess what is most surprising to me is how much detail she can express in her sentences at two! It is amazing what she has learned and what she understands. She gave her baby doll time out the other day and when I asked her why her doll got time out she said "he biting it" which means the doll bit her...she says that when the dog licks her too. It is just too funny!
Recently, we enrolled Adrianna in a dance studio. She was taking ballet and tap. I really thought she would love it because she loves to be independent and loves to follow movement and direction, but it turns out she hated it. She hated being away from me, I had to leave her in the class and the door had to be closed while I watched from the waiting room on a video screen. Some days she seems so mature and so independent that I forget she does still need her mommy. She needs the security of knowing I am right there with her. She is a little shy around other kids so reassurance is still very much something she seeks from me often. I tried it for 3 weeks and then finally decided to pull her out of dance. I was reminded during this time that she is still very much my baby girl. She is not that big, she is still little and still needs me. I am in no rush to make her grow up. This includes potty training. I want her to fully be ready before I throw her into another scenario that will make her little world turn upside down. This includes preschool. We can start her in preschool at 2 years 9 months...but I doubt I will start that early.
I am a very (mostly) hands off kind of parent. Nothing phases me. Adrianna can play in dirt, eat candy, play in puddles and mud, doesn't have to hold my hand every single second when we are outside of the house etc...I don't really let my fears of what might happen get to me when it comes to letting her blossom into a preschooler. I do fear, believe me I fear. I fear that something will happen or someone might kidnap her or that she might choke, get a parasite or get bullied. These are all rational fears, I just try to keep everything in perspective. I still let her be free, to be herself. My wish is that she will not need my reassurance as much as the months go on. My fear is that she will not need me as much as the months go on. The reality that I am faced with is that she will not need me or my reassurance as much in the very extremely near future. Then, maybe then I will stop referring to her age in months....and that is the final milestone I have left of her "baby days." And my fear is that I may never have the chance to fully appreciate every single second of that ever again...because with Adrianna I couldn't wait for her to be who she is right now, talking and being herself. No one warned me that I may never experience the "baby days" again...otherwise I would have cherished every single moment that.much.more.