16 months..

16 months ago, I was in a hospital holding the most precious gift god had given me. Strapped up to all sorts of wires and monitors was my very perfect, very little Adrianna Teresa. It has been a whirlwind since and time has just flown by. Adrianna is a very intelligent little toddler. Her most recent amazing skill is knowing when my cellphone is "locked" and handing it to me to unlock. She will throw a fit until I slide the little button to the unlock position. I have an iphone, she learned how to unlock my phone all by herself this morning and made a few phone calls while at it. She never ceases to amaze me :) She is still around the 3rd percentile for her weight, she is 19 lbs 4 oz. She doesn't eat very much and lately wont eat even her favorite foods. It has been a little hard on me to say the least. Every time we come home from the doctors office I feel defeated, like a failure, and the most unfit mother to my little girl. I know I am none of those things but I cannot help but feel that way when everything I try with Adrianna to make her gain weight does not work. We go for another weight check on November 18th so I am hoping she has made some progress otherwise the recommendation is to get her evaluated by a GI doctor for Celiacs, reflux and anything else they might test for. I am hoping there aren't going to be any major dietary changes for her.

I feel like all of my blog posts are about Adrianna. I named my blog "Diapers and a Dream" maybe I should start talking more about what my "dreams" are. I have recently started a battle within myself as to whether or not I am ready to go back to work. Some days I feel so ready and others I can't imagine leaving Adrianna in a day care. I know working would be nice....the extra money could come in handy and socialization for me is also a plus. A few weeks ago I filled out a few applications for some administrative assistant positions and within 24 hours I got calls for interviews. I was shock, overwhelmed and a bit teary eyed. I figured it would be a few weeks before I got any calls which would give me time to prepare and to get used to the working idea. Needless to say, I couldn't bring myself to go through with the interviews. I was so caught up in guilt. I know Adriana would do fine in day care, I don't have a fear of leaving her there. What I was worried about was not being there for her on a daily basis. It hurts my heart to know that I might be missing out on the rest of her milestones. Also if we had a second child, I wouldn't leave my job which would mean I wouldn't be able to enjoy the first year like I enjoyed Adrianna's. I am debating the working situation and hopefully will come up with a reasonable solution. Truth is, I really feel like I am great at home and with Adrianna but I also feel like I should be working at least part time and helping add more income to our savings. Another thing I have been toying with for a while is going back to school. Before I had  Adrianna I wanted to go back to school for a master's in counseling psychology. I had known I wanted to counsel ever since I was in middle school. I can't explain how I got the notion that I would be good at this but I did. Of course, when Adrianna was born I suddenly lost interest in everything else except for being the best mom I could be to my little girl. I don't know if anyone else has experienced this feeling, but being a stay at home mom I almost felt like I lost a sense of who I was. My identity was now the provider of food and diaper changes....it was a little depressing at times. I loved being a mom, don't get me wrong, but it was a very difficult thing adjusting to my new role as a stay at home mom rather than having a routine of going to work everyday out of the home and bringing home a paycheck. I embraced my new role and made the best of it. I can safely say I have grown into a more well rounded person, babies will certainly humble you. I taught myself to be a better cook, learned to have schedules for everything, and best of all I actually had time to decorate my house and make it a home. It has been a blessing to be home with my baby girl for sure. I can't help but wonder if I am just way too adjusted now and am looking to take the next step....whether that step will be go back to work or have another baby I don't know....


Here is my Adrianna at 16 months old<3