Friday, October 11, 2013

Life After Twins: 4 Month

Last I left you all I was begging to give birth to these precious babies. I couldn't take one more second of being pregnant. I was induced and gave birth to the most beautiful babies on June 6, 2013 on 8:11pm and 8:20pm. Twins. I remember when I found out I was going to have twins. It was the most special I have felt ever in my life. I was one of the few. Unique (but not really, many people I knew have twins or triplets...Shirley) ;) I just loved every second of it. I was so beyond happy. I had lost 3 precious angel babies to miscarriage so I felt I was given a second chance at having the big family I always dreamed of. O went through many emotions during those 6 months. Fear, excitement, anxiousness, excitement again, agony, fear, FEAR, and then relief. Relief when I held my babies for the first time. It was literally love at first sight, twice. Did you know that when you have twins you almost have an outer body experience? Really! I almost couldn't believe what was happening. I was in the NICU and was being told how beautiful my baby was then I was AGAIN told how beautiful my OTHER baby was. It was so hard to wrap my head around. Two beautiful and perfect baby girls here in this NICU and both were mine. How? I will never know. I am afraid to question. Through all of the difficult weeks in the NICU both of my babies were reunited after 30 days at home with us where they belonged. My 3 year old was so confused after having her momma gone for so long and visiting sisters that really to her barely existed because they didn't live in her every day life. Then we moved. Military life moved us from Massachusetts to Virgina. 9 years as an Air Force spouse and this was by far the most difficult move ever. It took about 3 weeks to settle into our most amazing house in Virginia and we love it. Fast forward to many long nights, doctor visits, crying (me and the babies) and sending my 3 year old to preschool and you will be here, today. 4 months have gone by since the day I gave my final push and gave life to Isabella, the last baby (maybe) I will push out. It almost seems surreal that I have been living a life with 3 beautiful girls for so long. But I am here to tell you about some things I have learned being a twin mom. Know that I am so thankful and grateful every single day of my and their existence but it is not rainbows and butterflies. Here is a snip it of my life as I tell it.

So, the move was horrible. I cried. The babies cried. Adrianna cried. I remember only certain things. The mind is really good at erasing the most difficult times. I remember when Victoria would not ever sleep for more than an hour. I love my husband but I remember, vividly, How soundly he slept through the crying and how I envisioned every possible way to literally smother him in his sleep. I remember how he would wake the next morning and claim he got no sleep and how I thought I would really kill him. KILL HIM! I remember when Isabella would not eat. How she would just not suck hard enough to get any formula and I would just sob and beg her to eat. I remember how Victoria would poop blood and I would will her to stop and just be ok. After many doctor visits I was told her body had to get rid of the irritation in her bowels. It was stressful and awful. She projectile vomited often and many times all over herself and car seat while we were en route to Virginia. Again, I would remember planning out a murder while my husband would ask me why I was so stressed out during this move. Bless that man, he did not know any better. Hormones plagued me hard and I am aware of that now...not so much then.

The whirlwind of feeding and learning the personalities hit me hard. I am never going to forget the days I would just stare at Victoria screaming, begging me to hold her and stare at Isabella, content in her bouncy seat putting herself to sleep. I spent many days bouncing and rocking Vicky and, what I saw as, ignoring Bella. Poor Bella. She slept in bed with us because i didn't hold her all day long. Poor Adrianna, my 3 year old who also needed her momma. We quickly realized that Adrianna just needed to go to preschool in order to get more than what I cold give her. I was so unsure. I was unsure of everything I was doing. I had my mom helping me daily but it does not make my days simple, it helps me juggle the crazy. And I can't ever repay her for what she has done. Learning to feed, crying, poop, impossible trips to run errands. This was my life. I hid the stress. Posting on facebook "oh I love getting my hair done, my nails look so pretty, I heart relaxing summer nights." I was so stressed during the day. I did do those things but never relaxed. I am still not relaxed. Confession: I love when people call me super mom. Couldn't be further from the truth. I can't stop. It isn't that I can do all of these things it is that I can't stop doing everything. The only constant in all of the craziness? HAPPINESS. I am truly happy. Really. I will tell you why.

The twins are now 4 months old. Bella has deep conversations with me. Babbling and baby talk that mean more to me than anything. Vicky looks for me when I speak and instantly shoots me a smile. Adrianna asks me to give her a big squeeze every time I drop her off to preschool and when she isn't in school she randomly will ask to give me 24 kisses. It melts me. My husband is still a guy. But watching him let Adrianna do his hair, pretend paint his nails and dance with her because she calls him her prince....that man is more than I can ever have dreamed of. Perfect for me. I would have been sad if I killed him, hahaha. The way he talks back to Bella's babble and how he makes Vicky's eyes light up lets me know that he is perfect for them too. Adrianna, her daddy is her hero. She tells me every time we talk about what daddy does as his job. And I can say, these past 4 months, no matter how difficult have been the best 4 months I have ever had. Period. I am so fulfilled, so blessed. Gag all you want, I cannot lie.

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