Look how far I've come

When I think back to the losses we experienced last year, I still can't believe I have made it through all of that with my sanity almost intact. Sure my anxiety is through the roof some days, but we all have bad days. What is even more amazing is that I am 30 weeks into this pregnancy with the twins. I couldn't be more thankful for this gift God has given me and my little family. I know it has been quite a while since I have blogged, but I haven't had much happen that is blog worthy really. Which is a good thing, this pregnancy has been fairly uneventful with a few tiny hiccups here and there.

At around 23 weeks or so, I started having Braxton Hicks contractions (non painful false contractions). With each one I had, my heart felt like it would beat very fast. I called the OB, thinking she would just tell me to drink extra water or something but she sent me to get a STAT EKG at the emergency room! Talk about scary! It ended up being nothing and I had no contractions that were being read on the monitor so I was sent home.

26 weeks rolled around and I was still having BH pretty frequently, except this time they came with a pain in the pit of my stomach. It was strange so I called the OB again and was sent to L&D. The contractions were not even registering on the monitor which was a good thing. It ended up I had a horrible UTI, who knew that pain felt like painful contractions ? So after 2 antibiotics, a yeast infection due to said antibiotics (being a girl is rough, and disgusting) and endless amounts of water I finally am UTI free. I still get BH pretty frequently and some are painful! A different kind of painful though, more like tightening pain and cramping which is normal at this stage of pregnancy with twins. Apparently my uterus is irritable. Sounds great.

My 28 week checkup, just like every other check up, starts with BP and urine sample. Then my OB checks the heart rates of the babies and measures my uterus....which at 28 weeks measured in at a whopping 40 weeks. So I am measuring as if I were full term. At 28 weeks. WTF am I going to measure at when I am 33 or 34 weeks, 48 weeks? Is that even possible? I don't want to know. I am 4'11 and have gained like 26 lbs so far. I have no shame in my weight anymore, I am weighing in at 187.5 lbs. I'm sure I will see close to 200 before I give birth. I can't even imagine. In between UTI, peeing every time I sneeze, peeing 20,000 times a day and the dreaded H word most women experience while pregnant (yes hemorrhoids  I don't even give a shit that you know that about me...how's that for no filter) revealing that I am 187 lbs doesn't even phase me. Pregnancy is beautiful, and disgusting. I can write more on that after I give birth...did I mention baby B is breech? Thaaats right, I get to be cut open like a friggen science project and have two babies yanked out of my stomach while trying not to pull out one of my organs along with it.

30 weeks today, eviction date is June 19th. It can't come fast enough! Today baby A had low fluid and was measuring a little smaller than her sister, but they are both still healthy. Baby A is 2 lbs 5 oz and baby B is 2 lbs 11 oz. They are busy kicking my bladder, hiding under my ribs and I am pretty sure baby B is trying to poke her feet out of my vagina she kicks my nether regions so hard. If in a year I say I miss being pregnant and want to have another one, remind me how much I love wine and  punch me in the stomach so I remember the pain I am in right now with these babies constantly beating up my insides. Please and thank you.

9 weeks

Very large at 29 weeks 5 days

22 weeks

I can't believe I am 22 weeks pregnant today! We found out a few weeks ago we are expecting two more girls, it's about to be a girlie Dolce household! My husband is a lucky man ;) Lots of people I know are so curious to see how big I have gotten or how big I am getting so here it is:

9 weeks

13 weeks

20 weeks

The answer is clear, I am getting pretty big and still have 3 months to get even bigger! This is fun to see, not so fun to experience. I have had the pleasure of dealing with painful heartburn and my fingertips going numb due to nerve pressure. The twinkies are also both head down, which means pressure in my pelvis and excrutiating pubic bone pain! I'm talking I can't even lift my leg to put pants on pain! And the peeing, oh the peeing. I hate sneezing....use your imagination with that one kids. Pregnancy is not glamorous and twin pregnancy is even less so. I keep all things in perspective though. I have never been happier. I get a huge smile on my face when I get to see the twinkies in an ultrasound. They are so amazing and so darn cute already! Adrianna has started to tell everyone she is going to be a big sister and that momma has two babies in her belly. It is adorable. She cuddles with my belly, she hugs and kisses my belly, and she has felt the babies move already through my belly. She loves this and I am so happy I get to share this experience with her.

I am in a good place mentally. I try not to worry about what I cannot control and I take good care of myself. I know the babies will be fine. We have slowly started to buy a few things for them too, I bought a bouncy seat and boppy and have been gifted cute outfits. All of this has made me very excited. I day dream constantly about what they will look like, when they will be born, what it will be like once they are here. Did I mention we named them as well? Baby A is Victoria Rose and baby B is Isabella Sophia. I have always hated using short names or nick names, but I think I will be allowing myself and others to call them "Vicky" and "Bella." I love their names and can't wait to get monogrammed things with their names on it! My latest maternal fetal medicine ultrasound (high risk OB, perinatologist, are the only ones allowed to do an ultrasound on me) showed that the girls had no abnormalities and were growing great. Baby A is 13 oz and baby B is 12 oz. It did show that my cervix was opening slightly, it went from 5cm to 3.2cm, which is still in the normal range. I need to be seen March 11th again which is in 2 weeks versus being seen every 4 weeks. They want to be sure I don't continue to open, which my Braxton Hicks contractions could be causing. Never a dull moment! So I have been making it a point to put my feet up as much as possible and to rest when I feel I need it. I do not need to go into early labor or deal with the stress of bed rest, which ironically is suppose to be less stressful....yea maybe if you don't already have a child that needs your attention! All in all, I'd say I have been doing well so far. Adrianna is as cute as ever and learning new things every day and my wonderful hubby doesn't have a business trip planned for quite a while, that's always nice! Hopefully my next blog will be about our house hunting success and I will be sharing pictures of our new home in DC (or Virginia or Maryland). Here are some stats to leave you with:

How far along? 22 weeks. Measuring at 28 weeks, however. Huge!

Maternity clothes? LOL! Most likely for a few months after delivery as well

Stretch Marks? Check!

Sleep? I nap like a champ and snore my life away at night. Besides being woken up by my inscesant need to be and the acid burning through my esophogus, I'd say I sleep pretty well for a pregnant woman.

Movement? They are both head down and press their legs against my ribs. I feel them more and more every day!

Genders? Twin GIRLS!

Weight Gain: Check! LOL I have no shame in admitting that I have gained a good 24 lbs so far. I just wont tell you what number exactly the scale says, that scares me.

What I miss? Not feeling out of breath just from getting up off the couch 

Food cravings? Check. 

Food aversions? I love it all

Labor signs? Braxton Hicks. Nothing alarming

Belly button in or out? In. Stretched as wide as I have ever seen it

What I’m looking forward to? I take it one day at a time. Savor every moment

Milestones? They both weigh almost 1 pound each!

Things I wish people knew: I am not yet in my 3rd trimester. I can't tell which baby is which when they move, they are both so close together. I don't know how to answer the "when are you due" question. I don't have morning sickness. Nothing is worse with this pregnancy than with a singleton pregnancy other than I am more tired and am gaining weight faster this time around.

Preschool

I have always thought that as soon as my child was old enough, she would go to preschool no questions asked. Until I got too close to that point. I am not even sure where my apprehension stems from. could it possibly have to do with the fact that this would mean she really REALLY wouldn't be my little baby anymore? Could it be the recent tragic events of Sandy Hook elementary and other similarly scary situations happening in schools throughout the US(of course the world as well, but we don't plan on leaving the country anytime soon). Whatever it is, it is there. I am terrified.

A few months ago, when I took Adrianna to her two year checkup, her pediatrician was going through the typical questions...does she climb up stairs one foot at a time and can she do a couple without holding onto anything? Does she speak in two or three word sentences? Does she recognize some colors? Does she know more than 40 words? The pediatrician didn't need me to answer many of these because Adrianna was demonstrating her abilities the whole time. I already knew she was a bright child, and that her vocabulary was extensive for her age. After her initial checkup, the doctor told me that she is more than ready for preschool and gave me her immunization chart in case I wanted to enroll her sometime within the next few months. OH.MY.GOD. Preschool???!!!! I had thought about it and had discussed it with Joe but for someone else to point out the reality that my baby girl was almost ready for preschool freaked me out! Ever since then I have been thinking about what it would be like and I almost end up weeping in a corner with her cuddled in my arms....and by almost I mean this has actually happened more than once. I can't imagine not being there to oversee her growth and to protect her from kids that can be mean. I can't imagine not being the one to teach her. I know homeschooling isn't right for my family, but I have considered it. So here I am, facing the potential of preschool. By September, my baby will be in preschool. I can enroll her earlier but I want to wait until she is 3. I need to buy myself more time to prepare myself. If I were to take her tomorrow, she would have no problem going into the class and could care less if I left her there by herself. She is soooo independent that it kills me. Just cry for mama for once!!! Is that too much to ask :( She knows her ABCs, counts to 20, can pretend to read a book based on interpretation of the pictures in the book, she can do puzzles and recognizes all shapes even trapezoids and diamonds, she pretend plays, and she is so ready to begin. I don't know where the time goes but it is going way too fast.

It makes me so anxious that I have to put her safety in someone else's hands. I have to drop her off in the mornings and trust that she will be there when I pick her up, safe and sound. Sure, parents have been doing this for years and I am sure with similar worries but things like kidnappings and school shootings are very real and make this transition all too worrisome for me. I know I will let go and just send her off to school one day. I have to let her grow into a person away from her mommy and daddy. I can't hold on forever. I just can't help but think that this will just be one of many times I will have to let her go, it is going to snowball from preschool to high school to college to having to watch her walk down the isle one day and give herself to her future husband. I'm telling you, I'm not crazy people. I know how this works. It starts with preschool then BAM! She moves out on her own. And I can't stop it. All I can do is savor each and every single second of the time I have with her, just us. No siblings (yet!) no sharing with anyone else. Just her and me, and Toy Story...which I will watch as many times as she wants me to without complaining, if it means getting to hold her close for one more day. Just her and me.

Pregnant with a 2 1/2 year old

Adrianna is officially, in 2 days, 2 1/2 years old. In 6 months she will be three and we will be a family of 5! It is so funny to think that in just 6 short months our little family will undergo so many changes. I love it =)

Adrianna updates:
She is one spunky toddler! She loves so many things; movies, coloring/drawing, her blanket and her stuffed kitty, and her mommy and daddy. We love her so much as well! She has been talking so much lately. her speech is actually amazing. She uses full sentences even better now, she pretend plays which is adorable, and she wont stop saying 'mama' all.day. long! She will go into her play room and make "food" for her kitty and for her baby. I overhear her saying "open up, eat it all! It good?" She copies us so much! The other night I was putting her to bed and I told her to tuck me in instead because mama was tired. She tucked me in and then said "look at me! no get out of bed, close your eyes, go night night. Look at my eyes, do you understand?" It was hilarious! I tell her that often before kissing her goodnight because she has the tendency to get out of bed and play in her room or walk to our bedroom. There are so many other things she does, she is growing up faster than ever.

We talk to her about being a big sister all the time. I ask her how many babies mommy has in her belly and she says two very proudly! She points to my belly, gives it a kiss, points to my boobs and says mommy has babies in there then points to daddy's belly and says he has babies too. Pretty funny, right? Not when she points to my boobs in public and says my babies are in there! I think she mistakes the word boobie for baby (when she asks what my boobs are I tell her they are mommy's boobies, trying to use as close to accurate anatomy names as possible). She hugs my belly all the time and becomes more and more independent every day. Now if only she would potty train! We are working on that. As far as her stats go, we haven't been to the dr since her 2 year checkup, but I know she has grown in height and weight since then. She fits into 2t sized shirts, 18 month and sometimes 24 month pants, and wears size 7 shoes. My little stinker is finally gaining weight to make it to 24 month pants! I don't know how since she still doesn't eat as much as I would like. She loves breakfast, instant oatmeal made with milk is a favorite of hers as well as bagels (which she insists cannot be cut at all). She snacks the rest of the time, sometimes I can convince her to eat lunch but I almost always lose that battle. Apple sauce pouches and buddy fruit pouches are my saving grace to get any sort of nutrition in her as far as fruit goes. I have lost the veggie battle for now. She loves milk!! we had to cut her milk intake to when she wakes up, at nap time and before bed. She could easily drink 6 cups a day if we let her! She sneaks in the kitchen and grabs cookies, goldfish, gummies and occasionally chocolate off of my candy dish on the dining room table. She has a serious sweet tooth...explains why she is the sweetest 2 year old I know =) We can't get enough of her. She does sleep in a toddler bed, we transitioned her when she turned 2. When we move to our next duty station we will get her a bigger bed along with her own bedroom furniture which happens to be MY old bedroom furniture growing up. It is so precious to know my daughter will use MY dressers from when I was growing up. They are a beautiful light colored wood with painted pink roses as accents. We will still get her a new bed, preferably a full sized bed. This will hopefully help us with the dent the twins will make in our budget. Do you know how much you have to get two of when getting ready for twins? Neither do I, so when I find out I'll let you know.

My Twin Pregnancy:

How far along? 15 week exactly. I feel more like 24 weeks and look like I am pushing into my thrid trimester. It's all for the babies!

Maternity clothes? Tops and jeans. My boobs still fit into my bra thankfully. I had to buy a maternity coat which I did not have to do with Adrianna

Weight Gain? Yeah. I’m supposed to gain anywhere from 40-56lbs. Most of it during the first two trimesters. I am currently at a whopping 16 lb gain...Holy crap. I weigh what I weighed when I was induced with Adrianna. Scary

Stretch Marks? Adrianna left a few and being that this is actually my 5th pregnancy (3 miscarriages) I have plenty of these nasty tiger stripes

Sleep? I can nap like nobody's business but when it comes to overnight sleep, that has been interrupted by 2-3 bathroom trips and weird vivid dreams. My belly is also getting to the point where it is hard to find a comfortable position. reflux also keeps me up. 

Movement? Oh I feel them. They are pretty active in there. I still feel baby B more than baby A

Genders? We find out on February 1st!

What I miss? My motivation. 

Food cravings? I mainly just want to eat but nothing sounds good ever to me. 

Food aversions? The biggest has to be chicken nuggets, tenders and wings. Second to that is anything with ground beef. The smell is just awful

Labor signs? No. Hoping it stays that way for a long time.

Belly button in or out? In. Never popped with Adrianna. It just became a large cave. So this time…

What I’m looking forward to? Our ultrasound on feb 1st, hitting the 24 week milestone when if by chance I go into labor the viability rate is now decent for the babies. I hope to god I don't have to endure this. I still pray every day

Milestones? Hitting the second trimester. Hearing the heartbeats by doppler at my 13 week OB appointment 

Things I wish people knew: Twins run in my husband's side of the family, but that doesn't matter when it comes to conceiving twins spontaneously. It follows the woman's genealogy. Twins do not run in my family at all....not even in distant family that we know of. This was a complete and utter surprise...a very welcomed surprise. Also, I will always feel a little apprehensive when I talk about the babies. In the back of my mind I am always thinking that something might happen if I talk about them too much or show too much excitement over being pregnant with twins.

I am not complaining, but if I did...

I need to release all of this. I told myself I would not complain this pregnancy because I have wanted it for such a long time. I appreciate every single moment so far and I am loving it! Yet, I have the annoying little symptoms and daily issues that just plain annoy me! Maybe some of you can relate, if you are or have been pregnant. Maybe you think I am being unappreciative and should just shut up and be glad I am pregnant. Maybe I don't care what anyone thinks because here goes:

-Eating. I love to eat. I hate to make myself something to eat or find something to eat nearly every hour. If I spend an hour or more without munching on something my blood sugar does a nose dive and I feel like crap. If this has ever happened to you, you know just how crappy it makes you feel.

-Drinking water. From week 8 to now and I am sure for the rest of the pregnancy I have been extremely thirsty. I drink water constantly. I pee constantly. I am so tired of feeling like my uterus is going to fall right out of me when I walk when I haven't used the bathroom for half an hour. I pee 2 times a night and can't fall back to sleep after both times. WTF? Once at 11pm and once at around 3am....same time every single night since week 10. I am 14 weeks now and I am thinking I will get no relief because I am pregnant with twins and my uterus is the size of a watermelon. Or so it feels.

-Sleep. Why is it that pregnancy makes me feel like I took a sleeping pill and only slept for an hour. It sucks to go about my day groggy and longing for a nap. Do you know how hard it is to talk myself into leaving the house or even showering. It is annoying. Yea yea I am growing 2 babies, but oh my god I just want a little bit of energy at some point during the day. I don't remember feeling this bad with Adrianna...I also didn't have a toddler to chase after at the time.

-Dry skin. Oh do I hate dry skin. During pregnancy, my skin gets super dry and itchy. It happened with Adrianna and is happening again now. Nothing I use helps soothe it. Someone please recommend something because I am out of ideas!

-Pregnancy glow. I don't have it. I can't fake it.

-Hair. My hair is greasy and so is my face. I can't seem to keep up with the demand to wash it enough to keep it looking shiny and pretty. Speaking of hair, a wonderful side effect of pregnancy is reduction of loss of hair. Hormones also make "other" hair grow faster. My legs, my eyebrows, even a surprise chin hair or two. WHY?? It is horrible! All I am saying is thank goodness it is winter, feel free to throw up because I haven't shaved my legs in like 5 weeks. and I don't care...I'm on pelvic rest anyway so no extra curricular activities....if you know what I mean. Joy.

My head always hurts, my back always hurts, I am always out of breath. My clothes are too tight and I feel like a whale.

Just some annoying things from today.
1. Why would you make an OB office feel like hell. Heat wise. I mean it was 1000 degrees in there today. There are pregnant women in there for goodness sake!
2. There should be water dispensers at all OB offices. No exceptions. Period.
3. If I don't look at the scale, don't tell me how much I weigh. Ugh...
4. Patients shouldn't complain about waiting too long to be seen when they aren't pregnant yet decide to choose an OBGYN instead of a regular GYN. (this woman was not of child bearing age anymore). Wait your freaking turn. I have shit to talk about with the Dr. And I have been here waiting longer than you. Don't roll your eyes at my 2 year old either because if Joe wasn't there to calm me down I would have had a few choice words for her....dehydrated and sweating and tired is not a recipe for a happy me.
5. If you are stopped at a light and there is a space for those who would like to bear right to be able to do so, give room. You have a car length in front of you and can clearly see my blinker. Don't be an asshole.

I couldn't be more thrilled that I am pregnant. So many things out weigh the bad and the annoying. Sometimes you have to stop pretending that everything is wonderful and you feel amazing while pregnant. Talk about the over active sweat glands, the greasy hair, the constipation (oh it happens. You know it does admit it!). Maybe some women love being pregnant. Maybe some women work extra hard to look immaculate while pregnant so people can say 'wow, pregnancy really agrees with you, you look better than ever!' That's not me. Don't tell me that from behind you can't even tell that I am pregnant or that I am all belly. You are full of shit. Don't ask me how I will have room to carry these babies because I don't know the freakin' answer. Don't feel bad if you have said any of this to me already...I promise I still love you :) Today was just a day to get all of this off of my chest.
Complaining doesn't mean you lose sight of the important job you are doing, growing a little miracle. It just means sometimes...just sometimes you can get it all off your chest.

Best part of my day? I got to hear both of my babies heart beats. Healthy heart beats. I am so glad that all is going well. Today, shit just got real. This is really happening. Twins.

History repeats itself (excerpt from my post at After the Storks)

You can find this post, and other helpful insights on what it is like after you have a baby at After the Storks where me and a few other moms blog about our unique experiences :)

I thought I would discuss sleepless nights. It seems like a far and distant memory..me being jolted from a deep sleep (I say this sarcastically because I haven't ever been able to sleep deeply since having A) to feed a baby at 2am who was just awake 2 hours ago. I change the diaper, make the bottle, feed the baby, clean up the projectile vomit that she would always do because she had acid reflux, rock her to sleep, take her downstairs because she won't sleep, watch 3am tv and fall asleep with her on my chest on my recliner..those really were the best times. At the time I was too tired to see that it would all fly by in an instant, that I would miss those times like crazy.

A is about 2 1/2 now and recently she has reverted back to waking in the middle of the night. For someone who has not had to tend to a child for over a year in the middle of the night, this is quite exhausting. From about 26 months on she has decided she would wake up, scream for me to get her water or that she wants milk then play in her bed for a few hours before falling asleep again. Last night she actually got out of bed, opened her door, opened my bedroom door and let herself on my bed. I was asleep, husband is out of town so you can imagine the scare I got at 4am. She played in my bed until 7am. It is brutal. Did I mention I am exhausted and pregnant with twins? My body is sore and I can barely keep my eyes open during the day. But when she finally fell asleep at 7am and I woke up around 8 and laid next to her, I began to daydream about what it will be like to have 3 little buddies in bed with me. Ideally I would not want to have my kids get used to crawling in bed with us, but they are so peaceful and cuddly. I look forward to the sleepless nights and the special bond I will build with the twins during those middle of the night feedings...mainly because I know it will get better and they will eventually sleep through the night. Until they turn two at least :)

When it came to sleep training A, I had no idea when to begin or how to go about doing it. She was 10 months old and I was still rocking her to sleep at night and for every nap. I had a friend with a child much younger than A. She would just put her baby in bed, he would cry for a few minutes then fall asleep on his own. She had the same video monitor I had, yet hers was placed on a table away from her. She wasn't concerned with his movements when he was in bed. She wasn't obsessively looking at the monitor every time she heard a noise. She told me she just learned not to worry, that he would be just fine. It was then that My husband and I decided we would sleep train A. We put her to bed that night with a bedtime story and a kiss. I took the monitor downstairs and my husband made me turn the volume all the way down. I still heard her screaming and crying. I was crying as well. I felt that if I just went up and rocked her she would fall asleep much better but realistically I couldn't expect her to depend on me for that always. I needed to let go. That night she cried for 20 minutes. We discussed that if she cried for a half and hour that I would go up and rock her. 20 minutes and she was asleep. The next day she napped with no issues, no rocking. That night she cried for 5 minutes. After that night we would read her a story, kids her goodnight and put her to bed. She would fall asleep without making a peep. She learned how to self soothe and put herself to sleep. I was a proud momma! She is still tat way to this day. Though now she has a special blanket and teddy she has to take to bed with her. She can't fall asleep without those two things, but she does it on her own. In her own big girl toddler bed. That transition was easier, I think, because she learned how to comfort herself. I am not saying this might be the case for all kids, but for her this is true. Sure she has now learned how to get out of said toddler bed, but they do say that history repeats itself. Seeing as how her infant days flew by, which can only mean her toddler days will fly by as well and she will soon be in school and such, I will cherish each and every single moment I can of hearing the pitter patter of her little feet through the hallway and stopping in front of my bedroom door. I will miss that someday.

Just a few thoughts

So far, this pregnancy has been fairly similar to my pregnancy with Adrianna. I do feel more appreciative this time around, however. I think it has to do with being naive with my first pregnancy. I felt like nothing would happen to me, all would be ok and it was fairly uneventful. I find myself being more nervous this time around...rightfully so. I am constantly thinking about what can go wrong and look forward to being reassured with ultrasounds and multiple OB visits.

With my longest pregnancy which ended in miscarriage, I wrote a 10 week update post. I have been hesitant about blogging since I am just shy of 11 weeks, I guess I just don't want to jinx myself. I want to be happy. I want to be worry free and just enjoy this pregnancy. This will likely be my last pregnancy. I may change my mind according to what the sex of the babies are, but I feel 80% positive this will be it...no matter what. I feel like I have been blessed this time around and I don't want to test fate anymore. When pregnant with Adrianna, Joe and I (ok maybe just me) dreamed about a big family with 4 or 5 children. I can't go through a loss again, I just can't. I feel like I want to sit back and enjoy every pregnancy craving, nauseas moment, kick, sleepless night that this pregnancy will bring. Besides feeling anxiety for the actual pregnancy, I want to share some of the anxieties I am currently feeling about having multiples.

I have a 2 1/2 year old who needs me. She loves me and loves to be the center of my world. I only have to arms and there is only one of me. I feel like she will feel replaced, big time. It is a constant fear of mine. Like she will resent her siblings. I fear that she will feel left out. That if the babies are both boys she will not be able to connect with them and have a relationship with them because they will be boys. I have two brothers and although we played as kids, we didn't get close until we got older. I am afraid that if I have to girls, they will bond with each other and be each other's best friend leaving Adrianna out from that unique bond. If I have one of each, I feel like it will be the best scenario for Adrianna....but I am, again, not being picky. I will take two healthy babies, no matter the sex. I am just slightly worried. I fear that my need to make sure the twins get enough time with me will cause chaos in my head. I want to be sure each gets equal skin to skin, alone time, together time with me and with each other...it is a lot to juggle. I fear expenses. We didn't pay for formula with Adrianna because she had a milk protein allergy so was on prescribed formula which insurance covered in full. Joe and I talked about me nursing our next child as much as possible to get the experience we didn't get with Adrianna and also to cut costs (lets be honest). How can I nurse two babies? Is that even possible? Will I even produce enough milk? I am going to be a human cow. I am never going to sleep again. This is my biggest anxiety. I fear that I wont be able to handle 3 kids. As in going to the grocery store, shopping, leaving the house in general. Did I mention we are moving shortly after the twins are born. I have anxiety about that too. I don't know how long or if they will be born early (38 weeks is our current goal, my OB is optimistic) and have to be in the NICU for a while. Will this delay our move? I fear that Adrianna's birthday will take a back seat because of the birth of the twins...her birthday is July 9th, I am due July 3rd but will likely birth in June sometime (I hope).

These are all of my current concerns among others related to my actual pregnancy....will I carry to 38 weeks? Will the babies be healthy? Will I actually have twins or is something going to happen to one of them? (morbid thought, I know but it is a very real fear). Will I be on bedrest. Sometimes I want to fast forward, but maybe not knowing is better. I would rather try and be happy and enjoy my time now than look into the future and see that one of my fears will actually come true. Make sense? Yea I know, doesn't make sense to me either sometimes.

All I know is that after the amazing birth of my first born, 3 miscarriages and finding out I am pregnant with twins, I am choosing not to question anything much right now....when I try and figure out how this actually happened I get chills. It gives me goosebumps. It is crazy how life works out. This is one of 3 significant times in my life where I have turned to God and He has granted me the answer to my prayers.