God has a sense of humor

Here is how this story begins. It starts a few weeks before my birthday when I blogged about how the only thing I wanted for my birthday was to be pregnant. To feel the joy and excitement of a positive pregnancy test. The day after my birthday, I got what I prayed for. I found out I was pregnant! Joe and I were soooo thrilled! At around 31/2 weeks I began spotting. "Here we go again" I thought. I immediately lost all hope and happiness for the pregnancy and decided I was going to become distant with it. I was not going to allow myself to love this baby until I was 100% positive it would be a viable little baby. I wanted to hear the healthy heartbeat before becoming emotionally attached. As the weeks went on the spotting continued. I just kept thinking why me? Why would God do this to me again?! I called my OB who sent me for blood work a few times. The first set of hCG levels that I got were taken at just shy of 4 weeks. My levels were in the 300s and my progesterone was 33. That is fantastic for progesterone btw. My next set were taken 3 days later and they were 859, more than double which is great! I became nervous when the following week at 5 weeks 4 days I started spotting red and was again asked to go get blood work done. I received the results almost immediately. My levels came back at 22,750! I thought "holy hell, this is a molar pregnancy." If you followed my story from a few months ago, I had a molar pregnancy scare. They thought my blighted ovum was actually a mass of cells that just multiply out of control in the gestational sac. They tend to take over almost like cancer. It was terrifying. I asked the nurse if she thought that was too high and she said no and scheduled me for an ultrasound the next day.

I woke up the morning of my ultrasound with a sickening feeling. I thought for sure I was miscarrying. I was spotting still and told Joe not to expect any good news at all. He, of course, was very optimistic telling me that he had a very good feeling about this time around. As I begin to drive, I realize I had not eaten lunch. If I don't eat when I am pregnant my blood sugar takes a nose dive and I get nauseas, I begin to shake and I get dizzy! Add to that my nerves and you have got a dangerous situation. We pulled over to the nearest gas station and got some potato chips and a diet coke. Within minutes of scarfing it down I felt much better and we had arrived to my appointment. I was told to undress from the waist down. My knees were shaking and I thought for sure I would pass out on the exam table. I caught a glimpse of the baby and saw a flickering bright spot, it was the heartbeat that I have been hoping to see! Joe has a huge smile on his face. I almost cry. Well, the tech then flashes to a gray screen and under #of embryos she writes "2." I looked at Joe to see if he noticed but I just assume that must be some sort of code. I look back at the screen and the tech starts to say, "well I wanted to be sure of this before I show you. You, my dear, are expecting twins." WHAT?? There they were, two little sacs with their perfectly formed little beings. Their little yolk sacs providing nutrients and their little hearts beating strongly at 5 weeks 5 days. Baby A measured 5 weeks 6 days and baby B measured 5 weeks 4 days. Both of their heartbeats were in the 100s. My own heart was racing as well. Today we saw the little twinkies (appropriate since today Hostess went belly up lol) and their hearts were beating strongly at 154 and 139 BPMs. All I can do is laugh. And cry. This is one of the happiest moments in my life. It reminds me so much of the happiness I felt when we saw Adrianna for the first time in the ultrasound with her little heart beating so strongly. She is going to love being a big sister, twice! My heart just grew that much bigger and made room for my little babies.
God had a bigger and better plan afterall. He apparently also has a sense of humor. More updates to come! No facebook congrats yet as we are not ready to share our news with the whole world yet :)

Twinkies at 5 weeks 5 days

Twinkies at 7 weeks 2 days

BTW, we never even got to begin our consult with the RE that was going to help us conceive. This was all natural BAY-BAY!!

I Lose Count

Yep, it has gotten to that point in Adrianna's age that I actually lose count of how many "months" old she is. It is a little sad that she has reached this point but I am loving every moment of this fun and stressful age.

Adrianna speaks full sentences even clearer now. She has said things like "I can't reach it" and "I don't like this" and it is always catching me off guard when I hear it. She uses her pronouns pretty well for a 2 year old, I must say. She addresses herself as "I" and uses it in the correct tense....most times. I am so proud of how smart she is. She even reads! Not really, but she has memorized several books enough to open them and start "reading" them. When she comes to a page she doesn't know, she will make up a story according to what pictures she sees on the page. It is actually fascinating to watch! She loves to watch anything on PBS now, especially Super Why...I can't stand that show but hey, it is whatever she likes! Her favorite is stil Mickey Mouse Clubhouse though, she loves her Mickey and her Disney. She loves almost all Disney movies too, she watched The Great Mouse Detective the other day and loved it! She is definitely my child :)

This month is an exciting month for the Dolce's. We are soon going to find out where the Air Force is moving us to next. As of right now, Joe has heard back from a job in Los Angeles and he definitely has a job offer from them. He is awaiting a response from a job in Washington DC that he really hopes he gets, it is very selective and would look fantastic on his record if he does get it. We are playing the waiting game, but know that if DC fails the Dolce's are headed to the west coast for sure! I can't wait to find out. We are anxious to move, although we love the area and being close to family we are ready for a change. For me, personally, there are a lot of good memories as well as some pretty horrible ones here. I could use a change of scenery.

As for our baby news, whether there is good news or not Joe and I have decided we would rather wait to share any news (good or bad) until we have more information. I have not seen my new OB yet, but she has been in contact with me and we have a few things in the works. Hopefully all test results will have come back soon and we will have more answers towards our next step in growing our family. As for now, please say prayers for us, I so badly want to give Adrianna a healthy little brother or sister that I will do almost anything to make it possible.

Halloween is tomorrow, I can't believe this will be Adrianna's 3rd Halloween! She will be Rapunzel this year, with the long braided wig and everything! She is so excited she wears her wig around all the time! She has been practicing how to say "trick or treat" and it has to be the cutest thing I have ever heard her say. She LOVES candy lately...what kid doesn't! Should be fun! I probably won't blog for a few weeks, at least until I hear more news about our baby journey, we will see.

27 months...when do you stop counting months?

That is the question. When do I stop referring to Adrianna as being "....months old?" It is so weird to say she is two, she looks so much younger than two yet acts so much older than two. I am not sure when I last left off on her development but she is fully speaking sentences now. Full, opinionated, funny sentences. She repeated every little thing we say. She asks for things, says no to things and will tell us exactly what is going through her little mind. I ask her what she wants for breakfast every morning and every morning it is either oatmeal or cereal. Not just any cereal, she specifically asks for Froot Loops. I let her pick out her own cereal at the store (big mistake) and after I vetoed Toasty-Os and Frosted Flakes I caved on Froot Loops...and boy is she HOOKED! It is fun to see her love the cereals I loved as a kid. Yea Yea it is sugary blah blah, she gets plenty of well balanced meals and healthy snacks throughout the day (most days anyway). I am just happy she is eating anything at all. She has to help me make her lunch now too, which I think helps her get excited about eating it. We make PBJ sandwiches together all the time and she gets a kick out of it. She tells me "more momma" or "all done momma" and even says "yumm it good momma" when she really likes what she is eating. Thank God she loves to eat now. Now I have an actual little person to entertain every day. She interacts with me, tells me she wants to go to the park or to play with a friend or play with her toys. She tells me what bedtime story she wants to read ( today was green eggs and ham, which she asked for clear as day) and what shoes she wants to wear. I guess what is most surprising to me is how much detail she can express in her sentences at two! It is amazing what she has learned and what she understands. She gave her baby doll time out the other day and when I asked her why her doll got time out she said "he biting it" which means the doll bit her...she says that when the dog licks her too. It is just too funny!
Recently, we enrolled Adrianna in a dance studio. She was taking ballet and tap. I really thought she would love it because she loves to be independent and loves to follow movement and direction, but it turns out she hated it. She hated being away from me, I had to leave her in the class and the door had to be closed while I watched from the waiting room on a video screen. Some days she seems so mature and so independent that I forget she does still need her mommy. She needs the security of knowing I am right there with her. She is a little shy around other kids so reassurance is still very much something she seeks from me often. I tried it for 3 weeks and then finally decided to pull her out of dance. I was reminded during this time that she is still very much my baby girl. She is not that big, she is still little and still needs me. I am in no rush to make her grow up. This includes potty training. I want her to fully be ready before I throw her into another scenario that will make her little world turn upside down. This includes preschool. We can start her in preschool at 2 years 9 months...but I doubt I will start that early.
I am a very (mostly) hands off kind of parent. Nothing phases me. Adrianna can play in dirt, eat candy, play in puddles and mud, doesn't have to hold my hand every single second when we are outside of the house etc...I don't really let my fears of what might happen get to me when it comes to letting her blossom into a preschooler. I do fear, believe me I fear. I fear that something will happen or someone might kidnap her or that she might choke, get a parasite or get bullied. These are all rational fears, I just try to keep everything in perspective. I still let her be free, to be herself. My wish is that she will not need my reassurance as much as the months go on. My fear is that she will not need me as much as the months go on. The reality that I am faced with is that she will not need me or my reassurance as much in the very extremely near future. Then, maybe then I will stop referring to her age in months....and that is the final milestone I have left of her "baby days." And my fear is that I may never have the chance to fully appreciate every single second of that ever again...because with Adrianna I couldn't wait for her to be who she is right now, talking and being herself. No one warned me that I may never experience the "baby days" again...otherwise I would have cherished every single moment that.much.more.

All I want...

My birthday is coming up next month and I have been asking myself what I want for my birthday. We are headed to Buffalo, NY to watch the Buffalo Bills game already and Joe has promised me a new jersey. I am excited about that, it is a family trip which includes my brother in laws, their significant others and friends. But what do I really want for my 27th birthday. I know the answer to that question, but it scares me to my core that it may not be in my cards...at least not the way I hope. My only want is to be able to carry another child. to be pregnant, to feel a life within me. I really thought that by now I would be having sleepless nights waking up with a newborn and with a 2 year old because she would most likely wake up when she heard the cries. I was suppose to be a mommy again this month. That dream was taken from me all too soon, my angel baby now sits in heaven growing with god and my grandma. I don't think I will ever naturally conceive another child, I just have the strange suspicion that I will need medical intervention. I am scared to think about the future because if it means that I will not be able to have more children I will be devastated. I choose to live in the here and now so I never have to think about that. I have been keeping busy with volunteer work and my newest ventures...I am now a Scentsy Consultant. If you have never heard of Scentsy visit my site www.ydolce.scentsy.us. I have also been accepted into a master's program, I am getting an MPA with a health services management concentration. I cannot afford to have an idle mind, it eats me up alive. We had a fantastic summer, despite the devastating loss of our third pregnancy. I have made some fantastic new friends and opened myself to a deeper friendship with those that I kept slightly distant. I am trying to establish a new me. I want to work on myself, hence my master's and volunteer work. There is more to me than being a mother and housewife, sometimes it is so easy to forget that. My hope is that through my volunteer work in the Hanscom Spouses Club and getting back into school I will make new friends, have some fun and stimulate my mind learning new things. I have always had a love for editing and writing, so I took on the role of editor for the Spouses Club newsletter. I quickly figured out just how much I LOVE getting publications like this together. It is exciting to see my finished work printed with my name as editor. Sure it is just a minor little publication, but it is mine none the less. Countless hours spent learning how to navigate through Microsoft Publisher (I could kiss the genius that invented this program because it is amazing!) can definitely feel like you put your heart into what you are doing and I hope others see that. I really cannot wait to begin school in January and begin writing papers...I actually miss that, does that make me crazy? Then call me crazy I guess. My poor blog has been neglected lately, and I haven't kept up with writing about Adrianna who now fully communicates with me in sentences...and boy does she get her point across! But yes, all I want for my birthday is a positive pregnancy test and a glimmer of hope for the future.

Life has been good...

Lately I can't help but feel so content with our
Life. I am just in a spot, finally, where I can feel an emotion other than sadness. I think being around family definitely did the trick. Since joe got back from
Deployment last month we have been with his parents, my teenage cousin( who spent a month helping me with Adrianna) and with my whole extended family in Miami. It really makes me think about how much I would miss every single person if something ever happened to them. I know that people grow old and eventually pass away but if I could freeze time I would freeze it right here, right now. The mix of age groups in my family is perfect. Everyone can enjoy being out bowling together as well as sharing stories and laughing in the livingroom. We have been traveling to Miami and were here for 10 days to celebrate my grandparents 50 year wedding anniversary. I am not sure if it is because I don't see them often but this trip I saw them and noticed just how much older they look. My grandfather gets very sleepy often, my grandmother wears her wrinkles beautifully because she looked fantantastic that night. It makes me almost cry when I think about who will be around and who will not be around to, say, celebrate Adrianna's sweet 16, watch her graduate high school and college, get married or have kids of her own. Even scarier, who will Not be around to meet my future children or those of my brothers. Makes me sad to think about. I guess all we can do is enjoy every moment we can with our loved ones. Sure it seems a cliche thing to say but it is the best i have right now. This trip was about togetherness, nostalgia and love. Adrianna will hopefully have many moments like these to share with them...all of them. Life really is too short.

On a Happier Note...

Adrianna is TWO YEARS OLD! I just had her, it is unbelievable that she has been in this world for two whole years already! She is such a funny toddler, always making herself the center of attention with her funny antics. For some reason I am drawing a blank on the funny things she does, maybe I should start writing them down so I don't forget :) We celebrated her birthday three times this year! Since all of our family could not be together at the same time we split up her parties into each separate family and then one here with us and her little friends....one that she would enjoy doing her favorite thing, playing at Little Gym.


In Miami we had a Tangled themed birthday party, it was adorable! We had gone shopping for some decorations and I had her pick out her own theme, she picked Toy Story which was so not girly enough for me, ha! Then she picked Cars...what am I going to do with this girl! I then narrowed down a few girly themes and she picked Tangled. I know that doing a Toy Story or Cars theme for a girl is no big deal but I wanted something girly gosh darnit! maybe next year I will let her pick out her own theme no matter what it is. We even got a pinata for her. 

Even her kitty got in on some of the action!

 That was probably the highlight of her party for her. We both had fun being able to share her birthday with family that we hardly ever get to see, it was very special. 

My princess blowing out her candles

I think she loved the bouncy house!

When we got back to MA, we planned a big Little Gym birthday bash for her and a few of her little friends. We wish we could have invited every single one of her friends but that would have been very expensive! Do you know how hard it is to narrow down a list of kids to invite when you don't want to exclude anyone? Very hard! But I think we got a good bunch and it was the perfect amount of kids to avoid tantrums, exhaustion and to just plain have a great time

By the door ready to leave!

She just loves her "Joe" so much!

We picked an Olivia the Pig theme for this birthday, another of her favorites. I found the cutest outfit on Etsy for her to wear, and it turned out adorable! I have to say this is one of the best birthday parties I have ever been to, no not because I threw it but because it was so easy and stress free!

Her cake!

The spread

I think she was happy to be at her favorite place

I made some Mac n Cheese in individual cups and some home made fruit cups as well. I didn't want to do the typical pizza and ice cream to feed her and her friends, plus she isn't a big pizza fan. I wanted to incorporate Independence in eating so I made something the kids could eat all by themselves. I also made yummy finger sandwiches for the parents. The cake and cupcakes were delicious too! It was strawberry cake with strawberry filling and the cupcakes were yellow cake. Adrianna loved it and so did everyone else! It was a successful party.

Joe's parents and his family threw Adrianna a party in NY. Joe's brother, Paul, and his wife were in town from FL with their newborn so it was very special. Adrianna enjoyed lots of hugs and laughs with them. She loved her baby cousin too! I am so sad that I couldn't take any pictures because I forgot my camera :( I got one of her blowing out her candles though!

Cassata cake! (Cannoli cream cake)

Her cake was delicious and was made by the infamous Mike's Pastry here in Boston's North End. So yummy! We got to spend 10 whole days with my inlaws at their upstate house which was just perfect.

Walking her doggy down the country road

She had a fantastic birthday month and we spent it with the people that mean the most to us! Here are a few more pictures of the fun we have had:

Long story

I don't even know where to begin to write this horrible story. It has been an emotional roller coaster I hope to never experience again. I have been putting off this post but I have felt anger building up within and I am not really sure how to deal with it so I am hoping writing will make me feel better.

As you might know, if you read my blog which i doubt is very many people, we have recently suffered our third miscarriage. While my time in Tampa came to and end and right before Joe left for Afghanistan we found out we were expecting. After the devastating miscarriage just 3 months prior, you can imagine how thrilled we were about this blessing. I was headed to Miami while Joe spent a little over a month in Afghanistan so I was trying to take extra care of myself. I knew pre-natal care would have to wait until we returned to MA. Shortly after I arrived in Miami I discovered that I was spotting. I just chalked it up to normal first trimester spotting. Two weeks into my Miami vacation Adrianna caught the flu bug and I started to feel sick so coupled with the spotting I figured an ER visit was in order. I waited for 5 hours to be seen, I was about 6 weeks pregnant according to my LMP so i expected to see the little dot on the ultrasound. Instead I was told that it was maybe too early to see anything because there was an empty gestational sac measuring 5 weeks. They had also mentioned some cystic formations around the uterus which might have been nothing but was cautioned to be the beginnings of a molar pregnancy. I also had a few fibroids, one big enough to measure! Yikes! The ER doctor suggested I get blood work done that night and return the following week for another ultrasound. My levels came back normal for my gestation and the blood work from the following week confirmed normal HCG levels which had almost tripled in that time frame. That following week i waited to get another ultrasound and the outcome was the same, empty gestational sac that measured slightly bigger than last time. I was devastated. Worse off, i was having to go through this without the comfort of having my husband by my side. Lets just say the rest of my time spent in Miami was filled with the most anxiety I have ever felt in my life. I went though periods of serious depressive feelings. I cried almost every night. I put on a happy face for as long as I could until I could get back to MA and see my OB. It was the longest 4 weeks of my life. Thankfully my family in Miami is very entertaining so it made time spent more tolerable. My mom came for the last week I was there so it felt very comforting to have her there.

I returned to MA and had an appt that same week with my OB. An ultrasound was done and again there was an empty gestational sac. The ultrasound tech didn't say a word, she didn't have to I already knew this wasn't a normal pregnancy. My OB confirmed that I was probably beginning to miscarry because cystic formations begin to form once the sac begins to deform. She told me this is sometimes due to a twin pregnancy in which one of the embryos reabsorb. This explained what looked like little cysts all around the uterus. She said nothing could be confirmed unless I had a D&C with a chromosomal study in which they can determine the cause of miscarriage, as in whether or not it is due to a chromosomal abnormality. i told her I didn't want yet another D&C, she told me I didn't have to do anything and that she would monitor me until I miscarried. I left the OB's

A few days later I had contacted my OB to receive the results of the chromosomal study and was told they had to send it out to yet another institution because there were too many suspicions of molar pregnancy. They needed to be 100% sure. A few days after that I was told I did NOT have a molar pregnancy. I could breathe again.

Today it has been 3 weeks since my procedure and I am angry. Angry that I am given the miracle of pregnancy only for it to be taken away so quickly. Angry that it had to be in this manner, that I had the single scariest health concern I have ever had to date. Angry that something so special could have ended up being so dangerous to my health. I am past the sad stage. I don't feel the emptiness anymore. I just feel angry. I don't know why this keeps happening to us and it isn't fair. Angry is not where i want to be emotionally. I have already felt it affecting parts of my everyday life. I have a short temper lately and I just don't feel like myself. It could be the hormones, which I suspect it is. It isn't like I am never happy anymore, I have had some really great times in these past few weeks. Joe being home feels so great and finally being home is even better. Adrianna just brings so much joy to my days it is just heartwarming (despite the 2 year old tantrums, I will have to write about that another time). I feel myself going from joy and happiness to anger and frustration. It can happen in a matter of hours too, which is not like me at all. I don't want this to continue to ruin my moods yet I am not sure how to stop it from doing so. I don't think I know how to handle the emotions I am feeling. I do know one thing, I have a huge support system. I am coping the only way I know how, by writing and talking it through with my husband. He really has learned how to just listen to everything I have to say, no matter how unreasonable or selfish or angry the things I am telling him seem. He just listens. We both cried after spending the week with our newborn nephew....we haven't shared an emotion that strongly together since  reading our wedding vows and having our daughter.
So right now we are healing, trying to move forward and awaiting the massive amounts of blood work and testing that is soon to come before we embark on the journey of adding to our family again. I have come to terms that I will probably not give birth while we are living in MA. I will probably never use the nursery as a nursery again. We have turned it into Adrianna's girly room instead of maintaining its neutral tones, and in a way that makes me smile just a little. Adrianna will always be my little ray of sunshine behind this horrible gray cloud.