5 Weeks

Written May 31, 2012
I am 5 weeks pregnant and I don't feel a thing. I don't have morning sickness, no sore boobs, no exhaustion, nothing. I usually feel tired at least very early on in pregnancy so this is starting to worry me. I try not to think about it, but it is always on my mind. I am scared. I haven't yet been to the doctor. My insurance will not cover me outside of my coverage area so unless I start spotting and go to the ER, I have to wait until I get back to Massachusetts from Miami. So no real answers until at least July 2nd. I keep praying that all is well, I so badly want this baby. My belly is a little bloated, other than that the only proof I have of this pregnancy is the home pregnancy test, all 9 of them :) Hopefully in a few more weeks I will have some good news to share and maybe an ultra sound picture.

6 weeks

Written June 7th

The spotting stopped. I am still not feeling very pregnant but I am starting to show a bit. My jeans don't fit so I have resorted to leggings. Although he is far away, joe is helping me stay positive, I love that man. One strange thing that began a few days ago is stomach problems. I eat and it seems like I have to head straight to the potty right afterwards. I know that is gross but I felt the same with Adrianna, it was terrible. Hopefully time will pass quickly and I get to see my little growing jellybean soon.

Two Years

Baby Girl,

It has been two whole years since daddy and I welcomed you into the world. What a whirlwind of a year this has been for us. We have been through so much, learned, laughed, and made some wonderful memories. 

Lets start with some of our travels. This year we took you on a few road trips. You've been to Disney World more times than daddy and I have ever been. We went to Colorado and watched daddy get his masters degree. We visited friends at our first base assignment in Georgia and saw mommy and daddy's first house. We visited family in NY, went exploring in NH and did a sleigh ride. We took you to Miami a few times to spend time with your great grandparents and aunts/uncles/cousins from my side of the family. We made some amazing memories through these trips.

I can't even begin to write about all of the new stuff you have learned baby girl. You continue to amaze us every single day. While your daddy was deployed we stayed with him for a few months in Tampa and you really picked up a lot of new things there. You said your first full sentence there, "Where did it go?" and you learned to say your name. You even learned that the moon comes out at night and that it was too high. You are so funny, you really tried to jump and catch it and believe me baby girl when I say I would totally get it for you if I could. I would give you anything, that's how much I love you.

When daddy went away we went to Miami to stay with family and you learned even more things. You learned how to jump with both feet off the ground, you learned to recognize your name when I wrote it on a piece of paper, and you learned how to count and recognize colors. You are just amazing. You need me to pay attention to you when you speak. If I don't you grab my face and turn it so I face you. You look into my eyes and babble away and trust me I try so hard to understand what you are saying. Whatever it is, it is very important for you to communicate it to me. I love when you do that :) It has been easier to understand you more lately. You ask for food when hungry and do lots of pretend play with you baby dolls and with cars/legos/blocks/pretty much anything. You love to wear mommy's heels, and look so proud when I tell you that you look just like mommy. You even learned the concept of Skype and would ask for daddy or Abuela when you opened the app. Yes, you have grown quite fond of the iPad. It is so funny because you know exactly how to work it too. Another new thing you do now is you wont leave the house without your blankie which you call "B" and your kitty beanie baby that you call "keeey." And I think it is adorable that you need them to sleep with as well.

Since we have been back home and reunited with daddy, he has loved to see all of the new things you have learned. It is so fun living life through your innocent point of view. You have such a beautiful personality. You are so funny, you love to make other people laugh and love being the center of attention. You are very opinionated, you make sure that we understand what ever it is you need for us to understand. You very rarely get angry, but when you do watch out. It is all part of being 2, learning how to be your own person in a world where you are constantly told what to do. You have even received a few time outs for tantrums and you do very well with them. You give me a hug and say sorry right away. I wonder how much you can actually understand about your little world sometimes....probably more than I think you do. You are so intelligent, you love to read and you love to color. Give you a crayon and paper and you will be entertained for hours. You love Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Olivia, Bubble Guppies and pretty much anything with Blues Clues and elmo. In fact, whenever you see a paw print anywhere you yell out "clue clue!" So cute. Your favorite movies are Toy Story (all of them), Dumbo, Gnomeo and Juliet, and Tangled. You have a Tangled magic flower that lights up when you tap it and you sing the song when it lights up. You know the song..."flower gleam and glow, let your power shine..." That is something you did for the first time today. It isn't very clear but you know what you are saying. And you did it in your new big girl bed. We are so proud of you for sleeping so soundly in it. Just amazing. We had a birthday party for you last week in Miami, took you to see Brave today, have a Little Gym birthday party this coming Saturday and a BBQ at "Maaa" Lisa's house next week. You are one loved little girl. Mommy has been through some hard times these past few months and if it weren't for you I would be very sad. I don't even want to imagine a life without you. Because of your smile, I smile. You make everyone around you fall in love with you and if that isn't special well then I don't know what is. We love you more than words can describe. Living life through your eyes is like being a child again and it is truly a gift and a blessing. we can't wait to see what this year has in store.

Love Always,
Momma and Dadda (who you call Joe and it is adorable)

-To you, everything's funny, you got nothing to regret
And I'd give all I have, honey, if you could stay like that
-Taylor Swift

It's over

*written June 26th*

I have been spotting red for a few weeks. I have been to the ER twice and they have seen an empty gestational sac. My only hope is that when I go back to MA they can tell me whether or not this is a viable pregnancy. I am devastated. I am done trying. Maybe we will have better luck next year, until then I am healing emotionally and physically. I just cannot keep doing this. before you were in my womb I loved you. Rest peacefully my angel baby, keep your other two angel siblings company in heaven.

Written today
*update*
As suspected this is not a viable pregnancy. Joe and I are devastated. We are just so confused by all of this. All anger and sadness aside, we are still hopeful for the future and are grateful for our blessings. Adrianna is truly a joy and I couldn't ask for a better child. Continue praying for us. Over the next few days I'll be doing a "blog dump" of all the blogs I have written throughout this short pregnancy. I don't want to erase anything, I want to remember each moment, good or bad. Bare with me.

How to Miss a Childhood

I read this today and it really hit home. I have stopped using my phone as often as I use to but I still am on it more than I would like to be. I could just burst into tears right now. I don't want to miss a single moment in this beautiful life I have with my daughter. I am attempting a semi hands free mom approach. Only during naps or after bedtime will I look at my phone, answer texts or check Facebook. Why is it that we are so addicted to our technology? I hate to admit that I am, but admitting it is a step in the right direction. I will change, today. Will you vow to change?

Waiting is for the birds....

This entry contains a little bit too much information for those who dont want to read. Just a warning...nothing graphic but you will get to know my "cycle" a little. :)

I promised that you all will know when I know about our journey to baby number 2. So here is where we are. Please no Facebook posts or comments about this....I will link this entry to FB when I am ready...this is for my blog friends only for now :) Well after much thought and planning on our part, joe and I decided to start trying for baby number two again. We have been through a lot of tough days with our recent loss of baby girl that I miscarried back in February (chromosomal testing determined sex) that we weren't sure when we would be ready again. I really thought it would take me longer to want to attemp this again, I have been scared....we both have. The month of march was spent preparing for my husband's trip to Tampa, so that left little time to dwell on my hurt. My brain was busy. He left the second week of march and when I was faced with spending my nights alone the hurt came back. I cried almost every single night for a week. The only thing that helped was the thought of going to spend a month in Tampa with him in April then while he goes overseas spending a month in Miami. Fast forward to the last week of march, something happened. I felt in my heart I was ready again to try and conceive a precious little baby. I had watched an episode of 19 kids and counting where Michelle Duggar had miscarried a child at 19 weeks gestation. She was devastated but instead of focusing on the hurt and the emotional pain, she focused on the fact that she was blessed to have been given the oppoutunity to carry that child. She saw hope in the future. Although sad, she didn't let this send her into a depression. She continued on with her daily living and tried to appreciate the blessings she did already have in her life. I knew I was ready. She encouraged me to look at my blessings and not to fear the unknown. Not personally, but I swear it was like she was speaking directly to me during this episode.

I flew into Tampa on April 1st, looking forward to dive into trying to conceive again. I had decided not to wait for my menstrual cycle to return, I was given the green light by my OB to go ahead with my plans as long as I was ready and there is no certainty when it would return after a d&c. Sure enough, as I left the plane and met up with Joe in Tampa and like a bad april fools joke, I got my period. We waited and waited for it to be over. It seemed like forever. I downloaded an ovulation app on my phone (for free, I'm not that crazy) and we got on our way to actively trying for a baby. My next due menstraul cycle was suppose to be on the 24th of april, things went as planned my nature and I started another cycle. That was unsuccessful attempt #1. We waited yet again and checked my ovulation then tried again. Now it is today, May 19, and I am one day late. You would think I would have the answer I have been waiting for....the positive pregnancy test. Well I don't. Just my luck, I am the lucky person that must wait a full week past the expected start of my period to test. I have taken 5 pregnancy test within the last 4 days, yes one day I took two...once in the morning and once at night. I am the crazy lady that buys tons of pregnancy tests...I realize this is expensive but I HATE WAITING! This morning I took yet another test, this makes 6, and I saw the most deceiving plus sign. It was barely visible but I know I saw it....Joe thinks I am crazy. I still don't have my period, I don't have any concrete answers, and I am getting impatient. I do, however, have some slight symptoms. Today at breakfast I thought I was going to literally throw up everywhere after taking a bite of my omelet because I thought the cheese tasted funny. I sent it back and was made a new one....this time the sausage tasted funny. Only to me, Joe said it tasted fine to him. I am starting to suspect that is an early sign of something. I am also extremely irratble and very VERY tired. Also signs that something is up. I needed to make sure to blog all of this because I want to remember. I want to know how I felt when I found out we were expecting our second precious little baby. I don't know for sure yet, but I don't want to take any chances and Forget any of this. This may be a little bit too much information for some :) but hey, I write this for me, not you....well kind of for you too but anyway don't say I didn't warn you. I don't plan on leaving any details out throughout this possible pregnancy so prepare for the ride! So now you are all on the same page as I am.... Let's hope for the best together. I promise I will not be extremely disappointed if it doesn't happen right now, we will have plenty of time to try again when joe returns from overseas. But still, please pray...

Excuse me while I hold my breath for a month...

Adrianna and I have had a blast in Tampa. We went to Busch Gardens, the beach, the pool in our apartment complex, Disney World twice and Adrianna even got to go to Gymboree a few times. I needed to occupy her and get her some socialization while we were here so I signed her up for one month of Gymboree classes and she loved it! We plan on sticking with Little Gym when we get back to Massachusetts but I really enjoyed this class. The teachers make all the difference and ours was amazing! We met some of Joe's coworkers while in Tampa and we have had a few outings together which have been fun. Everyone here is so nice, not just his coworkers but EVERYONE! I am a northerner myself, New Yorker to be exact, and I know we have a stigma for being rude. I always notice it when we go down south and I have to say I love southern hospitality! Even though Tampa isn't really "the south" but it is geographically south. I love being around genuinely nice people that hold doors open for you, say "have a blessed day" at the base gate, wave even if they don't know you...yea Massachusetts does not have many people like that. Even at the McDonald's drive thru I felt the love. Why can't we all just be nice?? I have to say I will definitly miss this place. I love south Tampa, we hope someday this will be our forever home. Preferably a home overlooking the bay on Bayshore Dr, too much to ask? I hope we can make our dream reality someday but for now I have to say goodbye. Joe leaves for the "big desert" sometime next weekend so Adrianna and I have to say goodbye to him until July :( We plan on distracting ourselves with a visit to Miami to see aunts, uncles and my grandparents but I know I will not stop thinking about his safety every single day until he is back home safe and sound. I am nervous, Joe doesn't seem to be nervous at all. He is a little excited in fact. I know he will be ok, just please join me in praying for him and taking a minute to pray for all those families whose husbands/wives/significant others don't come home. Freedom is most definitely not free.

In the mean time, I will try and enjoy myself. My family is looking forward to spending quality time with Adrianna. She turned 22 months last week. She is almost the big 2! When did this happen?! She can now fully feed herself, say her name when asked, pull her pants up and down and take her shirt and diaper off with no help. Potty training time, I think so! Last week she was babbling away with a complete stranger while we were waiting on line at a ride at Disney. She then stops, points to her butt and says POOP, EWW! She pooped, and had to include it in her conversation. She is hilarious! Always making us laugh.

We will miss you Tampa, it has been fun. The great restaurants, the beautiful Clearwater Beach, the close proximity to Disney, we will miss it all. We had a great month of enjoying each other's company and the company of friends new and old. Our trip back to our first base assignment in Warner Robins, GA was so fun and it was even better to see familiar faces in a never changing familiar town. I had the pleasure of meeting up with an old coworker while her family was vacationing here and we spent a very fun filled day at the beach. Did I mention the beach? I feel like I will miss these gorgeous beaches the most of all. So off to Miami Adrianna and I go, more adventures are sure to be had....all with the anticipation of returning back home and greeting Joe at the airport and slowly reverting back to our normal lives at Happy Hanscom, it is a happy place after all.

Oh and one thing I will not miss about this area, Tampa Bay Rays baseball....the Yankees are the best team in baseball and I don't know that I can go from living in Red Sox nation to Rays nation ;)