Life is good

Every so often I am reminded about how precious the little things are in life. Like the dandelions sprouting in the grass as the first signs of spring are approaching, the innocence of a child that tells you the moon is out and tries to jump and touch it ( that was Adrianna). I really think she takes me back to a time where life was just simple. Makes me cherish little moments, cherish every little part of the world around me. Yesterday she had a bug on her and instead I screaming or trying to kill it she says "hi bug." Why that little phrase made me cry I can't say, I blame mommy hormones. She has grown into quite the easy going adorable little 21 (almost 22) month old. She does test my patience daily, but that is her job. And it is my job to learn how to control my emotions and think about the world in her shoes. What it must be like to be her in a world where everyone is always telling you what to do, especially what not to do or touch or play with. Even when those are the things you really want to touch and do and play with. It must be hard to battle having your own mind and opinion with your mommy's opinion on what is right and wrong. Yep, that must explain the tantrums, the screaming, the "NO's!" that is the thought that crosses my mind when I feel my blood boiling and Can sense the puff of smoke rising from my head when she deliberately does what I told her not to do. When I tell her not to squeeze the juice box and she does it anyway with a smile in her face and a look of satisfaction on her face. When I tell her it is nap time ad after an hour of not hearing any noise I think she is sleeping but she is really playing in a pool of her own urine after removing her diaper...with a look of satisfaction on her face. What it must be like to be her. No matter how much I tell her no, or how many time outs I give her (only two in her lifetime so far) she still reaches her little arm out and says "Awwww!" to give me a sideways, pat on the back hug. Even if it is in the middle of me telling her she cannot use the iPhone. She tries to play me with her cuteness. She is one smart little bug, because it works most times. Unconditional love. That is the love a child gives and deserves in return...throughout their entire life.

My brother in law and sister in law just had a baby, Luca Anthony. I drove to destin with Adrianna to meet him and it was worth every mile. He is adorable! I held him, talked to him, smelled him. The nurse came to check him out today while I was in the room and she unwrapped his little swaddle and he started to cry. He cried the whole time practically. I cried with him...I really teared up! I am not even sure why...totally caught me by surprise. His little cry just affected me so much. I couldn't help but think of my precious baby girl just days after her birth. How her little cry, although agonizing in the middle of the night, was like music to my ears. I couldn't get enough of her little cry. I knew she was calling me with it. I long for that again. More than I even think I do, today was proof. But I know I dont need it from her. She is growing up and that is how it should be. It made me think of all the little things though, and Adrianna gives me such a beautiful, new and curious view of the world that I wouldn't trade her to being a newborn again for anything. I miss her as a baby but I love to watch her grow. I grow with her. It is all about the journey. Babies grow, especially when we blink. I just long for a new journey with another little miracle. One that I can share with Adrianna. One that I can experience with my husband. To make him a daddy again would be the best feeling in the world. But in spite of my longing, no matter how discouraged or sad I get, life is good. It will always be good as long as my husband has me and I have him and we have her--our precious baby girl.

21 Months and some things on my mind

Adrianna just turned 21 months. She is still continuing to amaze us daily. It is just so funny to me how resilient children can be. I mean, we took her away from the comfort of her own room, house, crib and comfortable surroundings and brought her down to Florida. I fully expected more of a hardship in the adjustment department from her but I have to say she has not had a hard time at all! I keep hearing from different people that she is the calmest toddler they have ever seen. I can see where they would say that, Adrianna really doesn't fuss much at all when we are out. Even if she doesn't get a nap, she is still extremely good. I am afraid if people keep saying that to me they will jinx me! Or worse yet, our second child will be a terror! I am so thankful Adrianna has the laid back, happy go lucky personality she has...and I hope she never changes. On Sunday, we went out for some breakfast and did a little shopping...which always turns into an all day ordeal. We were suppose to meet up with Joe's coworkers at 2pm so we went straight from having lunch to their house. Adrianna had not napped at all so I was nervous. She did great! Played in the pool, with Joe's boss' children, and even by herself for a long time. She could care less if Joe and I were even there, she is very friendly. She even ate at the 'big kids' table! Joe's boss' daughter was helping to feed Adrianna and it was adorable! I should have taken a picture! No naps, no meltdowns, we left around 8:30pm and she went to bed around 9:30pm without fuss. She is incredible

Adrianna has been speaking a lot more lately. She wakes up and the first thing she is says is "Blues clues!" Or as she pronounces "clue clue." It is adorable. She loves TV. I just read an article about mommy guilt and it, of course, got my mind going about everything I feel guilty about. Adrianna watches TV every day...not just a little bit and it is always on in the background. We listen to music too but educational shows are always on. I am not sure how I feel about the whole TV debate, is it good or bad etc. I personally think TV has helped develop Adrianna's speech. I never let her watch TV with commercials, the last thing I need is for her to get commercials for sugary cereal, barbies and all sorts of ridiculous toys thrown at her every 10 minutes. I am not saying I wont buy them for her, I just don't think that it is good for her to stare at those sort of things. She watches only educational TV...not spongebob, not Phineas and Ferb (but I am not saying it is bad if your child watches that, I just don't like them personally). I think when it comes to raising your child, other moms should realize that everyone makes their own unique choices: whether that be in their style of dress, how they wear their hair, whether or not they work when they have children and how they raise their children. Just because you read a book that says giving a child Mac and Cheese correlates directly with low SAT scores (totally made that up) doesn't mean that it is 100% accurate for every single child. If pediatricians openly say that TV is completely OK that would make those parents that literally sit their children in front of the TV and never engage with their children think they are doing the right thing. I think everything is OK in moderation. MODERATION! I am guilty of feeling defeated when I speak to a fellow SAHM who does not allow a lot of the things I allow Adrianna to partake in. I mean, I have a lot of friends and acquaintances who have rules like no TV, no candy, only organic etc but they are my friends. They never make me feel awful for not following their standards in child rearing. I am talking about women from my mommy and me Little Gym class, or the looks I get when I open the car door and Adrianna is watching TV in the car, or when I give Adrianna a lollipop when we are grocery shopping. I am talking to the moms out there that, instead of understanding that not everyone is like them, make the rest of us feel terrible. Shouldn't we stand together as moms. We all know how hard it is to ALWAYS engage with your child. I know I am not the only one that gets sick and tired of coloring, reading the same book over and over again, or even puts extremely annoying toys away for a few weeks because you start to hear the sounds in your sleep. I still love to play with my daughter, I just know that realistically every mom is not eager to pick up the book TRUCKS and read it for the thousandth time that day. I just wish more moms were honest. I honestly love my baby girl more than words can even express. More than I can even begin to understand. I guess I just wanted to put it out there that I will not judge another mom, no matter what is said to me. I might think, "well that's just nuts" to myself but I will always understand that everyone is different and everyone has a different opinion about raising children. Nothing will surprise me, no not even the story I heard from a mom that kept her baby diaper free from infancy in order to help potty train her faster, she claimed to just 'know' when her baby was going to poop and pee. Really, people do that. But to each his own i guess. This rant stems from a post on Facebook about target coupons on their fan page where a mom basically called me and everyone else horrible for not using cloth diapers. I mean really? I am just so tired of feeling guilty, and no one will ever make me feel that way again. That feeling is optional, meaning you choose to feel guilty and I am choosing not to. I choose to feel the opposite of guilty, whatever that may be. I know Adrianna is healthy, growing, learning and just plain enjoying her little life. I thank Blue's clues for teaching her color recognition, Dora for teaching her a few spanish words, Team Umizoomi for teaching her to count, iPhone Apps for teaching her ABCs and some sight words, and I think my husband and I deserve to be praised for reinforcing all of these things she has learned. Adrianna never ceases to amaze us in what she has learned....I have always said it takes a village to raise a child and this is her "village." I'm sorry this post reads like a rant, I didn't think it would turn so far from speaking of Adrianna's 21 month old milestones but it did. 

Reading...

I am so glad I have gotten back into the habit of reading books again. I finally feel like I have time during the day to sit and read while Adrianna takes her long 3 hour nap. 3 HOURS! I am so spoiled :) I read for half the time and do chores and stuff the other half...it is wonderful. Within the past 3 weeks I read the Hunger Games trilogy and finished book one of 50 Shades of Grey. Hunger Games was amazing! I love books that make me question life and get me thinking about important aspects of our society. It was very well written and the movie was also amazing. I got caught up in the love story as well, so nice to escape into my imagination for a few hours a day. I even stayed up way past my bedtime to finish the books.
Yesterday I finished the first 50 Shades book. I have never been so..umm...moved by a book haha! For those that have read it, you can relate with me when I say I couldn't read this book during the day or in public. Holy cow there is a lot of detailed sex in that book! But besides that, I got very caught up in the 50 Shades of F#*ed up that is Mr. Grey. The psychologist in me was very intrigued and the previous CPS worker in me was investigating the snip-its of scenarios he vaguely describes and was putting the pieces together to figure out his up bringing. I can't wait to read book two. So if anyone is looking for a good read that is not all over the media and in the conversations of too many pre-teens for my liking, check out 50 Shades of Grey.

P.S. My inner goddess is hoping this book is turned into an HBO series... ;)

Sunday I'm in Love

Our first week with Joe in Tampa has been amazing! Adrianna and I got here last Saturday. Our flight was at 6am! Guess Joe couldn't wait all day to see his girls :) We got to Tampa a little after 9am, and started off our weekend with a trip to Waffle House (not as good as the ones in GA) and Busch Gardens. Adrianna had a blast walking around and seeing all of the animals. She even got to go on a kiddie ride all by herself, no adults allowed! (see video above) I was a little skeptical, but she had so much fun on it....she is such a big girl. We spent Sunday relaxing and just enjoying each others company, we missed Joe so much. The work week came way to soon and Joe was off to work his long 12 hour days while Adrianna and I tried to manage to keep ourselves entertained. We don't have a car because Joe needs his rental so thank goodness for a Target, Starbucks and Bayshore Blvd (long walking bridge along the water) within walking distance otherwise we would be very bored. The days flew by and we had a good first week here. Friday Joe got out of work super early and we headed to have early dinner and drinks at Bahama Breeze in Clearwater, FL. I remember going to this restaurant when my aunt lived in Tampa and it is still the best little hangout. Joe let me have one too many glasses of wine, we had a great time. Saturday we went to an Easter egg hunt at the University of South Florida. I have to say, that is the most beautiful college campus I have ever seen! They held an awesome event for the kids and Adrianna got her fair share of Easter eggs. We ended up, last minute, deciding to take a trip to Orlando to meet up with my aunt and uncle who were at Disney World. We didn't take Adrianna to the parks but we plan to in the next few weeks because she was so excited to see Disney and Mickey...she kept screaming that every time we passed a sign or picture, which is a lot when in Orlando :) Sunday was Easter and we had a wonderful dinner with some of Joe's co workers and even an old friend from Hanscom. All in all we have had the best week ever! Yesterday I realized how much I love this area and Joe and I were talking up plans to be here for our next PCS. Even if we don't end up in Tampa, Florida in general would be great. We talked possible house purchasing even...let's hope all works out. Here are some pictures from this week:

I have my closure....

I recieved a phone call a few weeks ago from the doctor that performed my procedure. When I had my d&c it was talked about that the fetus should be tested to find out what caused the miscarriage. This is my second misscarriage and with Adrianna being born so little the doctor wanted to rule out any problems with my ability to carry a child and any possible underlying conditions. Turns out my sweet little baby had what is called Turner Symdrome, where there is either a mutation of an x chromosome or it was missing the x chromosome. This is the most common reason for miscarriage. So I am healthy and perfectly able to carry a child to healthy full term. I am so relieved to have heard this news yet it pains me that I had to hear from the doctor that I would have had another little girl, Turner Symdrome only occurs in girls. This has helped me cope better and has given me the closure that I needed to move on. I will never forget this....forever engraved in my heart and my memory. My two angel babies that are now with our loved ones in heaven. I heard this song today while watching the season finale of 19 kids and counting, Michelle duggar has always amazed me with her patience and ability to deal with hardships with such grace and devotion to god. I really think they are a very blessed family. These lyrics spoke to me and I wanted to share them. It is important for me to write about all things in my life so I can look back someday. I am no longer feeling sad about what happened, I have moved on from that feelin and have decided to be thankful for what i do have. But just a few weeks ago I can say that every word In this song described my feelings exactly.


There were photographs i wanted to take
Thmings i wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?people say that i am brave but i`m not
Truth is i`m barely hanging on
But there`s a greater story
Written long before me
Because he loves you like this

So i will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But i know
That the silence
Has brought me to his voice
And he says

I`ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

"I will carry you" Selah

Still hurting

Im siting at my OB's office waiting to speak to the dr about how I have been feeling since after the procedure, the D&C. It's funny, because I feel the need to blog from my phone...blog about the overwhelming sense of envy I have for the pregnant women sitting all around me. The smell of this place is almost sickening, I really hate this office. I don't think I can ever come back here even when we do get pregnant again. I'm going to have to find a new doctor. I walked in hoping no one would remember me and the ultrasound technician that gave us the awful news looked right at me with sorrow in her eyes....she locked eyes with me for all of 30 seconds and I wanted to turn around and just leave and cry in my car. I forget that I am still hurting, still grieving. I try and be positive all the time because of Adrianna and really because of all of the blessing I have all around me. I have plenty to look forward to in the next few months, but this dream was the most important one of all....and I still have a hard time believing that it is gone. I wonder how many women I sat next to in my OB's office, pregnant and radiating with happiness with Adrianna in my belly, that must have been feeling the same way I do right now. Listening to me and my husband talk nursery an baby names while their hearts literally broke piece by piece with each word heard. I just want to get this check up over with and leave this place, hopefully never to come back. On the hunt for a new OB as soon as possible....

There is always a bright side...

What we have been through has torn my heart into pieces....literally. Every day I have a little twinge of a reminder of that horrible day we went to the doctor and our sweet peanut had no heartbeat. Adrianna and my amazing husband have made this whole process a little less painful. As I pick up the pieces of my heart, and have Adrianna mend them together with her sweet smiles and huge mommy hugs I think of the bright side to all of this. Joe is getting "deployed" to Tampa, FL on Saturday. He will be away for four months, one of those months spent somewhere in Afghanistan. Originally I was suppose to be going with him to the Tampa part of the deployment until we found out we were expecting. Now things have changed and we decided to go on with the plans for Adrianna and I to join him in Tampa for about a month. After the month, I will briefly visit his brother and brother's wife to meet their new little baby boy then head down to Miami and spend a few weeks with my family there. I just feel I can use the time away right now, what better place to be than sunny Florida. The bright side is that I don't have to miss my husband for 4 months...just three :) Adrianna gets to spend time with family she hardly gets to see: bright side. I get more time to enjoy Adrianna all to myself before adding to our family: BIG bright side. So see, we are hopeful for what the future will bring. I am slowly healing, both emotionally and physically. Joe admittedly has had a little bit of a hard time dealing with our loss, he chose not to make it as obvious in order to help me be stronger...it really helped and we both were able to have a good cry and talk about all of this. We are planning to have another soon, just leaving it up to god to choose when to bless us again. One thing I learned through this is that everything that happens, happens for a reason. I may not see it right away, but in the grand scheme of things it is for the better. Everything that happens in your life, good or bad, affects you and changes you. This has changed me. I have a greater appreciation for the miracle that was my pregnancy and the birth of my daughter....if that is even possible since I was already so grateful and knew how much of a miracle having a baby is. I have a greater appreciation for life, life is not guaranteed. My little peanut, although I knew him/her for such a short time, taught me more lessons than I can even begin to write about. Joe, Adrianna and I have so much support from friends and family. More than we even knew about. For all of those things mentioned I am glad for having been pregnant yet it pains me to have had it taken away too soon. I am ready to be a mom again, to smell the newborn baby smell, to feel the kicks within. God has a plan way better than anything Joe and I could plan. I just have to be patient....and that is what I am doing. Thank you to all who have shared their stories of loss with me and for those that have prayed. Thank you to our good friends Erin and Alex for cooking dinner for us, watching Adrianna for us and for helping me forget for even a few hours how horrible I felt...how much it hurt my heart. We had a fairly normal weekend that horrible week thanks to them. You all made me feel better....made me begin to find my normal again and move on. We had a great weekend this weekend with family at the Poconos. I can't say lots of wine didn't help, because it did. Very much so. And my Vodka Tonics and Vodka Cranberry, can't forget those. I hot-tubbed, smoked a few cigarettes (which I quit doing a long long long time ago), ate seafood and drank....for some reason doing things I knew I couldn't do with a pregnancy helped me cope. I can honestly say I feel like I am a new person. I woke up with energy this morning and was so happy to have it. I am ready to move on, to continue to heal and to embrace the "bright side" of all of this. I won't be keeping our journey to a family of four a secret on my blog, so you all will know when I know.