The first year..

"It was the best of times,
it was the worst of times,
it was the age of wisdom,
it was the age of foolishness,
it was the epoch of belief,
it was the epoch of incredulity,
it was the season of Light,
it was the season of Darkness,
it was the spring of hope,
it was the winter of despair..."

This quote, from one of my favorite classic books, just seems appropriate for how this first year went, ha! In a blink of an eye my babies turned 1. I feel like the luckiest mom alive to have had this year with them. So full of life, so happy, so innocent...even with multiple night time wake ups and countless needs for day time cuddles. I used to think my heart would never be big enough to give love for two babies at the same time on top of the love I have for Adrianna. I was wrong. I don't think I can really put into words the love I have for Victoria and Isabella. Such a different love for each of my girls. each of them teaching me a different lesson in motherhood, each showing me love in their own way. Apparently my arms were also wide enough to feed them both at the same time while giving Adrianna attention as well. Multitasking has taken on a whole new meaning this past year. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I have to admit, one of the hardest things about being a mom of twins is the amount you miss out on. I can't remember the last time I had a baby fall asleep on my chest, or when I would just stare at them sleeping. I barely had one on one time with each one. It was a guilt I had to fight through. I feel like they got as much of me as I could possibly give. They are happy, they love me and that is all that matters. What a difference from Adrianna! I did everything with Adrianna when she was a baby! We went to mommy and me classes, went out to lunch, ran errands together, had random park trips, took naps on my couch together, she watched me cook and was my taste tester most night, it was amazing! I am so grateful that I was able to experience that as a first time mom. At the same time, I feel like I grew as a mother with the twins. Sure we can't do mommy and me classes, but very few people can say they have felt their heart fill with joy (more than joy) when they hear their sweet twin babies (or more if you are blessed with triplets etc) talking to each other and laughing over the video monitor first thing in the morning. They follow each other, do the same things, and sure they fight over toys but it is still cute (for now). My family and friends have enjoyed watching in awe as I tackle motherhood with 3 under 3, 2 of which are twins. I have been asked plenty of times how I do it, how I survive. My answer, every day is a new challenge with some extreme cuteness sprinkled in between that makes the hard times doable. 

Victoria, you have quite a personality. You are spunky, funny, social and attached to my hip! You have learned so much, and are currently taking your first steps. You are not cautious at all! You do and think later. I love that about you. It will hopefully mean that as you get older you will tackle life without fear. I will have to teach you to think of the consequences of your actions I am assuming...which may be a challenge. I am just glad you are you and I love you with all of my heart and soul! 

Isabella, my sweet Bella. You are hard HEADED! You don't take no for an answer! But it is so hard to say no to that sweet little innocent face. You are curious of the world around you and want to explore it all! You are a little more cautious, which is a good thing. You take your time doing things. For example, I know you can say plenty of words, I have heard you say mama, dada, ball, dog, go, but you refuse to say them on demand. You will choose when you want to say them, everything is on your own agenda. You are trying to walk but haven't taken any steps yet. You get way too excited when you stand which causes you to drop to your knees because you crawl with lightning speed! Who needs walking? Ha! You are beautiful, pensive and independent. You adore Adrianna and love to chase her around the house, both of you crawling of course.

My favorite thing about both of you is that no matter what you are doing, when you see daddy on facetime (he travels oh so much) or when he gets home your faces light up and you get so very excited! You have started to call him Joe, just like Adrianna (we are working on getting the daddy thing down) and it is cute! Though daddy would love to be referred to as daddy eventually. You both have lots of teeth and love to cuddle with mommy. I need to make more time to cuddle. I have to say I am not a cuddler, but I have gotten better at making time to do so. 

Thank you, by the way, for being amazing eaters and sleepers. Sure you have the occasional food you hate and nights you wake up in need of a little rocking but those are far and few between. You are up at 7, nap at 10-11:30, then again at 1:30-3:30 and are down at 7pm like clockwork. All on your own too! You feed yourselves, I just cut up food for you and place it on your trays and you are happily eating away. I am so lucky. 

I still don't know what I did to deserve such great children. Adrianna is the best big sister ever. Sure she has her own issues, 4 year olds are tiny teenagers I am convinced, but she is amazing. The love she has for you both makes my love for all of you grow with fury. This was the toughest, exciting, exhausting, challenging, best year I have ever had...EVER! But I wouldn't change a thing. Here's to all the new experiences and challenges of this coming year! Something tells me the fun has only just begun.

6 Months: A Letter to My Babies

Victoria and Isabella,

How is it possible that it has been a whole 6 months since your birth? Time really does fly. I don't even know how to express how amazing (and crazy) these 6 months have been. We moved, we adjusted to new surroundings, we made new friends, we laughed and we cried...a lot. I love that I have gotten to see your individual personalities develop.

Isabella, you are such a little angel. Not that your sister is not, but let's just say that if it weren't for you mommy would be just a tad bit more stressed :) You are entertained by anything, only cry when hungry and you LOVE to talk to me. I love it when I hold you in my arms and you caress my face with your tiny fingers, as if you are learning my face. You have the biggest smile I have ever seen! And you love to explore anything within arms reach. You will knock anything down that is next to you or grab things and put them in your mouth. You love your milk, and you like eating baby food but you prefer your milk for sure. We have tried giving you some table foods and you are not into the tough texture, though yesterday you devoured a spoonful of mashed potatoes and broccoli...I guess you like mommy's cooking :) I am so blessed to have you as a daughter baby girl. You may have to share me but know that my heart loves you and your sisters equally. You make my life complete. But please, one request, enough with the diaper blowouts! Yuck! <3

Victoria, you are special. If nothing else, you teach me how to be a better mother. You keep me on my toes for sure. You just hate being away from me! You must love me sooooo much. I am not going to sugar coat it, you are difficult to handle at times. I know you know that. But you know what? I could not imagine my life without you. You teach me how to multitask, how to cater to different needs, how to show affection even when you are stressed to the max, you really are my "welcome to reality" child. I love how your big eyes explore everyone's face. You give a good "mean mug" when you don't know someone. You give the same look to me when you are not happy with me. And baby girl, you can EAT! Holy cow! You love it all! I feed you everything, table foods, baby foods, water, your milk, crackers, everything! My favorite thing to do with you is sit you up and watch you get so excited when you see your feet. Sweetest thing ever! You are so beautiful, my chunky little baby. I love you so much and I know that I will miss all of our cuddle time soon so I will try not to complain much :) And please, stop growing so fast! You are so ahead of where you should be and I feel like you will walk before you crawl!

I treasure every moment with you both. I love harder because of you both. I drink more wine because of you both. I am a stronger mom and wife because of you both.

I don't have any dates for the new things you both do, so bad I know. with your sister Adrianna I wrote everything down. You both roll from back to belly and belly to back, can balance sitting up, makes noises to get our attention, love to laugh with your older sister, play and hold hands with each other, and almost get on your knees when on your belly and Vicky you can actually hold on to the couch standing if I make you do it. I am so proud of how far you both have come. You both are growing so well and I cannot be more thankful that you are healthy. Mommy and Daddy love you both to the moon and back!

Life After Twins: 4 Month

Last I left you all I was begging to give birth to these precious babies. I couldn't take one more second of being pregnant. I was induced and gave birth to the most beautiful babies on June 6, 2013 on 8:11pm and 8:20pm. Twins. I remember when I found out I was going to have twins. It was the most special I have felt ever in my life. I was one of the few. Unique (but not really, many people I knew have twins or triplets...Shirley) ;) I just loved every second of it. I was so beyond happy. I had lost 3 precious angel babies to miscarriage so I felt I was given a second chance at having the big family I always dreamed of. O went through many emotions during those 6 months. Fear, excitement, anxiousness, excitement again, agony, fear, FEAR, and then relief. Relief when I held my babies for the first time. It was literally love at first sight, twice. Did you know that when you have twins you almost have an outer body experience? Really! I almost couldn't believe what was happening. I was in the NICU and was being told how beautiful my baby was then I was AGAIN told how beautiful my OTHER baby was. It was so hard to wrap my head around. Two beautiful and perfect baby girls here in this NICU and both were mine. How? I will never know. I am afraid to question. Through all of the difficult weeks in the NICU both of my babies were reunited after 30 days at home with us where they belonged. My 3 year old was so confused after having her momma gone for so long and visiting sisters that really to her barely existed because they didn't live in her every day life. Then we moved. Military life moved us from Massachusetts to Virgina. 9 years as an Air Force spouse and this was by far the most difficult move ever. It took about 3 weeks to settle into our most amazing house in Virginia and we love it. Fast forward to many long nights, doctor visits, crying (me and the babies) and sending my 3 year old to preschool and you will be here, today. 4 months have gone by since the day I gave my final push and gave life to Isabella, the last baby (maybe) I will push out. It almost seems surreal that I have been living a life with 3 beautiful girls for so long. But I am here to tell you about some things I have learned being a twin mom. Know that I am so thankful and grateful every single day of my and their existence but it is not rainbows and butterflies. Here is a snip it of my life as I tell it.

So, the move was horrible. I cried. The babies cried. Adrianna cried. I remember only certain things. The mind is really good at erasing the most difficult times. I remember when Victoria would not ever sleep for more than an hour. I love my husband but I remember, vividly, How soundly he slept through the crying and how I envisioned every possible way to literally smother him in his sleep. I remember how he would wake the next morning and claim he got no sleep and how I thought I would really kill him. KILL HIM! I remember when Isabella would not eat. How she would just not suck hard enough to get any formula and I would just sob and beg her to eat. I remember how Victoria would poop blood and I would will her to stop and just be ok. After many doctor visits I was told her body had to get rid of the irritation in her bowels. It was stressful and awful. She projectile vomited often and many times all over herself and car seat while we were en route to Virginia. Again, I would remember planning out a murder while my husband would ask me why I was so stressed out during this move. Bless that man, he did not know any better. Hormones plagued me hard and I am aware of that now...not so much then.

The whirlwind of feeding and learning the personalities hit me hard. I am never going to forget the days I would just stare at Victoria screaming, begging me to hold her and stare at Isabella, content in her bouncy seat putting herself to sleep. I spent many days bouncing and rocking Vicky and, what I saw as, ignoring Bella. Poor Bella. She slept in bed with us because i didn't hold her all day long. Poor Adrianna, my 3 year old who also needed her momma. We quickly realized that Adrianna just needed to go to preschool in order to get more than what I cold give her. I was so unsure. I was unsure of everything I was doing. I had my mom helping me daily but it does not make my days simple, it helps me juggle the crazy. And I can't ever repay her for what she has done. Learning to feed, crying, poop, impossible trips to run errands. This was my life. I hid the stress. Posting on facebook "oh I love getting my hair done, my nails look so pretty, I heart relaxing summer nights." I was so stressed during the day. I did do those things but never relaxed. I am still not relaxed. Confession: I love when people call me super mom. Couldn't be further from the truth. I can't stop. It isn't that I can do all of these things it is that I can't stop doing everything. The only constant in all of the craziness? HAPPINESS. I am truly happy. Really. I will tell you why.

The twins are now 4 months old. Bella has deep conversations with me. Babbling and baby talk that mean more to me than anything. Vicky looks for me when I speak and instantly shoots me a smile. Adrianna asks me to give her a big squeeze every time I drop her off to preschool and when she isn't in school she randomly will ask to give me 24 kisses. It melts me. My husband is still a guy. But watching him let Adrianna do his hair, pretend paint his nails and dance with her because she calls him her prince....that man is more than I can ever have dreamed of. Perfect for me. I would have been sad if I killed him, hahaha. The way he talks back to Bella's babble and how he makes Vicky's eyes light up lets me know that he is perfect for them too. Adrianna, her daddy is her hero. She tells me every time we talk about what daddy does as his job. And I can say, these past 4 months, no matter how difficult have been the best 4 months I have ever had. Period. I am so fulfilled, so blessed. Gag all you want, I cannot lie.

What did I do?

I was getting ready for a fun lunch with a friend and was going out with all three kids by myself. Pretty fool proof right?? Adrianna was climbing into her car seat and before she could get into the car came running to me screaming "momma momma!" I thought there was a bug or something. She said the dreaded words. The words I would never want to hear from my sweet little innocent three year old. She said.....brace yourselves.... "Momma! It's ONE DIRECTION! I love this song! (Toddler jabber) best song ever!" What?? Oh god. What did I do wrong here? Someone help me! How do I get her as excited for, say, Dave Matthews or John Mayer. No, instead she has to be obsessed with One direction. I have my lovely cousin to thank for that...you know who you are. We went to build a bear and I had her spend her birthday money on making a bear. I tried my damnedest to have her pick any other sound in her bear. Call me maybe, I love you, an annoying lullabye sound, but no. She chose one direction. So now I have to hear "you don't know you're beautiful" a thousand times a day. No it isn't cute. She wouldn't stop pressing the button when we were in the store. She would dance, she kept saying she loved it in the car. Someone help me please. Does it start this young? Because if I have to start buying 1D shit I might go crazy. Aunt Jo, I know you are reading this. No it wouldn't be cute to foster this obsession, don't you dare buy her any one direction gear. Please! Haha! I have a threenager on my hands and I would love to not see a preview of what preteen years will be like. Whatever happened to Barney songs? Mickey Mouse clubhouse? Even fresh beat band would be better. Lord help me...

NICU

Quickly after I delivered the twins (though not as quickly as when I delivered Adrianna since the twins were further along) the twins were sent to the NICU. While I recovered, the nurse took the girls to the NICU but stopped in the hallway quickly so Adrianna and my mom and inlaws could meet them. It was so sweet of her to do that! My OB even went to check on my mom who wanted so badly to see the twins being born. She gave my mom a huge hug and told her that I was ok. Seriously, best OB EVER! About 2 hours went by before I was ready to be wheeled to the NICU to snuggle my baby girls. Adrianna and everyone else went home, I was in recovery waiting for the feeling to come back in my lower body. I didn't completely get all feeling back, I lied to the nurse. I just really wanted to see the girls.
I hobbled down the hall and caught my first glimpse of Bella. She was gorgeous! Wrapped up tight in her hospital blanket, and warm with her little hospital hat. These two items are my favorite. Seems no matter how long it has been since they first wore it their smell is forever embedded in the fibers. Adrianna's still smells like her when she was born...it brings back an influx of memories with every whiff. I held Isabella tightly and just watched her look into my eyes, studying me and memorizing my face. It always takes me a day or so to really connect with my babies. With Adrianna I was in so much shock that she had been born, so little and 5 weeks early, that it really was a few days before I really felt a bond. I loved her, would give my life for her from the instant i delivered her but the bond takes a few days I feel. No one tells you that. I already knew that this time around so I didn't feel horrible when the last thing I wanted to do was breastfeed them. I really wanted to hold, snuggle and smell their baby smell then I wanted to sleep! The nurse that night made me breastfeed though. It didn't feel right. I just wasn't into it. I gave it my best shot but I wish they would have listened to me when I said I needed to get rest. It had been a very long day and after 6 weeks of bed rest in the hospital my body was not in any condition to give birth...it was so very weak. I tried to breastfeed Isabella and she latched right away but quickly fell asleep and did not want to latch anymore. The nurse insisted I keep trying and I was literally falling asleep in the chair bobbing my head. It was torture. I know it sounds like a terrible thing to say but I kept insisting that I wanted to pump and get rest. Needless to say, my first experience with the girls in the NICU was not as joyful as I had hoped. The same happened when I saw Vicky for the first time. It just killed the whole experience for me.
I was in the NICU for over an hour and finally went to bed. I was woken up after only sleeping for 2 hours and told that the girls were crying and needed to breastfeed. Again, I said that I was going to pump because I needed to sleep yet the nurse insisted I breastfeed....made me feel terrible for even trying to avoid it all together. Shouldn't BFing be something that comes from me? Something that I feel inclined to do? I tried with both of the girls again and nothing. I was completely exhausted at this point....I was at the verge of tears. In fact, I remember going back to the room and just crying myself to sleep. Joe understood my frustration and he was upset he couldn't do much to help me. I was not bothered at all for 4 hours straight after that, and felt so much better the next day. I showered at 6am and first thing I wanted to do was see my babies. I went straight to the NICU and was greeted by a kind new face. The nurse that day was a lactation consultant and we spoke about the night before. She told me that there was nothing wrong with my feeling the way I did and that it was completely normal. Made me feel so good. She asked if I wanted to try to BF again, but def did not pressure me into it. This time, it came naturally from me and I had the urge to feed my babies. I started with Vicky, she was great at suckling but did not latch very well, ouch! She was able to get a couple of drops after I used a nipple shield. For 2 days straight I was able to latch Vicky with a nipple shield and she was able to get a tiny bit of breast milk. It felt amazing! I did pump and bottle feed as well and they both were also supplemented with formula because of their low blood sugar and low birth weights. Isabella had a harder time with suckling but had the best latch. She was just lazy and would get tired out very quickly. By the 3rd day of their lives, they were both showing their different personalities. Victoria was my crier (still is). She was always screaming and letting everyone know she was there. Boy is her cry loud! She was eating great, both from latching and from what I pumped by bottle and formula as well. Her only issue was maintaining her body temperature. She was put in an isolete where the temp was set very warm and every few days the temp in the isolete was lowered until it reached room temperature then if she was able to maintain her body temp then she would be taken out of the isolete. Before I could take her home she had to be eating well, maintain body temp and get back to her birth weight. Isabella was not eating as well. She was having to be fed with a syringe. She would not suckle on the bottle or breast as well. She was not eating the amount she needed to be eating. For them both, their minimum feed had to be 7-10 mls. Such a tiny amount. Isabella was given a feeding tube that day. She was also in an isolete because she had jaundice. In order for me to bring her home she had to be feeding her minimum feed without a feeding tube for 48 hours and had to be jaundice free.
I had never been happier! They were both so perfect and doing fairly well for how little they were. They were my miracles. I loved them so much! It really didn't take long before I felt that strong bond and connection with them. I was still so very sore and tired. My body was not feeling well after birth. I knew I had to take it easy, but how could I when all I wanted to do was be with my babies! Adrianna was doing well handling being a big sister. She really wasn't interested in doing much with the babies, it must have been so strange for her having her sisters hooked up to monitors, having her mommy in the hospital so long. I can't imagine.
I was eventually discharged from the hospital and I couldn't have been happier! I packed my things, fed the babies, got in my car and we all headed to cheesecake factory to celebrate my finally leaving the hospital. This was my first real meal and the first meal I could actually finish without throwing up (I had run out of room in my belly towards the end of the pregnancy). I was still hurting, and I had the worst hip and pubic bone pain ever! It was terrible. So bad that my OB prescribed me Percoset. Still, every day I went to the NICU to feed my babies. Once in the morning and another at 8pm after Adrianna's bed time. Most days I could barely get out of the car. One time I went by myself and had to pull over because I had a gall bladder attack (found out during my stint at Tufts that I had gall stones caused by the pregnancy). I couldn't move or breath in and I threw up bile on the side of the road. Horrible. After 20 min it passed and I continued on to the hospital. I was determined and I thought I was superwoman....nothing could stop me! Day 7 came and we were told Victoria was ready to come home! We were so excited! We ate breakfast and went to the hospital at around 8am. By 9am she was ready to be discharged. She passed her car seat test, had all of her leads and wires removed and we changed her into her coming home outfit. Then it happened. She pooped, and it was all blood. Soaked the diaper in blood. The doctor came over and told us she was not going home. She needed to be observed some more. We were no stranger to bloody poops, Adrianna had them too when she was a newborn. We knew that there would be formula changes, no more breast milk and possibly a stint at Boston Children's Hospital. At the same time, Isabella actually finished a whole feeding without a feeding tube! We knew there was a chance that Isabella would be coming home soon and Victoria would spend more time in the NICU. And that is exactly how it happened. Victoria was transported to Children's that afternoon, we went straight there and spent the night with her there. She was given the diagnosis of NEC (necrotizing enterocolitis). In the most extreme form, there would be a fast need for surgery to fix a perforated intestine. In Vicky's case, her intestine was ok but the presence of blood in her poop and signs of infection in her bloodwork caused the doctors to treat her for medical NEC in which the infection is treated and there is no need for surgery. She was on no feeds until a 7 day round of antibiotics was completed then she would slowly be reintroduced to an elimental formula, likely Neocate. We made the difficult decision at that time to stop offering breast milk to both Vicky and Bella. I would have had to eliminate all dairy from my diet, and with us moving shortly after their birth this was an impossible task. I was not ready to go down that route. We decided to stop offering breast milk to Isabella as well because since both Adrianna and Victoria presented with this NEC issue we did not want to risk Bella getting sick as well. It was hard on me. I had so much guilt. I felt terrible for Vicky and more so for Bella. We quickly started building up our supply of formula for Bella, she was and still is on Enfamil Enfacare. She was on Neocate in the hospital until discharge just in case she developed the same issue.
Bella was ready to come home 5 days after Vicky went to Children's. She passed her car seat test, leads were removed and we put her in our car and brought her home. I got my first baby snuggles with her without any wires or nurses and it was wonderful. We snuggled on the couch for hours. She was a doll at night as well. She woke uo every three hours to eat and slept soundly in between feeds. It was a piece of cake to have one baby home and taking care of Adrianna. At night, at 8pm after we put Adrianna to bed, we would drive into Boston to visit Vicky. The NICU there is amazing and the nurses were wonderful. We did get frustrated at a point though with the doctors there....more on that in another post.
Regardless of all of the hardships we went through in a short period of time, we were so happy. I could not have been happier that my babies were here. Bella was at home with me, Vicky was getting better and I was feeling good. Then we got upset at the way things were going for Vicky. I will post about that later.

Birth Story

It has been a long 8 weeks since the birth of the twins. I can't even believe 8 whole weeks has gone by! Last I left off, I was awaiting my induction. Here is how it went down:

I was supposed to be induced on June 5th. That morning I woke up, showered and got ready. Mind you, I was in the hospital already so I was so anxious! Joe stayed with me overnight so he was there in the morning with me. We talked about how excited we were, how our lives would never be the same after today. I wasn't sure when I would be going in for my induction, the nurse had said to be ready by 7am. 7 came and went and I had not heard anything yet. The nurse came in around 9am and ssaid that I would be taken to labor and delivery shortly. My heart was racing, I almost cried. Two hours went by and still I was waiting to be taken in for my induction. The nurse came back and said there were a couple of emergencies so I would have to wait a bit longer. A few more hours went by and the nurse came by again to tell me I had been delayed. Apparently 3 twin pregnancies were being delivered at that moment, two c-sections and an emergency c-section. I needed to be delivered in an operating room just in case I needed a c-section and there were none available at the time. Needless to say, at around 4 or so I was told I was not going to be induced that day. I am not quite sure looking back at it now why I was so upset. I cried and cried and cried. I was so ready to be done being pregnant and to meet my babies. Joe was furious. My OB was so sweet and stopped by right after she was done seeing patients at the office to tell me how sorry she was. She felt awful that I was delayed. We planned to be induced the next day and if I was delayed again I was scheduled for a c-section at 5pm. Joe went home and packed a bag, got a few essentials, brought Adrianna in to see me and took her back home later that night. He came back to stay the night with me in case we were told we had to go over to L&D early. The next morning I took my time. I rolled out of bed (literally rolled) at 6:30am. Showered and got ready, no makeup or anything like the day before. I was just about to turn on the news when the nurse came in with a wheel chair and said that L&D was ready for me! Oh the JOY!! I was wheeled over, prepped, given an IV and started on pitocin at 8:30am. By 11am I was starting to have light contractions but nothing painful. I was checked for dilation, remember I was already 5-6cm from the start (preterm labor at 30 weeks got me a 6 week stay at the hospital on bed rest), I was still the same. At around 1pm the pitocin was already at half of the max amount. I was progressing pretty quickly, contraction 3-5 min. Then my OB came in to talk to me. She felt horrible because she had a surgical procedure to do in the GYN dept at the hospital and she wouldn't be done until 6 or so. She had to stop my pitocin. I was a little disappointed but at least I was able to eat. I had the best grilled cheese sandwich for lunch, it was delicious! Because of my gestational diabetes, my blood sugar was checked every hour, my poor fingers. The last meal I could have was at 3pm just in case I needed a c-section. No food 3 hours before potential surgery. We waited and waited. Joe's parents arrived, my mom and Adrianna were already with me. Adrianna got to spend most of the day hanging out with me in the delivery room which was so nice. My mom was also there with me this time, she missed Adrianna's birth so she made sure to not leave my side this time. Joe's parents and his brother Kevin went to go grab some dinner and took Adrianna with them at around 5:30pm, at that time my pitocin was started up again. My OB came in at around 7pm (I know longest day ever!) to check me. She asked if I wanted an epidural and my answer was HELL YEA! I was not going to let them break my waters without it. I remember with Adrianna, after my water was broken labor was strong and fast and I barely had time for an epidural. It actually didn't work with her birth. I was having stronger contractions now, I could barely speak during them. The epidural was pretty painful to get. I felt lots of pinching and pressure. After it was put in, I asked when I would stop feeling pain....because the contraction were VERY painful at this time. It took 3 contractions, by the third I couldn't feel a thing and it was FABULOUS! I heart epidurals. 7:45pm and my OB breaks my waters. Joe goes in to use the restroom and within 5 min Victoria's heart rate dips dramatically. It was all a blur, the nurse was screaming for my OB down the hall, was was being unplugged and hooked up to a bunch of different things and given oxygen. I remember saying that I was sure Victoria was coming down because I could feel pressure. When my OB checked me I was fully dilated. So that is 6-7cm to 10cm in a matter of 5min after breaking my water...that has to be some kind of record somewhere. After I was given oxygen Victoria's heart rate went back up. I was then wheeled to the operating room where I would deliver, just in case I needed a c-section. Joe was allowed in the room in full scrubs only but no one else was allowed in. The room was a very cold and cramped space. there were 9 different people there 2 L&D nurses, one for each baby, an ultrasound tech, the anestisiologist, my OB and NICU staff. It was hectic. To make matters even more hectic Victoria's heart rate dropped yet again. I was told to focus on breathing and to start pushing when I felt pressure. At 8:09pm I began pushing Victoria Rose out and she was born at 8:12pm!  A healthy 3 lbs 15 oz! It was such a relief, her first cry was magical to hear! The ultrasound tech scanned me to make sure Isabella was head down and she was. My OB pushed on my stomach to get Isabella to come down more, she was way up by my ribs. I remember my OB saying that my body had to re-dilate to deliver Isabella. Crazy right?! Well 8 minutes later I began pushing again and in 2 pushes out came Isabella Sofia! 8:20pm and a healthy 4 lb 1 oz bundle of cuteness! Her cry was also magical. I was holding VIctoria while they worked on cleaning off Isabella. 8 and 9 APGAR scores, simply amazing! First question I asked my OB was if I tore? Sorry for being so graphic but this was my biggest fear, I did not want stitches! And I didn't get any! YAY! After taking pictures, (Joe actually got some of Isabella crowning, pretty interesting) the girls were sent to the NICU and I went back to the L&D room to recover. I was greeted by my mom, inlaws, and Adrianna who I hugged soooo tightly. It was one of the best days of my life. Having children is such a miracle. It was just as magical as I remembered with Adrianna. I love my three girls! Next post I'll talk about the NICU stay and what happened in the 13 days Isabella spent there and the 30 days Victoria spent there.

Help and Support

Lets talk about support. I have been in the hospital now for 4 weeks straight! In those 4 weeks I have never received more offers of help in my life! Between my military family, most of which I barely know very well, offering to care for my daughter and come to the hospital to keep me company to my parents and Joe's parents dropping everything to come to my house and help clean and maintain it and care for Adrianna (and feed my husband). I am so very lucky to have such a great support system. Some of my friends have even come to the hospital just to chat for a few hours, how nice to have regular girl talk :)

Anyway, as my time being pregnant comes close to ending I have started to think about what life will be like with 3 kids 3 and under....two of which will be newborns. I am never one that likes to ask for help. I actually really hate asking for help unless I really need to, emergency situations and such. I am pretty sure that is why I ended up on hospital bed rest, I didn't ask for help nor did I listen to my body when it would tell me to slow down. I would go food shopping and think "it should be fine to carry all of these bags in myself, it is only a few steps away." You guys, I even carried cases of water 2 weeks before going into preterm labor! That did happen, and I should have never done that. We wont talk about other things I did throughout my pregnancy because, well...my OB has a facebook and I am afraid she will read this ;). Point is, I should have asked for or accepted help when offered. As moms, I feel like we grade ourselves on that kind of shit, "I raised 4 kids and I never needed help and I home-schooled, home birthed and my kids never watch TV and I still nurse my toddler who latched on from the moment they were born." Just because I don't do these things doesn't mean I am less of a mother. I am perfectly perfect for my kids and my husband.  I have learned the hard way that help is nothing to be ashamed of. I am making it a point to accept help once the twinkies (I'm back to calling them twinkies, I am not mad at them anymore for misbehaving lol) arrive. My mom has been with Adrianna for about 4 weeks while I have been in the hospital and my MIL is here for about 1 week to give my mom a break. Once the twinkies are here, my mom will be back for maybe a week or so then it is just Joe and I until June 26th....then my 16 y/o cousin is coming in from out of town to be the relief. She will be helping me with everything, mainly keeping Adrianna company while we are tending to the twinkies and prepping our house for the move to VA in the middle of July. I am so glad to have all of this help. I am sure if we need my MIL or mother at any point they will gladly drop what they are doing and come our way. I don't anticipate needing meals made or anything like my wonderful military community likes to do, but I will not be turning away any form of help. I am done feeling bad for looking "weak" because I can't be supermom and handle it all on my own. This includes my feelings after birth.

With Adrianna, I had more than just the baby blues. I was down right depressed for a period of time. I did a great job faking it, but I had never felt more alone than I did during her first 6 months or so. I would cry throughout the day, had no motivation to do anything (I would force myself to tidy up the house but I never really went anywhere for 3-4 months), I couldn't sleep at night because I thought for sure Adrianna would stop breathing if I wasn't alert and attentive to her. It was miserable. Once she hit about 5-6 months I did some research and found a mommy and me gym class called Little Gym and it was seriously my saving grace! For the first time as a new mom I interacted with other new moms going through the same hardships of raising a newborn, it was fantastic. I will never forget the first time I brought Adrianna to a restaurant for lunch by myself. She was about 6.5 months old and it was after a little gym class, we went to Panera together and I juggled pushing the stroller around people and tables and getting my food/finding a table. It was hard and exhausting but felt so good once I settled in. Since that day, I began taking Adrianna out to run errands with me. They weren't always smooth, she once threw up EVERYWHERE at a Starbucks, pooped all up her back and on a shopping cart at a Target, I mean it was hard! But it felt good when I was able to accomplish what I need to during the day all while juggling a baby. Now, I am faced with twins. Will I have the same feelings again? Am I going to cry all day long, be stuck at home or stay up all night obsessing over their breathing? Chances are, that may happen again. I don't want it to but it probably will. I have had so much anxiety throughout this whole pregnancy. Now during my hospital stay I have the worst thoughts run through my mind...scary morbid thoughts. What if I die during labor, how will Adrianna handle not having me around forever? What if one of the babies die, will Adrianna keep asking for the other baby because she is so used to there being two babies in my belly? Will one be sick? Will one have Downs? Are the nurses sure they are getting two different babies when they check the heartbeats every night? Why do I think this way??? It is so frustrating because I feel out of control when these thoughts enter my mind, I feel like I can't breath or I just cry myself to sleep. It isn't healthy. So I suspect I will be just as anxious when the twinkies are home with me. Difference is, I will NOT be afraid to ask for help. I will tell the pediatrician the truth when she asks me how I am feeling (she would ask me multiple times whenever I brought Adrianna in to see her and I would lie every time). I will be honest with my OB when asked how I am handling things. I will talk to my husband more about these feelings and not try to hide them, there is nothing to be ashamed of. I hope I can resolve these feelings without medication. I hope that once the babies I will be so over the moon happy there will be no room for these crazy irrational thoughts and feelings. I will be paying more attention to caring for myself as well as them though, healthy me equals better mommy for them, all 3 of my babies :)

BTW, eviction date for the twinkies....JUNE 5TH!!

Still Here....Preterm Labor Day 20

Still pregnant. And I suppose I should be happy about that. I am, but my being stuck in this hospital is altering my thoughts on this. I don't know what it is about being stuck in the hospital that makes you think delusional things, like it would totally ok for your baby(ies) to be born at 31 weeks because technology and modern medicine can keep them healthy. I might sound like a horrible mom when I, at this very moment, pray that my water breaks and we can just get the ball rolling with this labor and delivery thing...at 33 weeks gestation that I am right now. The truth is, I need for my babies to be as healthy as possible which means not delivering until closer to 37 weeks. The ugly truth is that I pray my water breaks every time I go to the bathroom so we can get the ball rolling on this delivery and I can meet my babies and get on with my normal life. Don't call me selfish and don't judge. If you have never been stuck in a hospital in "preterm labor" not able to leave you will never know the agony....if you have gone past your due date you might have an idea of what I am feeling...minus the fact that my babies will be premature and require a NICU stay. Honestly, this blows. I am trying to keep positive but I am slowly losing my mind. I am trying not to give up but I am reaching my breaking point. I woke up this morning though and was surprised to see my belly, not because I forgot I was pregnant but because it was significantly bigger than it was on Monday.

Monday. The smile is fake you guys. I cried in the shower that morning

This morning. See, I'm not kidding you guys! It's not pretty. 

How much more can my poor belly stretch! Actually, I am kind of curious.

Not much has changed since my last update. I am sitting at 33 weeks 5 days (or 6 or 4 depending on who you speak to here) and am still 5-6 cm dilated with absolutely no change whatsoever. Nothing. Not even braxton hicks. My ultrasound this week showed improvement in baby A's fluid levels which is actually fantastic news. I have been worried about her. With her placenta failing and her fluid levels low I was worried something might happen to her. Both babies look fantastic in their non-stress tests, NST, (a test where they strap you up to a monitor, listen and track the fetal heart rates for accels and leveling out during active periods of movement and look for decels or for contractions and reaction to contractions). They have me doing an NST every day to make sure they remain as healthy as possible and they always look fantastic on the monitor. It is reassuring to say the least. My next ultrasound is a growth scan, which they do every two weeks, where they will measure the approximate weights of the babies. I am anxious because if baby A has not grown much, which is likely, they might not let me be pregnant much longer. I am not even sure what to feel. Ready to be done, scared for my tiny little baby, nervous. I don't know. This all goes down this coming Monday so either things will remain the same or I might be blogging some crazy birth story soon. Stay tuned...

10 Things I will NOT miss about pregnancy

I hoped and prayed for this pregnancy. I longed for that positive pregnancy test. As I near the end and get ready to meet the twins soon I can't stop thinking of the things I will not miss about pregnancy, or maybe specifically this pregnancy.

10. Constant peeing. I have had a personal relationship with the toilet and toilet paper since about 10 weeks along. The big difference between this pregnancy and my pregnancy with Adrianna was that I stopped having the urge to pee every hour around the second trimester. I still get up about every half hour now to pee. It's annoying

9. Hunger. Sounds funny but I am tired of being hungry all.the.time. I hate having to cook food for myself 5-6 times a day, not like I make big meals each time but even making a sandwich gets tedious after a while. I always have to make sure I eat before I go anywhere instead of just winging it like I usually do. Annoying

8. Sleep Issues. Whether it is lack of sleep or feeling sleepy, it really interferes with your daily life. Poor Adrianna has to deal with a lethargic mommy all day and poor Joe has to deal with a talkative wife all night because there are very important topics to discuss at 2am...like nursery decor, boiling bottles etc. haha.

7. Waddling. You know, the pregnancy waddle.Even if I don't want to waddle, the pressure I feel on my hips forces me to do so. And most of the time I get the pity look from anyone that watches me waddle while walking with Adrianna...strangers just make an "aww poor you" face and it's awkward.

6. Pubic Bone Pain. I had never experienced this with Adrianna but boy is it painful. Let me explain...the pubic bone is really two bones on each side that meet in the middle and during pregnancy gets soft and ready to separate during child birth. Totally normal. Except for some women, the softening happens too early and the bones are very soft and begin separating a tiny bit way before delivery. The minute I hit 20 weeks this pain began and let me tell you; when you have to brace yourself to walk up stairs, turn over in bed, or even worse put on pants because the pain is unbearable, you long for the days where you felt normal and never had aches like this.

5. Anxiety. I have been nervous about this pregnancy since the moment I found out I was pregnant. It got worse when we found out we were expecting twins. I had a hard time feeling happy about my pregnancy and I tried really hard to enjoy this special time. I would blog, take pictures of my growing belly, but even though the positive comments were good to read from friends on social media like Facebook or Instagram, none made me feel happy. I figured if I expose my pregnancy to the world that it would feel more real in my mind. It didn't really work out that way but I am so glad I have documented so many details of this pregnancy. I prayed to hit the 12 week mark. I prayed to hit viability at 24 weeks, I prayed to hit 30 weeks and here I am now praying that they are healthy enough to be born soon since I am on hospital bed rest and baby A is not growing so well. I am currently praying baby A makes it through all of this scary unknown. I hate unknowns. I trust my OB, she reassures me that baby A is doing well and that she would not let anything happen to her. I have to let go and trust in others and in God, I have had to do this throughout the whole pregnancy and I am ready to stop being anxious.

4. All of the attention. Not from friends and family, more so the attention from strangers. People I don't know feel the need to comment on how I must be ready to pop, on how my daughter is going to be jealous, on how I shouldn't be lifting this or doing that, how twins are so hard and double the work and how I will be super busy blah blah blah. All of this coming from friends and family is not annoying, this coming from strangers is annoying. One other thing is also just being the center of attention within my family as well. I love how much they care and how happy they all are but I have always hated being the center of attention in a baby shower, heck I hated that feeling during my own wedding! I'm just a fairly shy person, though most people don't see that about me. I try to work through my shyness and I force myself into social situations where there are people I may not know. I am much less shy than I was a number of years ago.

3. All of the doctor appointments! I see an OB, endocrinologist, nutritionist, get lab work done monthly and sometimes twice a month, maternal fetal medicine (high risk OB) and all of these range from every two weeks to every month. Sometimes I have appointments with one of these every week and end up at an appointment 2-3 times a week for a full month. It is a lot to handle. Plus, I have to take Adrianna along most times. She behaves pretty well but it is a lot of work. Especially if one of these appointments is early in the morning, like at 8am. I am ready to be done seeing a doctor for myself. I know my babies will have a ton of appointments in their first few weeks and months but I can handle that....I think.

2. Feeling BIG! I can't get off the couch without rolling off first, tie my shoes or put on my socks without help or a huge struggle, stand for long periods of time, talk without getting out of breath (yes talking makes me have to catch my breath), walk for long periods of time, eat without feeling sooooo full almost immediately, shave comfortably in the shower (worst thing ever! some parts I can't even reach, yikes!), even trying to wipe after using the bathroom is near impossible (don't worry, I make every attempt to do this successfully and I haven't failed yet lol). It makes you feel helpless. My belly is much bigger than with Adrianna so these things are much more noticeable. I am on bed rest currently because of preterm labor, I am pretty sure it is because my uterus is so big my body is confused and thinks I am full term.

1. The number one thing I will not miss about being pregnant is....I don't really have one. I realize that all of the things I listed are horrible and have made these past 8 months hard and uncomfortable. The truth is, I WILL miss being pregnant. I feel like I have been jipped(sp?) because I will never experience a full term pregnancy, or an 8 lb baby, or the feeling of having a baby placed right on your chest right after that last excruciating push. Ok, many of you who have experienced the 8 lb baby and going past your due date must think I am crazy but I promise you...if you ever experience pregnancy ending sooner than expected you will know just how it feels to miss not having a baby in you when you thought you had just a few more weeks of kicks and jolts within left....a few more weeks just you and your baby and you don't have to share them. It is so much easier to care for a baby within than to care for them when they are born, at least that is my opinion. I may be done with this pregnancy mentally, so over bed rest and ready to meet my twinkies, but a part of me is very sad that it went by so fast and I don't feel like I got the chance to fully savor my last pregnancy ever. This will likely be the last time I will experience growing a life from within. I will, however, continue to plead my case to my husband because I am crazy enough to be contemplating a #4 even though #2&3 aren't even here yet. I LOVE to HATE being pregnant. 

Eventful few days

I just wanted to jot down some of what has happened in the last few days. It has been a crazy turn of events, I could never imagine this would be the way my Monday morning would begin.

Lets start with the week of April 22nd. We were preparing for our last trip to NY so I was busy cleaning a bit, running errands and packing. We were due to leave on that Wednesday. On Tuesday I decided I would go to Target to do a little shopping for my hospital bag...ya know, just in case I went into labor while in NY. It was my biggest fear. I stocked up on essentials and later that night packed everything in my overnight bag along with a baby picture of Adrianna, so I could compare her to her sisters when they are born...like going down memory lane :) The week and weekend came and went without much excitement. On Sunday my nephew had his first birthday party and we were also due to go home the same day. During the party, where I spent most of the day sitting, I had a couple of really painful contractions. They were a little unnerving but I refused to let anyone know I was in pain. I did not want to go to the hospital in NY, besides I had an appointment with my MFM doctor the next day. I made through the car ride home without anymore contractions, well I had some but they were about 15-20 minutes apart and didn't hurt at all...more like Braxton Hicks. That night we arrived home late and after unpacking the car we promptly collapsed on our nice comfy bed. We did take my mom with us, considering I was told that I should start taking it easy and I needed help with Adrianna. At around 1AM I began to cough, choking on my own stomach acid (always wonderful) and then it happened...I threw up all over my bathroom! I aimed for the bath tub, don't ask. After cleaning I fell asleep and woke up around 6AM with stomach pain. It was more muscle pain than anything, understandable since I blew chunks the night before. I ate breakfast, did a little craft shopping and headed to my MFM appointment.

I had my scan, nothing out of the ordinary. It took about 2 hours which always happens when I have scans. It is hard to get two babies to cooperate in an ultrasound! After my scan I always have an internal cervical scan to check the length of my cervix. When I saw the numbers on the screen, I knew it was not good news. The doctor comes in and talks a little about how baby A is still measuring a little smaller than her sister and how she has lower fluid levels as well. The doctor mentioned that my cervix was measuring smaller than the previous week and asked if I had been having contractions. I said yes. She decided it would be best to send me to labor and delivery so I could be monitored for a few hours just in case. Well, thank goodness she decided to do that! When I arrived at L&D, I was put on monitors, given water and told to just hang tight. After a few minutes the doctor came in to check my cervix for any change since my cervical length was short. I was one fingertip dilated, barely 1 cm. About a half an hour went by and I was feeling contractions. They were about 10-15 minutes apart and were a little painful. The nurse would come in and would ask whether or not I was having a contraction, kind of like testing me, and I was right every time. They decided to check me again and I was 1-2 cm dilated! My OB was called and told that I was dilating. She said she would come in and check me in about an hour. In the mean time I was given an IV and was drinking more water as well. Still contracting, this time more like every 7-10 minutes. By the time my OB arrived and checked me I was 3 cm dilated! This was way more progress than they were comfortable with! I am only 31 weeks and their NICU doesn't care for babies younger than 32 weeks. It was then that the decision was made to take me by ambulance to Tufts Medical Center in Boston in case I delivered the babies that night.

The ambulance ride was quite interesting. It was like feeling helpless and defenseless. I appreciate all the work EMT and paramedics do, it is a scary job! There was a new guy on the ambulance training and he was being quizzed while we were on our way to Boston. He was asked what the first major concern would be if I had to deliver my twins in the ambulance. That poor 22 year old's face went pale white, it was kind of funny (only because I most certainly was not in danger of delivering on the ambulance). Apparently the correct answer would be that they would need to call for two more ambulances because they don't have the capacity to care for 3 humans out of one ambulance. Good to know. Well we arrived at Tufts and I was taken to a dark and scary L&D room where I was quickly settled and given 2 mL drip of magnesium sulfate (a strong muscle relaxer) to try and stop contractions. It was not working! I was contracting every 5 minutes and was at this point 5-6 cm dilates and 50% effaced with +1 presentation (head of baby A was right at my cervix)! Scary!!! My drip was upped to 2.5 (I could barely see straight) and prep was being done to deliver me. I was going to have these babies that night at the rate I was going. After an hour I actually began to contract less. It became less and less until finally I only felt slight tightening, sort of like the BH I was having that did not really call for concern. My labor was successfully stopped overnight, at 5-6 cm dilated. Amazing. This is where I am now...this far dilated, +3 station (Baby A's head is way back up into the uterus) and still about 50% effaced (thinned out). I was taken off of the magnesium drip last night at around 5pm. It really wont have much of an affect on stopping labor progression any more at this point and since it makes you feel horrible (heart palpitations, nasal drip, hot flashes, constipation  possible fluid in lungs, inability to eat or walk well, nausea) it makes no sense to continue being on the medicine. If I go into labor before 32 weeks again they will start it again only because apparently it has a positive effect on baby brain development when faced with pre term delivery. I was also given 2 steroid shots to help mature the lungs of the babies, which I am now past the 24 hour window of its fullest effect. This means that I have officially done all I can do to give my babies the best chance of a healthy start to life. I have met some wonderful nurses in my short stay here and have even heard two babies being born. Made me cry of course. I was moved to an ante-partum room where I am able to shower, move around freely and watch TV. I can't leave the L&D floor or walk around the halls because of how far dilated I am. I also will likely not be sent home if I don't have contractions because the chances of me lasting more than a week at the point I am in is very extremely rare. I am upset that my OB cannot deliver me. I am upset I can't deliver at Winchester Hospital. I am upset that the nurses and doctors I feel most comfortable with, the main reason we wanted to have another baby while stationed here at Hanscom, will in fact not be caring for me in these last few weeks of my pregnancy. This is just another plan from God. A test to see how resilient we are maybe? If we can handle pre-term twins in a setting that is unfamiliar and a little scary we can handle packing, moving to VA, potty training Adrianna, and settling into our new home with the twins in tow with no issues. Please, let this be the last test of our resilience, I don't know how much more we can handle and I don't want to find out. But maybe, hopefully a few weeks out but looks like sometime next week, I will be posting a welcome to the world entry for Victoria and Isabella! Scary, am I ready to be a mother again?

Look how far I've come

When I think back to the losses we experienced last year, I still can't believe I have made it through all of that with my sanity almost intact. Sure my anxiety is through the roof some days, but we all have bad days. What is even more amazing is that I am 30 weeks into this pregnancy with the twins. I couldn't be more thankful for this gift God has given me and my little family. I know it has been quite a while since I have blogged, but I haven't had much happen that is blog worthy really. Which is a good thing, this pregnancy has been fairly uneventful with a few tiny hiccups here and there.

At around 23 weeks or so, I started having Braxton Hicks contractions (non painful false contractions). With each one I had, my heart felt like it would beat very fast. I called the OB, thinking she would just tell me to drink extra water or something but she sent me to get a STAT EKG at the emergency room! Talk about scary! It ended up being nothing and I had no contractions that were being read on the monitor so I was sent home.

26 weeks rolled around and I was still having BH pretty frequently, except this time they came with a pain in the pit of my stomach. It was strange so I called the OB again and was sent to L&D. The contractions were not even registering on the monitor which was a good thing. It ended up I had a horrible UTI, who knew that pain felt like painful contractions ? So after 2 antibiotics, a yeast infection due to said antibiotics (being a girl is rough, and disgusting) and endless amounts of water I finally am UTI free. I still get BH pretty frequently and some are painful! A different kind of painful though, more like tightening pain and cramping which is normal at this stage of pregnancy with twins. Apparently my uterus is irritable. Sounds great.

My 28 week checkup, just like every other check up, starts with BP and urine sample. Then my OB checks the heart rates of the babies and measures my uterus....which at 28 weeks measured in at a whopping 40 weeks. So I am measuring as if I were full term. At 28 weeks. WTF am I going to measure at when I am 33 or 34 weeks, 48 weeks? Is that even possible? I don't want to know. I am 4'11 and have gained like 26 lbs so far. I have no shame in my weight anymore, I am weighing in at 187.5 lbs. I'm sure I will see close to 200 before I give birth. I can't even imagine. In between UTI, peeing every time I sneeze, peeing 20,000 times a day and the dreaded H word most women experience while pregnant (yes hemorrhoids  I don't even give a shit that you know that about me...how's that for no filter) revealing that I am 187 lbs doesn't even phase me. Pregnancy is beautiful, and disgusting. I can write more on that after I give birth...did I mention baby B is breech? Thaaats right, I get to be cut open like a friggen science project and have two babies yanked out of my stomach while trying not to pull out one of my organs along with it.

30 weeks today, eviction date is June 19th. It can't come fast enough! Today baby A had low fluid and was measuring a little smaller than her sister, but they are both still healthy. Baby A is 2 lbs 5 oz and baby B is 2 lbs 11 oz. They are busy kicking my bladder, hiding under my ribs and I am pretty sure baby B is trying to poke her feet out of my vagina she kicks my nether regions so hard. If in a year I say I miss being pregnant and want to have another one, remind me how much I love wine and  punch me in the stomach so I remember the pain I am in right now with these babies constantly beating up my insides. Please and thank you.

9 weeks

Very large at 29 weeks 5 days

22 weeks

I can't believe I am 22 weeks pregnant today! We found out a few weeks ago we are expecting two more girls, it's about to be a girlie Dolce household! My husband is a lucky man ;) Lots of people I know are so curious to see how big I have gotten or how big I am getting so here it is:

9 weeks

13 weeks

20 weeks

The answer is clear, I am getting pretty big and still have 3 months to get even bigger! This is fun to see, not so fun to experience. I have had the pleasure of dealing with painful heartburn and my fingertips going numb due to nerve pressure. The twinkies are also both head down, which means pressure in my pelvis and excrutiating pubic bone pain! I'm talking I can't even lift my leg to put pants on pain! And the peeing, oh the peeing. I hate sneezing....use your imagination with that one kids. Pregnancy is not glamorous and twin pregnancy is even less so. I keep all things in perspective though. I have never been happier. I get a huge smile on my face when I get to see the twinkies in an ultrasound. They are so amazing and so darn cute already! Adrianna has started to tell everyone she is going to be a big sister and that momma has two babies in her belly. It is adorable. She cuddles with my belly, she hugs and kisses my belly, and she has felt the babies move already through my belly. She loves this and I am so happy I get to share this experience with her.

I am in a good place mentally. I try not to worry about what I cannot control and I take good care of myself. I know the babies will be fine. We have slowly started to buy a few things for them too, I bought a bouncy seat and boppy and have been gifted cute outfits. All of this has made me very excited. I day dream constantly about what they will look like, when they will be born, what it will be like once they are here. Did I mention we named them as well? Baby A is Victoria Rose and baby B is Isabella Sophia. I have always hated using short names or nick names, but I think I will be allowing myself and others to call them "Vicky" and "Bella." I love their names and can't wait to get monogrammed things with their names on it! My latest maternal fetal medicine ultrasound (high risk OB, perinatologist, are the only ones allowed to do an ultrasound on me) showed that the girls had no abnormalities and were growing great. Baby A is 13 oz and baby B is 12 oz. It did show that my cervix was opening slightly, it went from 5cm to 3.2cm, which is still in the normal range. I need to be seen March 11th again which is in 2 weeks versus being seen every 4 weeks. They want to be sure I don't continue to open, which my Braxton Hicks contractions could be causing. Never a dull moment! So I have been making it a point to put my feet up as much as possible and to rest when I feel I need it. I do not need to go into early labor or deal with the stress of bed rest, which ironically is suppose to be less stressful....yea maybe if you don't already have a child that needs your attention! All in all, I'd say I have been doing well so far. Adrianna is as cute as ever and learning new things every day and my wonderful hubby doesn't have a business trip planned for quite a while, that's always nice! Hopefully my next blog will be about our house hunting success and I will be sharing pictures of our new home in DC (or Virginia or Maryland). Here are some stats to leave you with:

How far along? 22 weeks. Measuring at 28 weeks, however. Huge!

Maternity clothes? LOL! Most likely for a few months after delivery as well

Stretch Marks? Check!

Sleep? I nap like a champ and snore my life away at night. Besides being woken up by my inscesant need to be and the acid burning through my esophogus, I'd say I sleep pretty well for a pregnant woman.

Movement? They are both head down and press their legs against my ribs. I feel them more and more every day!

Genders? Twin GIRLS!

Weight Gain: Check! LOL I have no shame in admitting that I have gained a good 24 lbs so far. I just wont tell you what number exactly the scale says, that scares me.

What I miss? Not feeling out of breath just from getting up off the couch 

Food cravings? Check. 

Food aversions? I love it all

Labor signs? Braxton Hicks. Nothing alarming

Belly button in or out? In. Stretched as wide as I have ever seen it

What I’m looking forward to? I take it one day at a time. Savor every moment

Milestones? They both weigh almost 1 pound each!

Things I wish people knew: I am not yet in my 3rd trimester. I can't tell which baby is which when they move, they are both so close together. I don't know how to answer the "when are you due" question. I don't have morning sickness. Nothing is worse with this pregnancy than with a singleton pregnancy other than I am more tired and am gaining weight faster this time around.

Preschool

I have always thought that as soon as my child was old enough, she would go to preschool no questions asked. Until I got too close to that point. I am not even sure where my apprehension stems from. could it possibly have to do with the fact that this would mean she really REALLY wouldn't be my little baby anymore? Could it be the recent tragic events of Sandy Hook elementary and other similarly scary situations happening in schools throughout the US(of course the world as well, but we don't plan on leaving the country anytime soon). Whatever it is, it is there. I am terrified.

A few months ago, when I took Adrianna to her two year checkup, her pediatrician was going through the typical questions...does she climb up stairs one foot at a time and can she do a couple without holding onto anything? Does she speak in two or three word sentences? Does she recognize some colors? Does she know more than 40 words? The pediatrician didn't need me to answer many of these because Adrianna was demonstrating her abilities the whole time. I already knew she was a bright child, and that her vocabulary was extensive for her age. After her initial checkup, the doctor told me that she is more than ready for preschool and gave me her immunization chart in case I wanted to enroll her sometime within the next few months. OH.MY.GOD. Preschool???!!!! I had thought about it and had discussed it with Joe but for someone else to point out the reality that my baby girl was almost ready for preschool freaked me out! Ever since then I have been thinking about what it would be like and I almost end up weeping in a corner with her cuddled in my arms....and by almost I mean this has actually happened more than once. I can't imagine not being there to oversee her growth and to protect her from kids that can be mean. I can't imagine not being the one to teach her. I know homeschooling isn't right for my family, but I have considered it. So here I am, facing the potential of preschool. By September, my baby will be in preschool. I can enroll her earlier but I want to wait until she is 3. I need to buy myself more time to prepare myself. If I were to take her tomorrow, she would have no problem going into the class and could care less if I left her there by herself. She is soooo independent that it kills me. Just cry for mama for once!!! Is that too much to ask :( She knows her ABCs, counts to 20, can pretend to read a book based on interpretation of the pictures in the book, she can do puzzles and recognizes all shapes even trapezoids and diamonds, she pretend plays, and she is so ready to begin. I don't know where the time goes but it is going way too fast.

It makes me so anxious that I have to put her safety in someone else's hands. I have to drop her off in the mornings and trust that she will be there when I pick her up, safe and sound. Sure, parents have been doing this for years and I am sure with similar worries but things like kidnappings and school shootings are very real and make this transition all too worrisome for me. I know I will let go and just send her off to school one day. I have to let her grow into a person away from her mommy and daddy. I can't hold on forever. I just can't help but think that this will just be one of many times I will have to let her go, it is going to snowball from preschool to high school to college to having to watch her walk down the isle one day and give herself to her future husband. I'm telling you, I'm not crazy people. I know how this works. It starts with preschool then BAM! She moves out on her own. And I can't stop it. All I can do is savor each and every single second of the time I have with her, just us. No siblings (yet!) no sharing with anyone else. Just her and me, and Toy Story...which I will watch as many times as she wants me to without complaining, if it means getting to hold her close for one more day. Just her and me.

Pregnant with a 2 1/2 year old

Adrianna is officially, in 2 days, 2 1/2 years old. In 6 months she will be three and we will be a family of 5! It is so funny to think that in just 6 short months our little family will undergo so many changes. I love it =)

Adrianna updates:
She is one spunky toddler! She loves so many things; movies, coloring/drawing, her blanket and her stuffed kitty, and her mommy and daddy. We love her so much as well! She has been talking so much lately. her speech is actually amazing. She uses full sentences even better now, she pretend plays which is adorable, and she wont stop saying 'mama' all.day. long! She will go into her play room and make "food" for her kitty and for her baby. I overhear her saying "open up, eat it all! It good?" She copies us so much! The other night I was putting her to bed and I told her to tuck me in instead because mama was tired. She tucked me in and then said "look at me! no get out of bed, close your eyes, go night night. Look at my eyes, do you understand?" It was hilarious! I tell her that often before kissing her goodnight because she has the tendency to get out of bed and play in her room or walk to our bedroom. There are so many other things she does, she is growing up faster than ever.

We talk to her about being a big sister all the time. I ask her how many babies mommy has in her belly and she says two very proudly! She points to my belly, gives it a kiss, points to my boobs and says mommy has babies in there then points to daddy's belly and says he has babies too. Pretty funny, right? Not when she points to my boobs in public and says my babies are in there! I think she mistakes the word boobie for baby (when she asks what my boobs are I tell her they are mommy's boobies, trying to use as close to accurate anatomy names as possible). She hugs my belly all the time and becomes more and more independent every day. Now if only she would potty train! We are working on that. As far as her stats go, we haven't been to the dr since her 2 year checkup, but I know she has grown in height and weight since then. She fits into 2t sized shirts, 18 month and sometimes 24 month pants, and wears size 7 shoes. My little stinker is finally gaining weight to make it to 24 month pants! I don't know how since she still doesn't eat as much as I would like. She loves breakfast, instant oatmeal made with milk is a favorite of hers as well as bagels (which she insists cannot be cut at all). She snacks the rest of the time, sometimes I can convince her to eat lunch but I almost always lose that battle. Apple sauce pouches and buddy fruit pouches are my saving grace to get any sort of nutrition in her as far as fruit goes. I have lost the veggie battle for now. She loves milk!! we had to cut her milk intake to when she wakes up, at nap time and before bed. She could easily drink 6 cups a day if we let her! She sneaks in the kitchen and grabs cookies, goldfish, gummies and occasionally chocolate off of my candy dish on the dining room table. She has a serious sweet tooth...explains why she is the sweetest 2 year old I know =) We can't get enough of her. She does sleep in a toddler bed, we transitioned her when she turned 2. When we move to our next duty station we will get her a bigger bed along with her own bedroom furniture which happens to be MY old bedroom furniture growing up. It is so precious to know my daughter will use MY dressers from when I was growing up. They are a beautiful light colored wood with painted pink roses as accents. We will still get her a new bed, preferably a full sized bed. This will hopefully help us with the dent the twins will make in our budget. Do you know how much you have to get two of when getting ready for twins? Neither do I, so when I find out I'll let you know.

My Twin Pregnancy:

How far along? 15 week exactly. I feel more like 24 weeks and look like I am pushing into my thrid trimester. It's all for the babies!

Maternity clothes? Tops and jeans. My boobs still fit into my bra thankfully. I had to buy a maternity coat which I did not have to do with Adrianna

Weight Gain? Yeah. I’m supposed to gain anywhere from 40-56lbs. Most of it during the first two trimesters. I am currently at a whopping 16 lb gain...Holy crap. I weigh what I weighed when I was induced with Adrianna. Scary

Stretch Marks? Adrianna left a few and being that this is actually my 5th pregnancy (3 miscarriages) I have plenty of these nasty tiger stripes

Sleep? I can nap like nobody's business but when it comes to overnight sleep, that has been interrupted by 2-3 bathroom trips and weird vivid dreams. My belly is also getting to the point where it is hard to find a comfortable position. reflux also keeps me up. 

Movement? Oh I feel them. They are pretty active in there. I still feel baby B more than baby A

Genders? We find out on February 1st!

What I miss? My motivation. 

Food cravings? I mainly just want to eat but nothing sounds good ever to me. 

Food aversions? The biggest has to be chicken nuggets, tenders and wings. Second to that is anything with ground beef. The smell is just awful

Labor signs? No. Hoping it stays that way for a long time.

Belly button in or out? In. Never popped with Adrianna. It just became a large cave. So this time…

What I’m looking forward to? Our ultrasound on feb 1st, hitting the 24 week milestone when if by chance I go into labor the viability rate is now decent for the babies. I hope to god I don't have to endure this. I still pray every day

Milestones? Hitting the second trimester. Hearing the heartbeats by doppler at my 13 week OB appointment 

Things I wish people knew: Twins run in my husband's side of the family, but that doesn't matter when it comes to conceiving twins spontaneously. It follows the woman's genealogy. Twins do not run in my family at all....not even in distant family that we know of. This was a complete and utter surprise...a very welcomed surprise. Also, I will always feel a little apprehensive when I talk about the babies. In the back of my mind I am always thinking that something might happen if I talk about them too much or show too much excitement over being pregnant with twins.

I am not complaining, but if I did...

I need to release all of this. I told myself I would not complain this pregnancy because I have wanted it for such a long time. I appreciate every single moment so far and I am loving it! Yet, I have the annoying little symptoms and daily issues that just plain annoy me! Maybe some of you can relate, if you are or have been pregnant. Maybe you think I am being unappreciative and should just shut up and be glad I am pregnant. Maybe I don't care what anyone thinks because here goes:

-Eating. I love to eat. I hate to make myself something to eat or find something to eat nearly every hour. If I spend an hour or more without munching on something my blood sugar does a nose dive and I feel like crap. If this has ever happened to you, you know just how crappy it makes you feel.

-Drinking water. From week 8 to now and I am sure for the rest of the pregnancy I have been extremely thirsty. I drink water constantly. I pee constantly. I am so tired of feeling like my uterus is going to fall right out of me when I walk when I haven't used the bathroom for half an hour. I pee 2 times a night and can't fall back to sleep after both times. WTF? Once at 11pm and once at around 3am....same time every single night since week 10. I am 14 weeks now and I am thinking I will get no relief because I am pregnant with twins and my uterus is the size of a watermelon. Or so it feels.

-Sleep. Why is it that pregnancy makes me feel like I took a sleeping pill and only slept for an hour. It sucks to go about my day groggy and longing for a nap. Do you know how hard it is to talk myself into leaving the house or even showering. It is annoying. Yea yea I am growing 2 babies, but oh my god I just want a little bit of energy at some point during the day. I don't remember feeling this bad with Adrianna...I also didn't have a toddler to chase after at the time.

-Dry skin. Oh do I hate dry skin. During pregnancy, my skin gets super dry and itchy. It happened with Adrianna and is happening again now. Nothing I use helps soothe it. Someone please recommend something because I am out of ideas!

-Pregnancy glow. I don't have it. I can't fake it.

-Hair. My hair is greasy and so is my face. I can't seem to keep up with the demand to wash it enough to keep it looking shiny and pretty. Speaking of hair, a wonderful side effect of pregnancy is reduction of loss of hair. Hormones also make "other" hair grow faster. My legs, my eyebrows, even a surprise chin hair or two. WHY?? It is horrible! All I am saying is thank goodness it is winter, feel free to throw up because I haven't shaved my legs in like 5 weeks. and I don't care...I'm on pelvic rest anyway so no extra curricular activities....if you know what I mean. Joy.

My head always hurts, my back always hurts, I am always out of breath. My clothes are too tight and I feel like a whale.

Just some annoying things from today.
1. Why would you make an OB office feel like hell. Heat wise. I mean it was 1000 degrees in there today. There are pregnant women in there for goodness sake!
2. There should be water dispensers at all OB offices. No exceptions. Period.
3. If I don't look at the scale, don't tell me how much I weigh. Ugh...
4. Patients shouldn't complain about waiting too long to be seen when they aren't pregnant yet decide to choose an OBGYN instead of a regular GYN. (this woman was not of child bearing age anymore). Wait your freaking turn. I have shit to talk about with the Dr. And I have been here waiting longer than you. Don't roll your eyes at my 2 year old either because if Joe wasn't there to calm me down I would have had a few choice words for her....dehydrated and sweating and tired is not a recipe for a happy me.
5. If you are stopped at a light and there is a space for those who would like to bear right to be able to do so, give room. You have a car length in front of you and can clearly see my blinker. Don't be an asshole.

I couldn't be more thrilled that I am pregnant. So many things out weigh the bad and the annoying. Sometimes you have to stop pretending that everything is wonderful and you feel amazing while pregnant. Talk about the over active sweat glands, the greasy hair, the constipation (oh it happens. You know it does admit it!). Maybe some women love being pregnant. Maybe some women work extra hard to look immaculate while pregnant so people can say 'wow, pregnancy really agrees with you, you look better than ever!' That's not me. Don't tell me that from behind you can't even tell that I am pregnant or that I am all belly. You are full of shit. Don't ask me how I will have room to carry these babies because I don't know the freakin' answer. Don't feel bad if you have said any of this to me already...I promise I still love you :) Today was just a day to get all of this off of my chest.
Complaining doesn't mean you lose sight of the important job you are doing, growing a little miracle. It just means sometimes...just sometimes you can get it all off your chest.

Best part of my day? I got to hear both of my babies heart beats. Healthy heart beats. I am so glad that all is going well. Today, shit just got real. This is really happening. Twins.